


hearts and thoughts fade away (I swear I recognize your breath)

by Melime



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst, Asexuality, Curses, First Kiss, Fluff, Footnotes, Humor, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, Post-Canon, Queer Themes, Temporary Amnesia, True Love's Kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2020-07-20 14:11:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 70,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19993537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime
Summary: Due to a clerical error, Crowley is cursed by Hell, losing his memories of the past six thousand years. Now, Aziraphale has to regain his trust and find a way to cure him, but the only way to do this is by confronting his own prejudices regarding demons' capacity to love.





	1. The bureaucracy of Hell

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Português brasileiro available: [corações e pensamentos desaparecem (juro que reconheço sua respiração)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19993558) by [Melime GreenLeaf (Melime)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime%20GreenLeaf)



> The right way to start in a new fandom is with 50K words, right? I wrote this for camp nanowrimo, and will be posting as I finish revising/formatting (footnotes, why??). This is 95% book canon, but some tv canon did bleed through in a couple details. The title is from Pearl Jam's Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town Bar.
> 
> M rating for potentially upsetting content such as trying (but not actually going through) to cross one's own sexual boundaries (no sex or fade to black in this story though), general consent issues regarding kisses and amnesia, and earnest but awkward conversations about sexual boundaries. Although described rather than stated, in this both Aziraphale and Crowley are asexual, but Aziraphale is between sex positive and sex neutral, and Crowley is between sex neutral and sex repulsed. Also, Crowley is briefly described as Crawly during the start of his amnesia.

Hell, despite what common sense would dictate, was incredibly efficient. Or as efficient as an administrative bureaucracy could be, as there are some limitations to the method. Hell would know, it invented bureaucracy, after all1.

So perhaps it would better to say that Hell was hellishly efficient, which had the advantage of both being true and circumventing any lack of efficiency bureaucracy carried in and of itself, since that lack of efficiency was frustrating to a torturous degree, and therefore hellish as well.

Being a hellishly efficient bureaucracy, Hell never made mistakes. Which meant to say, if an error occurred, it wasn't a mistake, because the process was always right, so there was no error in the first place2.

All of that resulted in a situation known in bureaucratic processes as ‘I don't know what this is or where it comes from, but all the stamps are in order so I have to give it my stamp and don’t need to give a shit.’ It was an incredibly efficient method, and it never resulted in any mistakes3.

The problem with all of that was that bureaucracy was prone to causing what others, of neither angelic nor demonic inclinations, would call mistakes. And when that happened, things tended to escalate rather quickly. If it was so with things of lesser importance, one can imagine how bad this could get when dealing with ethereal and occult forces.

For example, someone who was under the protection of a very powerful creature might end up punished due to a clerical error.

That someone might be one of the entities somewhat responsible for preventing the Apocalypse.

That someone might even be _Crowley_.

And that wasn't even the worst part. The worst part was, of course, the punishment itself.

How that happened was perhaps as ineffable as the plan that may or may not have included teasing an Apocalypse only to send everyone home for tea4.

However, it was possible to reconstruct at least a few of the steps that lead to Crowley being punished despite being protected by a shift in reality.

It began like this: on Sunday the 21st of October 4004 B.C., at precisely 9:13 A.M.5 the Earth was created. It was scheduled to be destroyed some six thousand years later.

But we can probably skip those six thousand intervening years. Suffice to say, the programmed Apocalypse was thwarted by an angel and a demon that fell in love with humanity and with each other, possibly in that order6. Although it should be pointed out that both were aware of their own feelings, and neither was aware of the other's feelings7.

Well, actually the Apocalypse was thwarted by a little boy named Adam, but said angel and said demon helped by being mostly out of the way, which had to count for something8.

And said boy, now, forever and since the beginning of times known as Adam Young, previously known as the Antichrist or rather the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan and Lord of Darkness, made a point of fixing the world to its pre start of the end of days status.

One of said fixes was making sure that no one was punished for their parts in the Apocalypse. Especially, that Aziraphale wouldn't be punished by Heaven and Crowley wouldn't be punished by Hell9.

Both sides were fine10 with that.

To understand why, one should note that not doing something is considerably easier than actually doing something. So it was the policy of both Heaven and Hell that, when they could get away with ignoring anything they didn't want to be bothered with, then for all the effects that thing wouldn't exist.

That was how Aziraphale survived for so long to begin with, since he had that tendency not to follow the rules since Eden. Or yet, he always followed a very specific set of rules of his own devise, and subject only to his own interpretation. It was rather convenient.

Crowley also took advantage of that, although he had more of a chance to be randomly tortured if he didn't keep everyone happy. Or at least confused enough not to know they weren't happy.

At any rate, the lack of a competent oversight worked for both them and their respective sides. In as much as they had sides, which meant to say, the sides they nominally had before the Apocalypse and promptly abandoned to fight11 side by side.

So, after the world didn't end, their lives were essentially the same, except with fewer reports12.

Or at least that was the case until a few months after the Apocalypse.

The day that Crowley died.

In a fashion13.

But to get to this point, one must understand the bureaucracy of Hell.

Imagine an office. No, worse than that. Imagine the kind of office that would make Amazon Warehouses14 seem like a pleasant place to work at. Now imagine a desk, so cluttered that the demon behind hadn't been seen since 3004 B.C.15, and most of Hell even forgot they existed. Which was a good thing, you can't torture who you don’t know existed.

You won't be asked to imagine the demon, because no one remembered enough about them to make a proper description. They had a name. Probably. It was hard to be sure after so long all alone. But they had a job, that they were sure of. And that job was the most important thing in their life.

They were tasked with stamping every request that came through with a standard clearance stamp code AY689791762316, which meant it could be sent to the next department.

On that particular day17, they stamped the request to have "demon Crawly, serpent, first tempter" permanently destroyed for the offense of "preventing the death of human child Anthony, aged 3, in the 17th of January 254 A.D., causing said child to grow into sainthood18". The request was somewhat backlogged, but that wasn't their concern, so they just passed it along.

It is important to notice here that whatever Adam Young, formerly the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan and Lord of Darkness, did to protect Aziraphale and Crowley, meaning changing reality so that they would be left alone, missed this request. Although it's impossible to know for sure why, one possible reason was that reality itself had forgotten about that piece of paper, and so couldn't be made to disappear it.

Which was how, months later, a lesser demon, who had never before visited Earth, was given orders to break a magic seal and deliver Crowley to his punishment.

\---

Crowley was walking that morning, on his way to meet Aziraphale. Now, this was unusual for two reasons, the first of which was that he preferred to drive, the second of which was that he was in a good mood despite walking alone when he could be driving. That had nothing to do with the fact that he was meeting Aziraphale, and everything to do with the fact that there was no reason why he couldn’t be driving19.

It was a good thing that he was walking, because had he been driving, then things wouldn’t end well for the Bentley, and that would be Crowley’s biggest regret.

As it was, he was only three blocks away from Aziraphale’s bookshop when a rat began rising from the ground.

“Oh shit,” he said, looking around for a place to hide. Finding none, he adjusted his shades and made his worst evil face. He hoped Hell had forgotten all about him, but maybe he was just lucky enough for Hell to have forgotten what he did.

The rat finished climbing from the ground, looked around, and then materialized what could perhaps pass as a human person to someone who was standing far enough way and not wearing their glasses20.

“Hail Satan,” he tried, more like a question than anything else.

“Hail Satan,” she said, then continued, not raising her eyes from her clipboard, “Demon Crawly, serpent, first tempter?”

There wouldn’t be much of a point in lying.

“I guess that’s me. Any good news21?” He tried for smooth, but he never got the hang of it.

“Your punishment has been approved. If you have any questions or complaints, shut your mouth or save them for after the punishment has been completed.”

He didn’t have a chance to say anything before she tore a piece of paper from her clipboard, breaking the seal and revealing the sigil that she then threw at Crowley.

Just like that, Anthony J Crowley was gone, for all intents and purposes dead, and his last thought was that he wished he had seen his angel one last time.

\---

Now, perhaps you are thinking: what just happened? If you paid attention, the order to punish Crowley was originally that he would be destroyed, permanently. The type of punishment that required Holy Water and that even Hell frowned up, and the punishment that was carried out didn’t involve Holy Water. In fact, it was just some ~~good~~ evil old Hellish curse. However, the key element here is that Hell, as was already stated, is a bureaucracy.

And so, through the months following the stamp that was previously mentioned, the request went through the proper channels of Hell, which included passing through most places at least twice, and through one infamous place six hundred and sixty five times22. During that time, through a series of clerical errors, the original request of destruction turned in: discorporation, turning into maggots, having snake eyes transferred to hands, have snake feet transferred to head, feathers plucked, and finally landing on corruption.

Now, corruption is not exactly what it might sound like, for one very simple reason. Hell stole the concept from Heaven23. It certainly wasn't the most apt name.

If Crowley had been consulted, he might have suggested they call it ‘factory reset’. Of course, since this was the first time said punishment was being carried out, and since it was being carried out against Crowley, he wasn't consulted. It was probably for the best, as if he had been told of his punishment, he wouldn't think of a clever name for it, and instead would immediately run away.

Also, it should be noted that, as a demon with an imagination, he would be extremely difficult to find, as the last place any demon would look for another demon was shrunk to the size of a lie and hiding on an angel's curls24.

So, any punishment of Crowley would be best dealt with if he didn’t know what to expect. Any clue of a punishment and he would likely find a way to escape it.

\---

Where Anthony J Crowley once were, now rested Crawly, looking around like he was seeing the world for the first time25.

“Punishment dealt. Don’t forget to rate my services, I need it for my quarterly millennial evaluation,” she said, and then crawled back to hell.

All of that left Crawly extremely confused. Last thing he remembered, he was told to go to Eden and cause some trouble, but this didn’t seem like Eden at all. Eden was supposed to be a beautiful garden, and he was looking forward to that, as much as a demon could look forward to anything. It was a dirty secret of him that he found plants rather fascinating.

Still, he had been told that there was a desert around the Garden, so maybe that was where he was. He had assumed the desert would be sand, and probably not as populated, but that was above his paygrade26. He hadn’t asked many questions about his assignment, since asking questions was what got him into trouble in the first place.

Not knowing what else to do, Crawly decided to slither forward and hope for the best. Whatever happened, it couldn’t be worse than Hell, by definition.

The first thing he noticed was that people seemed scared of him27, even though he wasn’t particularly scary. At least he wasn’t trying to be, he wasn’t even colorful like most venomous snakes, but entirely black. He also wasn’t a huge snake28, although he was long enough to circle a human a few times.

Still, as much as he wasn’t trying to be scary, it wasn’t necessarily a problem for a demon to be scary, so he did nothing whatsoever to change his appearance. Maybe beng scary could count as causing some trouble, although it seemed far too simplistic for him.

The secret that Crawly already knew, but wouldn’t dare to voice even to himself, was that he wasn’t like other demons, and didn’t enjoy what they did. So maybe it would be ‘normal’ for a demon to enjoy scaring people, but to him it seemed in bad taste. It wasn’t that he felt bad about it, but he didn’t enjoy it either.

He really wasn’t expecting there to be so many people already. From what he was told there were just the two humans that would start their species, but there seemed to be a lot of them now, and out of the Garden even. He would ask, but he preferred to limit his interactions with Hell, now that he was finally given an assignment that took him out of there. And besides, he was a little afraid that he had taken too long to get there, and the humans had simply reproduced too fast29.

The entire situation seemed strange, and not what he was expecting, but that was no good reason to stop and ask for directions. Hell didn’t look kindly to that sort of thing, they expected you to know what to do and do it without question30.

So he kept slithering, no questions asked, hoping that at some point he would arrive where he was supposed to be. Maybe he should give himself a body shaped like the humans? That fashion was starting to trend in Hell, but still wasn’t entirely widespread, and he had never done it before, personally31.

The demon who talked to him on Earth just then, he didn’t know her personally, but it was his freshest memory, in a way that his memories from Hell just before didn’t seem to be, had a human shaped body, but she didn’t _look_ human. Even to his eyes she seemed off, so he wasn’t sure he would be able to make a passable body for himself, not without knowing more about humans first.

This could be his objective for a later time, he needed something more immediate now, the kind of thing he could report on the next time he was contacted.

Something drove him to keep moving forward, as if he had a direction, but he blamed that on snake senses. Maybe they could tell where the closest garden was32, he didn’t know much about the biology of snakes, despite in a way being one33.

He just hoped he could find the right humans to tempt soon.

\---

Half an hour before, Aziraphale was in his shop. This was in no way unusual or remarkable. He was waiting for Crowley, who was supposed to meet him for lunch, something that had become increasingly more frequent since the world didn’t end. Aziraphale hoped that by next year he would be able to convince Crowley to have three meals a day with him34.

There was a freedom now, for them to enjoy the company of each other, that perhaps wasn’t there before. Or perhaps it had always been there, but they simply hadn’t tested the boundaries enough to know it had been possible.

Aziraphale had began to suspect long ago that neither Heaven nor Hell cared all that much about what either of them did with their free time, as long as things kept happening and reports kept coming, and they had both pushed their luck on that regard more than once.

Still, there had always been a fear that at some point they would cross some invisible line and it would finally be too much. If that happened, he had a feeling this wouldn’t result in a Fall. Heaven could be as creative with punishment as Hell35, the only difference was that it would do so while still claiming to be righteous and never unnecessarily cruel36.

But after the world didn’t end, he figured there was nothing that the two of them could do that was worse than going against the Great Plan, and that didn’t result in any punishment, so they were probably safe. Especially because, as far as Aziraphale was concerned, things could only go so far.

Oh, he loved Crowley, he didn’t have a problem admitting that to himself. And not in the way that he was supposed to love all of the Creator’s… creations37. For starters because he wasn’t all that certain that he even _could_ love everyone, despite his status as a being of love. There were some real bastards all around38.

But he loved Crowley _specifically_ , and that was saying something, because angels aren’t supposed to be able to love anyone specifically. It went against the ideal of loving everyone equally. Even if Aziraphale suspected that most angels loved everyone in theory, but not so much in practice.

So there was enough love on his part for their relationship to change into something different. Whatever shape that might take.

And he wanted other things from their relationship. Sometimes, when they were so drunk that Aziraphale almost started reconsidering his instance on sleep, he wished he could ask Crowley to curl up next to him, and maybe Aziraphale would want to sleep like this, or maybe he could read a book one handed while petting Crowley’s hair with his other hand.

Of course, Aziraphale wasn’t innocent. One can’t live in Soho for so long without learning quite a bit about all the ways two men-shaped beings could show the more physical aspects of their affection for one another. He even had some curiosities on that regard, but not necessary desires.

He wanted contact with Crowley, to show his love in a physical way, but didn’t particularly want that contact to be sex. At the same time, he wasn’t sure if that was out of the table, but he tried not to think too much about what he would be willing to do if Crowley wanted, when he couldn’t even bring himself to hug Crowley.

At any rate, that wasn’t the point. The point was that Crowley didn’t love him40, so any time spent thinking about what a physical display of affection between them would entail was wasted.

Oh, Crowley cared about him, as much as a demon could. And Aziraphale was beginning to suspect that was about just as much as an angel could care. But Aziraphale could sense love, and he had never sensed anything from Crowley, and he had been paying attention for the last two or three thousand years41.

Not only that, but Crowley couldn’t sense love, he couldn’t even understand Aziraphale’s ability to do so42. If Aziraphale lusted after Crowley, maybe it would be different, but all the physical contact that he craved was tied exclusively to love, there was no lust there.

So Aziraphale was sure that Crowley thought of him as a friend, and that was enough, that had to be enough. They still had each other, even if not quite as Aziraphale would wish43. And at the end of the day, perhaps love, especially romantic love, wasn’t necessary for a caring committed relationship44.

Aziraphale was thinking about all of that45, arranging his books to occupy his mind while he waited for Crowley, when he felt as if he had been stabbed.

A sharp pain spread through his chest, and if he was human, he would assume he was having a heart attack, but that was one of the advantages of his powers, the health of his corporation was always more or less in a good condition46. So it wasn’t a heart attack.

The only time he had felt anything similar was during great disasters, times when people died in such huge numbers and so fast that the amount of love in the world dropped drastically and rapidly. Still, it had never been this fast, not even at the time of the Ark, and that was the fastest a large group of people ever died47.

The world was less loved, people and things in the world were less loved, but he couldn’t think of anything that would do this, not this fast. Close to half of all the love in the world seemed to be just… gone. That had to mean billions of people48, dying at the same time.

It was impossible, nothing could cause that, not even when the world was ending had he felt like that.

Aziraphale froze, panicking while thinking that perhaps this was it, that this was the attack from Heaven and Hell against Earth that Crowley had predicted. He had to find Crowley, they needed to discover what was happening, and find a way to reverse it. If this was the final great battle, then they were on the same side, on the side of humanity, and they had to fight.

Aziraphale ran out the door, not bothering to close it49. He didn’t think of calling Crowley, but he didn’t have to, Crowley had to already be on his way there, and he was hoping to find him halfway.

During the entire time, it never occurred to Aziraphale that maybe there was another, simpler explanation for what was happening.

Sure, killing a large number of humans was one way to decrease the love in the world, but not the only way. Another way was simply eliminating one occult being that had six thousand years of love for Earth, for humanity, for Aziraphale, and for so many of the things that he associated with being human. A love this old, and carried by a being that shouldn’t be capable of love, but was, was enough to make a strong impression.

Of course, Aziraphale didn’t know that, because by the time that he started looking for Crowley’s love, he was so used to sensing it all around him that it was impossible to see that it was even there. It was like trying to see if blood could change the color of water by putting a couple droplets in a glass that was already mostly filled with blood.

So while it was true that Crowley couldn’t sense love50, he could feel love. And Aziraphale was too busy having his biases about the capacity of demons for feelings seemingly confirmed to stop to think about what he had been sensing for so long.

If Aziraphale had realized this sooner, then perhaps a lot of grief could have been avoided, and he could have saved Crowley sooner51, but he was who he was, prejudices he had to confront and all.

\---

1Heaven liked to claim it created bureaucracy, which was why it was so efficient. Anyone who ever had contact with the bureaucratic process knew that to be false on both accounts. Including angels.[return to text]

2In that way, as in many other ways, Hell was identical to Heaven.[return to text]

3The losses of limbs, discorporations and destructions that resulted from this process without anyone being able to explain the justification or origins of said process weren't mistakes, as mistakes weren't possible. At least that was the institutional discourse in Heaven. Hell, on the other hand, was exactly the same. Can we establish that? It will save a lot of time in the long run.[return to text]

4The tea, in this case, was metaphorical. Neither angels nor demons drank tea, as a rule. One angel and one demon drank tea, on occasion, although both were more amicable to wine.[return to text]

5Due to a little problem of alarm clocks not working properly, probably due to lack of invention of time as a concept before that moment, the Earth’s creation started a little later than planned.[return to text]

6It was cause for much debate.[return to text]

7It’s important to keep note of that, it will come back later on, as something that could have avoided problems. In fact, a lot of problems that came before could also have been avoided by a conversation that lead to the confession of said feelings. At least problems of a personal nature, since most problems regarding the Apocalypse couldn’t have been avoided at all.[return to text]

8At least in the sense that, had them been competent at their jobs at all, or even done more to prevent the Apocalypse in general, the Earth would probably have been destroyed.[return to text]

9Technically speaking, it was possible that they could have gotten around that by having Heaven punish Crowley and Hell punish Aziraphale, but neither side would have thought of that.[return to text]

10No, seriously, they were. Less paperwork this way.[return to text]

11Fight, in this context, meant being willing to face Heaven and Hell holding hands and knowing that they would cease to exist, but would do so together. That they didn't actually cease to exist and the fight consisted mostly of giving confusing speeches didn't detract from the feeling behind it.[return to text]

12They weren’t officially told to stop with the reports, but sending them less often was a good way of not reminding their respective head offices that they still existed. And by less often they probably intended on never.[return to text]

13Don’t worry, he gets better.[return to text]

14It should be noted that at this point in history, Amazon hadn't yet been founded, and as such, hadn't had the opportunity to turn into a devilishly dystopian monstrosity. However, it is an apt description for three reasons. One, because its evil deeds could reverberate through time. Two, because Capitalism would throw a fit if his biggest accomplishment had been ignored by the sole reason of not yet existing (he was still sore over losing the horseperson gig to Pollution, and was holding out for Famine to retire). Three, for some distant reason that can never be explained, the mention of Amazon somewhat resonates with this story in an adjacent kind of way.[return to text]

15On that occasion, Hell experienced its first tornado, due to a sudden influx of souls, and the demon could be briefly seen while the wind threatened to toss them away.[return to text]

16The demon who came up with that code thought she was very clever, and always hoped someone would discover how she came up with it. As other demons, with rare exceptions, weren’t as good about seeing the future, no one had figured it out yet.[return to text]

17Two days after the set date for Apocalypse. They were really trying to get some work done, now that the world wasn't going to end, at least for the foreseeable future.[return to text]

18In Crowley's defense, he was just passing through Egypt and happened to see a child lost in the desert. He couldn't imagine the world of trouble that could cause him. And besides, he did try to tempt the bloke later in life, it wasn't his fault if some people preferred being Hermits. Crowley, who had since done many demonic and not so demonic things, forgot all about the incident.[return to text]

19The last time he went to see Aziraphale, which was two days before, he nearly hit another car, which wouldn’t be so concerning if not for the fact that it could have damaged the Bentley. He wasn’t distracted thinking about Aziraphale, so distracted that he couldn’t focus on driving. He also hadn’t left his car behind because he was afraid that might happen again. And he definitely wasn’t in such a good mood because he was meeting Aziraphale, which would be ridiculous, they did this all the time, and it didn’t mean anything. The reason why all of these were true was because the denial of a demon with imagination enough to explain things away was a powerful thing.[return to text]

20The whiskers weren’t the problem, but the patches of hairy grey skin falling off so nonchalantly would raise a red flag. It was ok, she liked it that way.[return to text]

21The news were never good. It was Hell, it had a reputation to keep.[return to text]

22It was infuriating.[return to text]

23Heaven's punishment was called purification. They were both equally terrible, but at least purification made some sense as a name, from Heaven’s perspective. Not because it involved anything being purer, but it fit well with Heaven’s image.[return to text]

24His _hair_ , before anyone gets ideas. As much as Aziraphale wouldn't mind helping a friend in need to hide, he would draw the line at his pants. Probably.[return to text]

25Because he was.[return to text]

26In a manner of speaking, since demons don’t get paid. Capitalism is an entirely human invention, and he’s still bitter that his role in destroying the world isn’t well recognized enough.[return to text]

27Crowley, like almost all demons, knew how to make humans not notice anything different about him. Crawly, on the other hand, didn’t even know that was necessary, and so didn’t see a problem in slithering around London as a snake.[return to text]

28Well, he was fairly long, but once one knew ethereal and occult beings, any snake was small by comparison.[return to text]

29How fast _could_ humans reproduce? As a demon, he didn’t have a clue.[return to text]

30In this case, Heaven wasn’t like Hell. It was _worse_.[return to text]

31Back when he was an angel, the human shaped form still wasn’t in fashion, and even if it had been, he refused to remember anything about that time. The memories were still there, he just refused to acknowledge them much in the way one is expected to do with strangers on public transportation, if those strangers happened to be your mostly emotionally, sometimes physically abusive family, and if you were thrown out of the house for not conforming to their strict doctrine and told in no uncertain terms that there would never be a place there for you. Perhaps this metaphor got a bit out of hand.[return to text]

32It should be easy, as there should be only one in existence. Of course that wasn’t the case.[return to text]

33He wasn’t a snake as much as Crowley wasn’t human, but he also was a snake as much as Crowley was human. It was complicated.[return to text]

34When he was alone, he didn’t eat as often, but he loved eating with Crowley. Even if Crowley only accepted to actually eat around half the time.[return to text]

35Which is to say, nowhere near humans.[return to text]

36 _Necessarily_ cruel was a whole different monster.[return to text]

37He was sure that at some point he spoke a language in which these two didn’t share the same root, but he couldn’t remember which one.[return to text]

38Most humans he could forgive, only a few were truly unforgivable, and he didn’t know all that many demons, but there were some angels that were near impossible to stand. He wouldn’t go as far as saying he hated them, but, if you got him drunk enough, he might confess to not even being willing to piss on them to put out Hellfire39.[return to text]

39Crowley got him to say that. Unfortunately, he was also too drunk to fully appreciate this, and so got distracted by wondering aloud if angel piss was Holy and therefore could put out Hellfire, which lead to a heated debate. Neither of them could remember anything about this the following morning.[return to text]

40As far as Aziraphale knew. He didn’t know much.[return to text]

41It never occurred to him that he wasn’t paying enough attention, nor that he started looking for it too late.[return to text]

42Aziraphale reached far too many bad conclusions.[return to text]

43He didn’t know what exactly he would wish. Preferably a romantic relationship, but not necessarily.[return to text]

44Even though the word queerplatonic hadn’t been created yet, people had this type of relationship for a very long time, because reality wasn’t limited to vocabulary. Aziraphale was somewhat aware of that.[return to text]

45He shouldn’t, but he was. He had been thinking about Crowley and love more often, since they were free now for the first time in their existence. That was wonderful to think about, how free they were.[return to text]

46Not perfect though, but he enjoyed the little ‘defects’.[return to text]

47Probably, he wasn’t always good at keeping track.[return to text]

48He lost count, but was mostly sure there were a couple billion people by now. It was past five billion total, but Aziraphale didn’t know that.[return to text]

49The door was polite enough to close and lock itself, since its owner wouldn’t appreciate being robbed.[return to text]

50He could, on the other hand, sense wants and desires, but that was neither here nor there. Although it was useful when he wanted to order some dessert he had no intention of eating, only to tempt Aziraphale with it.[return to text]

51Not by much tough.[return to text]


	2. Familiar, unknown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to apologize in advance for Crowley's sibilants, I don't like writing them out but it's the convention of the book, so I went with it. I promise there won't be that many 's's in the following chapters.

Crawly kept slithering52, blissfully unaware that Aziraphale was panicking about the state of the love in the world.

In a way, his lack of memory meant he was less anxious than he had been in six thousand years. He was still anxious, of course, about both Hell and nothing in particular. Proper anxiety was something that he had before, but that was refined by contact with humanity.

At that moment, his life was simple. He was a demon, he was supposed to tempt and cause confusion, and he really needed to learn to stop questioning things.

In about ten seconds, his life would become a lot more complicated.

\---

Aziraphale ran out of his shop, turned the corner, and immediately saw that people were running away from something on the crosswalk, half a block away. It took him only a second to realize that the something in question was Crowley.

He hadn’t seen Crowley’s snake form in a long time53. Some time after Eden but before written language. Crowley would change forms more often around that time54, before he really got attached to his human form55. Still, he would recognize Crowley anywhere, no matter the form he took, the same way that Crowley could recognize him possessing Madam Tracy’s body.

He was so relieved to see Crowley that he didn’t even stop to think about why he would be in his snake form.

“My dear boy, there you are, did you feel that?” he said, far vaguer than he should be, but he was taken somewhat aback by Crowley’s form. It was awkward, talking to a snake on the middle of the street.

Crowley56 raised his head to look at Aziraphale and hissed.

“Oh, you took this form because of that?” Aziraphale asked, trying to interpret the sound57.

Crowley hissed again.

“Maybe we could go somewhere safer to talk about this?” he tried, beginning to lose his confidence that this was in fact Crowley58.

Crowley hissed once again, and made a motion to bite him, but Aziraphale was fast enough to jump out of the way.

“Crowley! What has gotten into you?” he said in his best scolding voice59.

“Mr. Fell?” came a voice from a shop’s window, the little pastry shop he often went to60. “Is that snake yours?”

Aziraphale turned to the voice, belonging to one of the youths that worked at the pastry shop. During his moment of distress, he couldn’t quite remember their name61. “Oh, well, it’s a bit complicated.”

“You named your snake after your husband?” they asked. Perhaps they should be too scared of the snake to think about this, but being inside the shop was safer than out on the street, and Aziraphale, and to a lesser degree Crowley, were regular customers62.

“Oh, I wouldn’t call him that. And actually, uh, this is his snake. I don’t know what he’s doing out on the street.” As far as lies went, it wasn’t really all that bad. And he didn’t think he could explain anything closer to the truth even if he wanted to.

“Well, you should pick him up then, Sue called the RSPCA,” they said, in the tone that someone might say someone called the police without need.

Aziraphale had no idea who Sue was63, and also didn’t know anything about RSPCA64, but from the context, he could tell it was bad.

“Oh, there’s really no need for that. He isn’t dangerous, just a bit anxious around strangers. I’ll get him inside, I’m sure Crowley is worried sick about him.”

Crowley didn’t seem to mind the way they were talking about him, just eyeing Aziraphale curiously.

Still, that was easier said than done. Taking an uncooperative snake anywhere when you didn’t know what you were doing would be hard enough, but moving a demon against their will without hurting them was close to impossible. One could say it would take a miracle.

“Alright, my dear, we need to be civil about this. Come inside so we can talk,” Aziraphale said, trying to sound stern.

He stared at Crowley, Crowley stared at him. Angels don’t need to blink, and snakes can’t. That went on for a while.

“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

The answer, of course, was no. “I’ve been dealing with snakes since humanity was young, of course I know what I’m doing.”

Jaime laughed. “I can never pass on a gay joke either, but I mean the animal, and it’s really important that you know what you’re doing. Even if it’s not poisonous66 that snake can crush you or something.”

Aziraphale was already ignoring them, because he was focusing on a way to get Crowley back to the bookshop. Not even because something disastrous happened to the love in the world and they needed to find a way to revert it, but because something disastrous happened to Crowley.

“If this is how you’re going to behave, then I’ll be forced to take drastic measures,” he said, giving one last try to the hope of getting through to Crowley67.

Crowley started moving away from him, so Aziraphale did the only thing he could think of to stop him: tossed his coat on him and grabbed the tips, making an improvised bag68.

For a moment, Aziraphale just stared at his coat, holding it as far away from his body as possible. Then, as Crowley began to get angry and struggle against the coat, Aziraphale realized where he was and that he had to bring Crowley somewhere safe.

“I’ll take him home now, have a nice day.”

Aziraphale ran back to the shop, careful not to let Crowley near his body. A snake bite was easy enough to fix with only a small miracle, but he wasn’t sure what a demon bite could do to him69, and wasn’t too keen on learning the answer.

He went to the back room, closing the door behind him, and gently dropped the coat on the floor, taking a few steps back, in case Crowley was still angry about being put in a bag70.

\---

Crawly that no idea what was going on, but he had strong suspicions that he was kidnapped by an angel. If that was the case, then there was a good chance that he was going to be smitten, which would put a damper on his plans.

However, he was still a demon, and as much as he wasn’t too invested in the idea of killing an angel, he liked the idea of painfully dying even less, so he had to give it a try.

Besides, actual killing wasn’t necessary. If he could discoporate the angel, he would be able to run away before the angel came back. And he could still add that to his next report, it was a win-win.

Since the angel didn’t seem to be armed, and his only weapon was his fangs, his best bet was to get close and attack first.

\---

Crowley slithered out of the coat, and rose as much of his body as he could, hissing.

For a moment, Aziraphale wondered if Crowley would actually attack him. Then, Crowley attacked him.

“Crowley!” Aziraphale yelped, jumping out of the way.

Crowley attacked him again, and Aziraphale jumped out of the way again. The small room didn’t give him much place to go, and Crowley was faster than him, but less maneuverable in the air.

They had fought before, thousands of years before, but there was never much heart behind it. They fought because they had to, but in that way of someone who received an order that they didn’t want to follow. And whenever they had an opening to ending the fight by one of them running away, they did.

This was different, Crowley was attacking him like his life depended on it71.

Aziraphale was a soldier, he was made as one, and he knew how to fight. But he didn’t want to hurt Crowley, and fighting someone intent on discorporating you while trying to keep them safe was considerable harder than cutting a demon snake in half.

“Crowley, what has gotten into you?” he demanded, trying to keep the furniture between the two of them.

Nothing he said seemed to get through to Crowley, and he didn’t know what to do.

Crowley managed to corner him, wrapping himself around Aziraphale’s arms and legs, and prepared to bite.

Aziraphale closed his eyes in panic, trying to think of something that could save him. Then he felt a release in pressure, and a very human shaped Crowley fell on his arms.

Under normal circumstances, neither an angel nor a demon could change the other’s form, unless they had a significantly greater level of power. However, for occult and ethereal creatures alike, their physical form was tied to their state of mind. At that moment, Crowley wasn’t entirely invested in being a snake, so he didn’t care one way or the other. However, Aziraphale was very invested in having Crowley go back to the form Aziraphale was more used to. So Aziraphale’s will won.

Aziraphale wrapped his arms around Crowley, who seemed to have forgotten how legs worked72.

“What did they do to you, my dear?” he begged, his voice pained. Someone had scared his best friend, and he didn’t know how to help.

\---

Crawly had no idea what had just happened. One moment he was a snake, ready to bite the plump neck of an angel.The next, he had more limbs than he knew what to do with, bones and muscles in all the wrong places.

He couldn’t make his body stand up properly, so he raised his head, and stared at the angel.

From this close, he seemed almost familiar, but he couldn’t be. Now that they were breathing the same air, his smell was something that Crowley couldn’t place, but he was sure he felt before. That was the moment that his brain decided that they needed to communicate, so he squinted, trying to force the words to get out in the same language the angel was speaking.

“What happened?” he said, still not used to a more human tongue, his head throbbing as a whole new language grew inside it. It wasn’t a pleasant process73.

\---

Aziraphale petted Crowley’s back, trying to be reassuring. They weren’t the hugging kind, in fact Aziraphale appreciated a respectable distance between them most of the time. But the moment asked for some physical reassurance, and he was so scared of what had happened to Crowley that he needed to hug him as much as Crowley needed to be held.

“I don’t know, I just found you like this, my dear boy,” he said, staring into Crowley’s eyes, looking for answers.

“Why are you sssssspeaking to me like thissssss?” he asked, lowering his head to Aziraphale’s shoulder, shielding his eyes from the light74. He was hissing on the sibilants more than usual, as much as when he was drunk.

Aziraphale’s hand stopped. Crowley looked so lost like this, and Aziraphale didn’t know what to do. They still had a crisis to deal with, but it didn’t seem important, not when Crowley was suffering and he didn’t even know why.

“What do you mean, this is how I always speak to you.”

“You called me ‘dear’. Do you know me, angel?”

Aziraphale pushed Crowley back slightly, searching his expression for any indication of a joke. “It’s me, Crowley. It’s Aziraphale.”

“Why are you calling me Crowley?” he asked, struggling to keep his eyes open.

“It’s your name. What happened to you?” he asked more urgently.

“ _Crawly_ , my name is Crawly,” he said, but he lacked conviction75.

“It was, you changed it, remember? Thousands of years ago. You said Crawly wasn’t you,” he said carefully, afraid of scaring Crowley away.

“Crowley,” he repeated, tasting the name on his tongue. “How do you know me?”

“We met in the Garden. You tempted Eve to eat the forbidden fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, she and Adam were cast out of Eden, so I gave them my flaming sword for protection. We talked about it, perhaps we shouldn’t, but we did.” There was more that he wanted to say, but he couldn’t put it into words. He was still too caught up on the fact Crowley didn’t know who he was.

“I’m ssssssuppossssssed to go to the Garden. Causssssse ssssssome trouble.”

“Crowley, that was almost six thousand years ago,” he said softly, his voice barely above a whisper.

Aziraphale was beginning to suspect that something that happened to Crowley’s memory76. If someone did this to him, Aziraphale would hunt them down and kill them.

They were supposed to be free now, everything was supposed to be alright. They won. And now Crowley was looking at him, even more lost than he seemed during the Apocalypse.

“Sssssso it’ssssss almosssssst time for the end of timesssss?”

“No, my dear. We… we stopped that. You and me. Well, the actual antichrist did most of the stopping, after he already started with the doing, but we were there in the fight. Well, not fight, really, we convinced Heaven and Hell to stop the fight.”

Crowley tried standing on his own legs, but he couldn’t force them to move right. Aziraphale held him tighter77, not wanting Crowley to fall.

“It’ssssss not possssssible,” he said, like a lost child.

Aziraphale hugged him tighter, moving his hand on Crowley’s back, holding him protectively against his chest.

“What did they do to you, Crowley?”

Aziraphale carried him to the sofa, sitting Crowley on his side, but keeping one arm around his shoulders.

“How do I know you’re telling the truth? You’re the enemy,” he said, not sounding at all convinced of his own words.

Aziraphale sighed. How do you prove something so old and so secret to someone who didn’t even know who they were? Crowley wasn’t the same person after six thousand years among humans than he was when he first left Hell78, but it was the serpent who first spoke to Aziraphale, who first reached out. Even then Crowley was different from other demons, so Aziraphale had to reach out to him now.

“I don’t know how to make you trust me. But I can tell you this, when you came to the Garden, you could have done anything, tempted them in any way, but the only thing you did was give them the knowledge to have a choice, you gave them the tools of free will. I tried not to wonder if you weren’t right from the start. We didn’t become friends immediately, and we didn’t always understand each other, but we were never truly enemies, not when it mattered.”

\---

Crowley, he had accepted that name now, tentatively. It sounded too right not to be true, even if it came from the mouth of a stranger that claimed to know him.

Crowley didn’t know what to think. He was eager for answers to questions he was afraid to ask. Something deep inside of him told him to trust this angel, but maybe it was all a trick. He didn’t know, he had never fought an angel. He never meant to fall, after all. It was never his war, and he wasn’t a fighter, not really, not when there was another way.

But he had attacked this angel - Aziraphale, he had said -, attacked because he saw no other choice, because he was taken to an unknown place and didn’t know how to escape, but attacked nonetheless, and Aziraphale did nothing but run from him, did nothing to hurt him.

Even when he couldn’t run, all Aziraphale did was change his form, and that shouldn’t have been possible, not unless he had a stronger mental image of how Crowley looked as a human than Crowley did of his own body as a snake. And this body felt right, even though he wasn’t sure how to move it, it felt right. It fitted him like a glove. Not a vehicle to move, but a vessel to inhabit.

And what Aziraphale said made some sort of twisted sense. Like someone knew his deepest secrets and failings. He didn’t know about a tree of knowledge, but knowledge was something he had always craved. If given the chance, would he go after this?

It didn’t seem possible, that an angel could understand him like this, but he never felt like he belonged among the demons, and if he allowed himself to think back far enough, he never felt like he belonged among the angels either. And yet here, in this strange place, with this strange angel, he felt like he belonged.

It could be a trick, of course it could, but why? He wasn’t anyone important. He didn’t _matter_. Not in the grand scheme of things, not to Heaven, not to Hell. Not to anyone79. He was just another demon, his feelings and intentions were irrelevant to the Great Plan. He had chosen his side, however unknowingly, and there would be no other choice.

He wasn’t even sure if the first one was even a choice. After all, angels don’t have free will, and neither do demons. So how could anyone chose to rebel? Chose to fight Heaven? That was exactly the kind of question that could get him in trouble, more trouble, if that was even possible. The last thing demons wanted to hear was that they were created to be evil, only so that the angels could destroy them in the end.

He didn’t know what to think, didn’t know what to feel.

As far as he could tell, something or someone robbed him of six thousand years of memories, and things he couldn’t even imagine happened during that time.

The only thing he was sure of was that he wanted to trust Aziraphale.

If his mind hadn’t been so full of all the things he didn’t know how to interpret at that moment, he might have realized that this was a choice. His very first real choice since having his memories taken away.

The first step on the path to becoming himself again.

“Tell me… tell me about who I wasss,” he said, very deliberately. This was the road he wanted to take.

\---

They had been talking for hours, Aziraphale telling stories from their shared past, with occasional questions from Crowley. But mostly he talked, and Crowley listened. He had meant to tell things in chronological order, but it was odd how memories connected to one another, and sometimes Crowley’s questions lead him to different places than he intended.

Sometime around those stories, Crowley had started resting his head on Aziraphale’s shoulder, while he still had his arm around Crowley. And Aziraphale let him, because he didn’t know how else to comfort him.

It was strange, talking like this, so intimately and for so long, without any alcohol involved. But Crowley didn’t ask and Aziraphale didn’t offer. It wouldn’t be right, they both already had too much on their mind without the cloud of alcohol, and if Crowley had trouble remembering English or his physical form, he probably wouldn’t know how to sober up.

Later, after night had come and went, Crowley’s head fell from Aziraphale’s shoulder to his lap. He didn’t need sleep, but his body was used to it, even if the memory was gone from his mind, his body still remembered80, and it would take some conscient effort to tell it to stop bothering him and stay awake. Especially considering how exhausted he was, after the curse.

For the first time since losing his memories, Crowley was completely relaxed. On the other hand, Aziraphale was panicking, frozen in place.

They had never done anything like this, and although Aziraphale had wondering about it, wished for it really, reality was different from fantasy, and this wasn’t his Crowley. Well, it was, but not yet the Crowley he imagined sleeping next to him while Aziraphale read a good book. Besides, no, he wasn’t, because no Crowley was _his_.

What would be the proper reaction to having one’s romantic fantasies regarding one’s best friend come into reality in a twisted way?

Should he get along with it and miracle a book to his hands? He wouldn’t be able to focus on anything that he had readily available. Crowley and books ranked close on his list of interests, sometimes one went above the other, depending on the specific circumstances. A lost Shakespeare play would rank above Crowley having a bad day at work, Crowley losing his memory ranked above re-reading something from his collection. If he had a book he thought could help Crowley, it would be different, but humans were notoriously bad when it came to understanding occult creatures81.

Perhaps he should leave Crowley to sleep and go look for an answer somewhere. However, Crowley had felt safe enough with him to sleep, and habit or not, he wouldn’t have done that if he didn’t trust Aziraphale. Leaving him seemed like a violation of that trust. Not to mention Aziraphale had no idea where to begin the search. Or how to stand without waking Crowley up.

So Aziraphale went with door number three, stay there, frozen under Crowley, and think. Despite his obliviousness in all matters Crowley, and their shared incompetence during the Apocalypse, he _was_ intelligent. If there was a way to give Crowley what was stolen from him, then he would find it.

Especially if he had help from someone who was surprisingly good in understanding matters of the occult and the ethereal, for a human.

\---

As Crowley was being cursed, Anathema was getting ready to leave the house. An old friend of the family82 had heard that she was in town, and asked her over for tea. Anathema wasn’t too keen on accepting the invitation, but she had been feeling a little lost as of late83, and she could use the company.

It was entirely her choice, it had to be, since she destroyed the second batch of prophecies, right?

There was no way that this could have been predicted, or her actions could be directed, now that she rejected her role84.

So tea would just be tea.

\---

Aziraphale fondly brushed a lock away from Crowley’s eyes. He always liked Crowley’s hair like this, a bit longer, and always wondered what it would feel like, carting his fingers through Crowley’s hair. He hadn’t done it now, it felt too much like taking advantage, but no one could blame him for moving some hair out of the way.

He had assumed it would be tiresome, boring even, watching over Crowley as he slept, but in a way the familiar presence helped clear his head and helped him think. He wondered what it would feel like if he could do that without such pressure to find a way to cure Crowley.

One thing that was odd was Crowley sleeping with his eyes wide open. Snakes couldn’t blink85, of course, but Crowley could, if he made enough of an effort86, and he did blink sometimes. Not very often though, he rather preferred to wink than to blink87. It was generally easier to wear shades, but he could even close his eyes if he absolutely had to. Aziraphale had seen it, back around the time they walked around deserts more, and shades hadn’t been invented yet88.

He wondered if Crowley always slept with his eyes open. After all, the point of sleep is to relax, is it not? Aziraphale hardly saw how Crowley could relax thinking ‘eyelids’ the entire time. Although maybe it was like other changes in appearance, and the only effort was to first create the change, even though Crowley obviously lacked the mechanisms to autonomously move them. He would have to ask Crowley, not when he woke up, but when he got his memories back. It wasn’t exactly a priority89.

It should be noted that Aziraphale was supposed to be thinking of a way to recover Crowley’s memories, not thinking about what he looked like when he slept. Aziraphale wouldn’t have been able to find a solution even if he had tried, because this was ancient magic, from when the Earth was young. It was made not to be reversed90, not by angels and not by demons. No miracle could save Crowley. But still, Aziraphale should be trying to find a solution.

Or at least he should be doing something useful. Staring at Crowley while he slept wasn’t useful.

Luckily for them, solutions had a way of presenting themselves to them, even when they went about all the wrong steps to find those solutions.

If Aziraphale hadn’t been paying so much attention, he wouldn’t have been able to tell when Crowley woke up. There was no slowly blinking back into conscience, but his eyes went from glassy to focused, taking his surroundings before settling on Aziraphale.

Aziraphale still had his hand on Crowley’s head, but he refused to be embarrassed by it, because his reasons were innocent. After all, Crowley didn’t have eyelids at the moment, someone had to stop him from getting hair in his eyes.

Crowley would never forgive him if he said so, but he looked adorable like this, a little lost, blushing slightly, almost like he was looking for a place to hide.

“Good morning,” he said instead, with a smile, trying to be comforting.

\---

52A considerably slower method of travel when compared to driving a car with a speed limit that was more a suggestion than a rule.[return to text]

53Not because Crowley hadn’t turned in a long time, although he didn’t do it too often, but simply because he hadn’t done it around Aziraphale.[return to text]

54Like a child playing with a new toy, he spent quite a few centuries just exploring the ways he could alter reality and himself.[return to text]

55Most demons controlled their corporations, Crowley inhabited his. That made a difference. In a way, it was the difference between a house and a home. [return to text]

56Who at the time believed himself to be Crawly, but Aziraphale didn’t know that. Chosen names can get tricky once we are talking about memory loss.[return to text]

57Aziraphale, despite being extremely intelligent, could be rather oblivious at times, as was previously established. In this case, he seemed to have forgotten that Crowley as a snake could speak just as well as Crowley as a human, except for the fact that his speech impediment was a bit more noticeable. Aziraphale should absolutely know that, since their first conversation happened long before Crowley changed his preferred shape to human.[return to text]

58It was the kind of loss of confidence that happened when you were absolutely sure of something, but then another thing happened and it was so absurd that you almost started believing it. Like that time he was accused by a Baron of fathering the bastard child of his daughter, and the man had such confidence in his accusation that he made Aziraphale second guess himself and take a moment to wonder if he ever slept with a woman and simply forgot about this, also temporarily forgetting the complications of a gestation caused by a human and an angel. In the end, he wasn’t the father, and he had never slept with a woman, nor had he wished to, but the point stands, confidence is a powerful thing. And at that moment, Crowley was giving off a common snake energy with a lot of confidence.[return to text]

59What had gotten into him was that angels and demons don’t come with all human languages previously installed. They could use their powers as a type of telepathic universal translator, but only if they knew to do that, or they could learn languages the old fashioned way, which was slow but mostly painless. Most of the time, Crowley learnt languages by cultural osmosis, with a special effort being made to learn the most modern vocabulary. There was a third option, but it was bad.[return to text]

60Owned by an elderly gay couple, a French chef and his Italian husband, the combination made for a wonderful cuisine, and Aziraphale mostly thought that the food was the reason he felt so at home there. As stated, Aziraphale could be oblivious. Oh, he knew he identified with queer spaces in general, but there was something about the domesticity between two men that shared a life together that comforted him uncomfortably.[return to text]

61Their name was Jaime, but they tried not to say it next to their French boss, because he would always say back “Qu’est-ce que vous aimez?”. Dad jokes are universal.[return to text]

62Besides, Aziraphale and Crowley were just plain _weird_ , Jaime wouldn’t miss a chance to learn more about them.[return to text]

63Actually, he knew Sue, she worked at the shop as well, and was the nice girl who always saved him a _mille foglie_ when they started selling too fast. She was also Jaime’s girlfriend. Aziraphale also knew that, which went to show how disturbed he was by whatever had happened to Crowley.[return to text]

64Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. Aziraphale didn’t know them, but Crowley did. There was an incident in the late XIX century, he didn’t like to talk about this65.[return to text]

65He didn’t even mean to turn! He just had an extremely weird dream.[return to text]

66Curiously enough, although Crowley wasn’t venomous, not unless he really wanted to be, he _was_ poisonous. All demons were, and angels too. Humans shouldn’t go around eating them.[return to text]

67Who at this moment was very confused and thinking if he should just go around.[return to text]

68Since Crowley was currently around four meters long, the coat shouldn’t have been big enough to contain him, but since that thought didn’t occur to Aziraphale, it was. It was said that it would take a miracle.[return to text]

69Curiously enough, the result depended on the intention behind the bite.[return to text]

70He was.[return to text]

71Which, from his perspective, it did.[return to text]

72Sometimes Aziraphale actually reached good conclusions.[return to text]

73Which was why most angels and demons avoided miracling the knowledge of a language. It was much easier to communicate telepathically, and more comfortable to learn it like humans did.[return to text]

74He was already vulnerable and exposed, what difference would this make?[return to text]

75That was because Crowley _felt_ right, a lot righter than Crawly did, but he couldn’t understand that feeling, and there was too much happening that he didn’t understand already. He knew Crawly was his name, so he focused on that, even if it didn’t feel right.[return to text]

76Yes, only now.[return to text]

77Crowley didn’t know if he could believe him, but it felt good, being in his arms. Which was why he suspected there was something to what the angel was saying.[return to text]

78At his core, he was the same person. He changed considerably less than Aziraphale had.[return to text]

79If he had voiced this, it would have horrified Aziraphale.[return to text]

80Before, he was too panicked for muscle memory to kick in, which was why he couldn’t move his body, but now he could fall asleep. Muscle memory does its best work when the brain isn’t thinking and getting in the way. Unfortunately for Crowley, his brain was often thinking and getting in the way.[return to text]

81Much like they were bad in understanding the future. It was a shame there wasn’t a book by Agnes Nutter telling them how to save Crowley. Right?[return to text]

82Anathema wasn’t sure which member of the family she was friends with, since the woman in question was near a hundred already, but she had heard the name before and knew her to be a friend, just not whose friend.[return to text]

83A lot has happened to her during the months since she fulfilled her destiny and helped stop the Apocalypse, and since she stopped being a professional descendant. It would probably make for an interesting story, but Crowley would complain if attention was diverged from his predicament.[return to text]

84And it should be said, Agnes Nutter was glad to respect that. She was done interfering in _Anathema’s_ fate.[return to text]

85The first time Crowley told him this, Aziraphale replied that it made no sense and Crowley had to be wrong. Crowley stared at him for two hours to prove that he was right, and Aziraphale only begrudgingly accepted this explanation because he was getting embarrassed by being watched for this long and wanted it to stop. At no point he considered that this could have had nothing to do with snakes, since demons, like angels, don’t necessarily need to blink.[return to text]

86Think of a person imitating their cat’s slow blink to indicate that they love that animal. Very deliberate, a little awkward, all parts involved are left thinking if perhaps not bothering was a better idea.[return to text]

87It still frustrated him that in almost six thousand years with a human form, he still couldn’t pull off a smooth wink. It always looked like someone had poked him in the eye in slow motion. Aziraphale thought it was adorable, but would never say that aloud.[return to text]

88Sometimes, the light was hard on Crowley’s eyes, others, not that much. Aziraphale wasn’t sure why, and it never felt right to ask. Still, he kept his shop poorly lit, not necessary because of Crowley, but it helped keep customers away, and had the added bonus of increasing the frequency of Crowley removing his shades. Aziraphale missed Crowley’s eyes.[return to text]

89If you don’t want to wait, Crowley slept with his eyes closed since the second time he tried sleep. On the first time, he moved and rubbed his open eyes on sand, he had to sit inside a river for a week to get everything out, and some grains had gotten inside the socket. Much like having a human form in general, once his eyelids were in place he didn’t think about them, which often meant they would stay in the same position they were last used. Which was, of course, very convenient for sleep.[return to text]

90In theory.[return to text]


	3. Perceptions

Crowley had a strange dream.

Well, any dream that he had would be strange by the simple fact that he shouldn’t have been dreaming at all in the first place, but besides that, it was strange in content.

He dreamed he was floating in unconditional love, like being back in Heaven, but not Heaven how it had been when he was still there or how it was now. It was Heaven how it was always supposed to be, how angels wished it was and pretended it was. It was pure love, warm and comforting and all around him, directed _to him_.

He felt safe, safer than he had ever been in his entire existence. Safer than any demon had a right to be.

And then he woke up.

First, he couldn’t remember where he was or what had happened. It was his first experience with that confusion people get when they’re waking up, when everything is slightly unreal. Then, he saw Aziraphale looking at him from above, his hand on Crowley’s hair.

The way he looked at Crowley was so soft, so loving91…

Crowley’s blood froze. It couldn’t be, could it? Aziraphale hadn’t mentioned anything about it, but the way he was looking at him now…

Crowley shook his head, and tried to hide his face before Aziraphale could see him blush, but stopped once he realized that it would only make things more awkward, as he still had his head on Aziraphale’s lap92.

His life was much simpler the day before, when he was just a demonic snake trying to get his job done, before he had to interpret what he was to this angel that knew him better than he knew himself.

Simpler, but not better. As confused as he was, he enjoyed...

Crowley decided he wouldn’t think about this. He would take everything the angel had said at face value and not try to discover how they really came to be whatever they were. Or what exactly they were. His life was already complicated enough as it was, the rest could be a problem for his future self, preferably a future self with memories.

“What happened?” he asked, choosing to ignore Aziraphale’s greeting.

“Oh, you just fell asleep. I suppose I may have tired you with all my stories, or perhaps this whole ordeal did a number on you,” Aziraphale said, with his hand still on Crowley’s hair.

Crowley wouldn’t think about that hand. He didn’t want to read into things, perhaps it was simply cultural at that time to touch people so much, he wouldn’t know. And at any rate, it didn’t bother him. Personal space doesn’t exist as such in Hell, even though demons weren’t known for trading gentle touches, and Aziraphale’s touch was nice, far nicer than an angel’s touch had any right to be93.

“Demonsss don’t need sssleep,” he said as if it was obvious, because he knew that much. He was also glad to hear his tongue was behaving better, still pulling the sibilant sounds, but not as much94.

Aziraphale smiled fondly at him, making Crowley even more uncomfortable, although he didn’t dislike it95. In this position, everything seemed too intimate, and he felt like a demon impersonating a lover to accomplish a seduction96. Which perhaps he was, except for the intention necessary for that. But he wasn’t going to think about that, because he wasn’t going to think about what his past self might have had with this angel.

“Of course not, you don’t need to sleep, but I suppose your body is used to it. After all, we don’t need to eat, but that has never stopped us from going out to dinner. You can tell yourself to stay awake when you have to, but from what you told me, you always loved to sleep when you could.”

Dinner. Us. Dinner. Together? They went on dinners together, despite not needing to eat. Crowley wasn't going to think about it, he wasn't going to think about it…

"We do that often? Dinner, together?" he asked, trying to sound casual. As casual as he could with his head on someone's lap. He should really stand up.

Aziraphale took a long moment before answering, and Crowley wondered if he did the wrong thing by asking. "Not so much in the early days. More often since the Arrangement, even more so since the antichrist. Almost every day since the world didn't end, either dinner or lunch. Sometimes even both."

Well, that certainly seemed closer than the friendship Aziraphale described. Still, maybe he was reading too much into this, maybe they just loved food a whole lot. He should really stop with the questions, and stop thinking about this.

"And… sleep?" he asked tentatively, stopping himself last minute from adding 'together'.

He really never did know when to stop asking questions. One would think that falling would have been enough to make the lesson stick, but it wasn’t.

"Oh, no, my dear boy," he said in a humorous tone, not even slightly offended, "I never understood your fascination with sleep. I have to admit that at times I was rather annoyed with this particular indulgence of yours. One time in particular you left me rather… lonely. But there's no point in discussing that now."

Crowley had a feeling Aziraphale wanted to say more, but maybe he had a better sense than Crowley. Or maybe he wanted to talk about it to a Crowley that would know what he was talking about.

He wondered what he did, to leave Aziraphale feeling so lonely. He tried not to wonder why he was the solution to Aziraphale's loneliness.

Also, he couldn’t help but notice that Aziraphale’s negative was relating to his own lack of appreciation for sleep, and didn’t say anything about their relationship.

He was really trying not to think about that, but Aziraphale wasn't making things easy. That wasn’t very angelic of him.

Crowley almost wondered if he should apologize, but he was a demon, after all.

"I hope I made it up to you?" he tried instead.

Aziraphale cupped his face, staring at him with a mix of fondness and melancholic, and for one terrifying moment, Crowley thought he might kiss him. He didn't know if he was disappointed or relieved when Aziraphale didn't97.

"That's enough of that. You have other things to worry about, like finding out what happened to you. Are you hungry? We could go for," he glanced at the clock, "dinner, I suppose. A little early for it, but far too late for lunch."

He didn't know if he was hungry, but he supposed not. He didn't need food, even if his body was used to it, so he couldn’t be hungry, probably. But he didn't want to refuse Aziraphale. At that moment, he didn’t know if there was anything that Aziraphale could suggest that he couldn’t gladly accept, just so he wouldn’t disappoint him.

He was about to accept the offer when a thought occurred to him.

"Do I have children?"

Aziraphale almost dropped him, startled. "Absolutely not! What gave you that idea?"

Wrong thing to say98. He backtracked, trying to find the source of the uneasiness he was feeling.

"Minionsss, then?"

That seemed to calm Aziraphale down.

"You do have some agents. We even have some in common99. Why, did you remember something?"

"Not really, I just have a feeling that I'm sssupposssed to be caring for sssomeone100."

"Your plants, maybe? You were always terribly fond of them. It figured that would be the one thing you would remember… oh, no, the Bentley! Do you remember where you left it?"

He had no idea, but was willing to bet that, whatever the Bentley was, it was important to him. He couldn’t remember it, but he hoped it was safe.

“No, the firssst thing I remember after Hell isss another demon on the ssstreet crawling back to Hell, then I wass ssslithering about and met you.”

Aziraphale grabbed him by the arms and lifted him to a sitting position, face to face, which was even more awkward because now he was nearly sitting on his lap, and Aziraphale didn’t seem bothered by that.

Crowley absolutely would not think about what that could possibly mean.

“You remember what happened to you? Why didn’t you say something when I asked? This is important information, my dear, tell me all the details!” he said, not so much angry as desperate.

He wanted to point out that before he didn’t trust Aziraphale and before that he couldn’t understand what he was asking to even answer it, but decided against it. Aziraphale seemed to genuinely care about him, so it would be too much of a jerk move.

“I wasss a ssserpent, and there wasss a demon. Ssshe sssaid sssomething about a punissshment101. That the punisshment wasss dealt. Then ssshe crawled back to Hell and left me here. I remembered my misssion, that I had before I left Hell. Ssso I went to look for the Garden, and you found me.”

That truly was all that he could remember. Although he knew English now, he didn’t when he heard Aziraphale talking to the human, so he couldn’t remember the words that were said. At any rate, it wasn’t necessary for him to remember them, since Aziraphale knew what was said. But still, if he had understood, perhaps it would have answered some of his questions about their relationship, even if the answers might not have been the most accurate.

Aziraphale let go of him, so Crowley adjusted himself on the sofa to be sitting next to him. He tried not to think about how much he wanted to stay in contact with him.

Now, Aziraphale seemed to have forgotten all about him, lost in his own thoughts.

Maybe this would be it, maybe now he would find a solution and this Crowley could stop existing, giving place to his former self. The idea was tempting102, he didn’t want to die, but existing in such a confusing form was tiring.

\---

Punishment. So this was not only done intentionally, but was a punishment carried out intentionally by Hell. The ‘she’ part made things complicated. Aziraphale couldn’t remember any demons that went by she, not that Crowley had mentioned103.

Which brought about the most disturbing possibility.

If Crowley had been cursed by Hastur or Beelzebub or someone else who hated him personally, it would be one thing. Bad, but he had faced enemies before and won, somehow. However, if this wasn’t someone he knew, then maybe the punishment came through the higher (lower?) channels of Hell, and if that was the case it could be much worse.

Aziraphale knew preciously little about punishments from Hell, but if they were anything like Heaven, truly severe ones were from extremely rare to unheard of104, but when dealt, they weren’t the reversible kind.

Hell wouldn’t leave an opening for its own punishment to be reversed, and no miracle from Heaven would work against it, at least not the kind that a demon could survive.

If that was the case, they were out of options, but Aziraphale didn’t want to even entertain the possibility.

Crowley was still with him, but he wasn’t. As much as he still looked like himself, six thousand years on Earth was a long time, even for beings like them. He had changed, grew into a better… person, if they could even be called that. In a way, Earth had made better people out of both of them.

They had done the impossible, saved the world, it couldn’t end like this.

Crowley convinced him to fight, to go against everything he thought he believed and fight for what was right. In doing so, Crowley had saved him, now it was his turn to save Crowley.

He couldn’t let him like this, he had to find a way to give Crowley back his memories, but how?

“What now?” Crowley asked, bringing him back from his thoughts.

He didn’t know how long he was thinking, but he couldn’t leave Crowley alone while he was inside his own head.

“We should go to dinner, then to your flat to water the plants. After that, I’ll search my books. I have been rebuilding my collection105, there are some occult books that could help us.”

“You don’t know how to help me,” Crowley said flatly.

Aziraphale sighed. “Not yet, but I won’t give up. And, my dear, I believe that until we find out why exactly you were punished and under whose orders, then you should stay with me.”

Crowley laughed, uncomfortable. “Are you sssaying you’ll protect me?”

Aziraphale took Crowley’s hands and stared into his eyes, trying to project the most sincerity he could muster. “Yes, against Heaven and Hell. I promise I’ll protect you, no matter what.”

\---

Which was the moment Crowley’s brain exited the premisses, Crowley.exe crashed, Crowley’s soul left his body106.

Alright, so he was in love with an angel. And the feeling was apparently mutual107.

Then he really was in trouble.

“Crowley? Crowley? Are you listening to me?”

Crowley shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. He wanted to thank Aziraphale for protecting him like this, but then again, demon, that really wasn’t on brand. And he really wanted to kiss Aziraphale.

Heavens, that came as a surprise, but he desperately wanted to kiss Aziraphale, more than he wanted to have his memories back.

Well, he was fairly sure that they were together, even if for some reason Aziraphale didn’t want to tell him that. That was the only thing that could explain the way Aziraphale was acting around him. Even if he had his own flat and they apparently didn’t sleep together108, they had dates, they had that ‘Arrangement’ that sounded like a euphemism for something, and they had faced Heaven and Hell together.

The only conclusion he could think of was that they had danced around each other for a very long time, got together a thousand years ago109, and were either taking things slow from there, or still trying to keep appearances.

Still, it was safe to assume that after this long, their relationship involved kissing 110.

And kissing Aziraphale seemed like the best way to express what he was feeling and couldn’t put into words, not to mention it was a good way to regain some control of the situation.

So yes, kissing Aziraphale was the best course of action.

He hoped he still knew how to kiss, but maybe it was like sleeping, something that his body just knew how to do111.

Alright, no point in keeping just wondering. He was going to kiss Aziraphale now, and deal with the consequences later.

“Oh, did you hear that?” Aziraphale said, standing up. “I think someone is at the door, so rude, can’t they read the opening hours? I’ll go tell them to leave.”

And with that Aziraphale was out of the room, and Crowley had missed his chance. Blessed Heaven, he should have been quicker, or maybe never left Aziraphale’s lap.

\---

Normally, Aziraphale would have ignored the doorbell. Answering the door gave customers the wrong kind of ideas, like they could just come in and buy books. Even if he had books he didn’t mind selling now, old habits were hard to break, and he still disliked customers.

Still, he was afraid he was being rather… intense with Crowley, and was afraid of scaring the poor boy.

They never had much physical contact before, aside from extreme situations, and now Crowley had slept on his lap the entire night, metaphorically speaking since it happened during the day, and he had grabbed Crowley’s hands.

Seeing Crowley like this awakened something in him. He wasn’t just a soldier, but a guardian, and knowing that Hell had hurt Crowley and Aziraphale was unable to protect him made him want to go down to Hell and destroy every single demon there, cut them with his flaming sword to prove that fire could hurt demons. Then he wanted to come back and wrap Crowley with love and nurse him gently back to health. He contained multitudes.

He needed some distance, before he did something he might regret, such as confessing his undying love and immediately seeking vengeance against the entirety of Hell. At this point, it didn’t matter if Crowley didn’t love him back, couldn’t love him back113, that they had done this to his demon was enough. His love was unconditional and it knew no limits.

So he went to the door, hoping to calm himself enough to re-establish the distance between them.

He couldn’t tell Crowley anything now, that would be taking advantage of his condition, and that wouldn’t be a very angelical position to take. Seducing vulnerable people was certainly more of a demon’s job. Even if they weren’t strictly members of opposite sides anymore, Aziraphale liked to think that his actions were good by their very nature. So he was trying to navigate how to act around Crowley.

The only thing he didn’t expect, when opening the door, was to find Anathema Device, witch, standing there.

“You’re expecting114!” he said before he could think any better.

She rolled her eyes. “Yes, because that’s the most surprising thing about this. Here,” she handed him a letter, “from Agnes Nutter to you. Don’t get me involved.”

Then she left115.

Aziraphale kept staring at the street long after she left. Then he decided to read the letter.

It was only a small message, written in old parchment. There was nothing special about it, but somehow he knew it to be legitimely from Agnes Nutter, and knew it to be the answer to their problems.

He closed the door behind him and put on his reading glasses, not bothering to sit down.

_to anathema, doon not burn thys letter, it ys not for yow, gyve it to the angel who lyvs bytween the books_

_to the angel, nyther charm from heaven nor charm from hell may break the curse from hell, only charm of the hyumans may help. ask a child howe the pryncess may be saved, and ye will have youre answer. forget what ye were told and bylieve the hart of a serpent to be the same as the hart of an angel, only thanne may he return to yow_

He took off the glasses and very slowly put them back in his pocket. Then he cursed, loudly116. Why do prophecies always have to be so cryptic117?

\---

The day before, Anathema had stared at the letter, then at the old lady she was visiting, then at the letter again.

“How does she keep doing that?”

“Oh, I don’t know, this letter has been in my family for generations, apparently I’m a descendant of one of her neighbors, who wasn’t in town when everyone exploded, how odd is that?”

“At least she’s only using me for deliveries now, instead of sending me more prophecies118.”

\---

When Aziraphale went back to the room, Crowley was nowhere to be found, at least at first glance.

For one terrifying moment, he feared that Crowley had panicked and ran away. He shouldn’t have left him alone.

Finding a demon that didn’t want to be found would be hard under the best of circumstances, and much worse if he couldn’t even try to guess where Crowley was going based on what he knew of him.

He was about to go out looking for him when he saw the tip of a tail coming out from under the sofa.

Aziraphale sighed, relieved. At least Crowley was only hiding. He crouched next to the sofa.

“Crowley? It’s ok, I have good news.”

\---

Crowley was so mortified by the fact that he almost kissed Aziraphale that he felt himself melt unintentionally. The good thing about being a snake was that snakes didn’t blush.

He was a mix of old and new feelings119, and he didn’t know how to differentiate between the two. He was a demon for Someone’s sake! He shouldn’t feel like this, especially not because of an angel.

So when Aziraphale called him, he hissed in response. But still, he couldn’t spend the rest of eternity under a sofa. It was dirty in there.

He crawled from under the sofa, to the opposite side of where Aziraphale was, and returned to his human form. It was easier the second time, since he did it to himself, instead of someone else doing it to him.

Crowley jumped from the back of the sofa to sit on it.

“What good newsss?”

\---

Aziraphale handed Crowley the letter.

“It seems that I won’t need to find you a cure. Remember when I told you about the only accurate book of prophecies in history?”

Crowley squinted his eyes to read it, instinctively growing eyelids for exactly that purpose120.

“Ssso you know what thisss meansss?” he asked, raising his eyes from the letter.

“Well, no. But still, it will be fine. It says so in the letter. All we have to do is find a child that can save a princess. There are many princesses in Europe, some of them even have children121.”

“Find a princesss and a child, ssseemsss easssy. What do you sssupossse the part about heartsss meansss?”

“Oh, I’m sure we’ll figure it out. May I tempt you to dinner first?”

He was feeling a lot calmer now that they had the letter. If Agnes Nutter said things would be ok, then things would be ok. It was like this with the end of the world, what was a little loss of memory compared to that?

So he wanted to get back to something familiar, who could blame him for that?

“An angel tempting a demon?” Crowley teased, and for a moment, it was like having him back.

“Oh, it wouldn’t be the first time.”

He offered his hand to get Crowley up, and Crowley took it without a word122.

\---

Crowley felt uneasy among all these people, having to pretend he was human when he couldn’t remember what that was like.

At least now he had shades to hide his eyes. Aziraphale had miracled them for him before they left, and they felt natural on his face. He kept them on inside the restaurant without being told to. He felt safer with them.

“Do you want me to order for you?” Aziraphale offered, after Crowley had been staring at his menu for far too long, trying to remember what those foods were.

“I’m not sssure I even want to eat.”

What was hunger even supposed to feel like?

All he could identify feeling was that whole in his chest that existed whenever he wasn’t touching Aziraphale.

Aziraphale smiled at him. “Trust me, I know what you like.”

He was definitely being fucked by an angel123. Forget stopping the apocalypse, that had to be the reason why he was being punished. And for some reason, he didn’t mind that124.

“Alright, I’ll trussst you.”

“I knew you would.” Aziraphale signed the waiter.

“Mr. Fell, Mr. Crowley, I haven’t seen your car outside,” the waiter mentioned as he approached the table.

“Oh, we walked here. It is a lovely night, isn’t it?” Aziraphale said.

“Very romantic, _signore_. Special occasion?”

Aziraphale smiled. “Oh, you know how it is, any dinner with a proper company is special.”

“My husband always says that, he’s the romantic one. I am more practical, I say fancy restaurant is special. Are you ready to order?”

Crowley could have most of his files on humans missing, but he knew enough to be able to tell the waiter also thought they were a couple, and Aziraphale didn’t seem to mind125.

“I’ll have the _cappon magro_126, and he’ll have the _baccalà alla vincentina_127. Please bring us the chef’s recommendation of white.”

“Excellent choice, should I bring the wine first as usual?”

“If you would be so kind, thank you.”

When the waiter was gone, Crowley asked, “We come here often?”

“Whenever we’re in the mood for Italian. Or should I say, when I’m in the mood for Italian, you usually indulge my tastes.”

Crowley wanted to ask why Aziraphale refused to simply say they were a couple when it was so obvious, but he didn’t want to push things.

The waiter brought the wine and left, and Crowley still didn’t know what to say.

“Thisss feelsss like an awkward firssst date,” he said, for lack of something better. Maybe things would be less awkward if he acknowledged how awkward they were.

“How does that work? You didn’t understand me when I first found you, but you know what a date is?” Aziraphale said, and Crowley couldn’t help but notice he didn’t deny it was a date.

Crowley shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t think everything isss gone, maybe sssome thingsss are just lossst.”

“It is a fascinating curse. Of course I would prefer to observe it on someone else.”

“Good to know you don’t actually want to sssee me cursssed.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I’m not sssure I do, what are we?”

Aziraphale froze with his glass half way to his mouth.

“I’m not sure I understand what _you_ mean. I told you, I’m an angel, you’re a demon, and we are allies against Heaven and Hell. Although for the most part we haven’t done anything to fight either side. They left us alone and we did the same, until your curse.”

It wasn’t what Crowley had asked, and he knew that Aziraphale knew that. But he would let the angel keep playing that game for now. Even if that made him wonder how an angel could be such a bastard.

\---

Aziraphale shouldn’t feel guilty, because he wasn’t doing anything wrong. In fact, he was doing the right thing by treating Crowley like he usually did. Even if that meant he was putting ideas in Crowley’s head that he didn’t want to confront just yet.

Would it be selfish to grow those ideas in the hopes that when Crowley recovered his memory, he might realize that Aziraphale wished for a romantic relationship between them, even if he didn’t think Crowley was capable of such love? Of course it would be, but this wasn’t what was happening.

He was just trying to jog Crowley’s memories by acting the same way as usual, and show that he wouldn’t treat Crowley differently because he didn’t have memories. That was it. The most noble thing to do, really.

And if he was ignoring Crowley’s more direct confrontations, it was just because it would be difficult to define the dept of their friendship.

“You know what I think? Thisss curssse hasss nothing to do with what we did, defying Heaven and Hell and all of that. It wasss jussst a missstake. They wouldn’t jussst take my memory if it wasss about treassson. They would destroy me.”

Of course Crowley had to be this perceptive128.

“I was thinking about that too. Well, I thought it could be an enemy of yours, but you said the demon was a she. Are you sure about that? Can you remember anything else about her?”

“She wasss a rat? Eating her crosssed my mind129.”

Aziraphale decided not to think about Crowley swallowing another demon whole. He wasn’t even sure what the consequences of that would be, and he didn’t want to know130.

“I can’t think of any rat demons that would hate you, but I always had a feeling you had more enemies than friends in Hell.”

“Wasss I that bad at my job?”

“No, actually you were great. Great at taking credit, at least. You received a lot of commendations for things that humans did all by themselves. Which isn’t to say you couldn’t do things yourself, you have done amazing things by yourself, but they were more of the inconvenience kind. On a very large scale and hard to accomplish, but still more annoying than evil.”

Well, actually neither one of them were particularly good at their jobs, and Crowley had stopped quite a bit of evil over the millennia, even if he would never admit to that, but Aziraphale figured that he didn’t need to be told that.

No one would wish to hear from their former enemy and current ally that they were actually incompetent. And besides, Aziraphale wondered if deep down he wasn’t more incompetent than Crowley. Not that he would ever admit it131.

“Great, now I’ve made an angel validate my work asss a demon. I didn’t think I could feel worssse.”

It wasn’t his fault, no one should leave Aziraphale in charge of comfort words.

“Oh, I think that’s our food coming. You’re going to love this, the first time you had it, you had it, you said it was a pleasant surprise.”

\---

91It did something uncomfortable to Crowley’s general chest area, but not necessarily in an unpleasant way.[return to text]

92He didn’t need his memories to know that rubbing one’s face to someone else’s crotch wasn’t the best to push away the _implications_ that his mind had gone to.[return to text]

93From what he remembered, angels didn’t touch much, but things could have changed since he left.[return to text]

94Language exists at an odd intersection of knowledge and muscle memory. At the moment, he had both, but lacked the finer intricacies of connecting them.[return to text]

95He didn’t know how to interpret his own feelings, they were very confusing.[return to text]

96It should be noted here that, although all of Crowley’s actual memories from the past six thousand years were gone, not all of his knowledge was. Much like deleting a file on a computer simply means to do away with the pathway that allows the information to be reached, with files needing to be overwritten multiple times before being truly gone, Crowley still had most of his knowledge of the world, completely disconnected from any memories. The only problem was, without memories, he didn’t have a proper attachment to the knowledge, or a way of accessing it reliably. So now, in searching his brain for a way to describe what he was feeling, the information on a demonic brochure on fomenting adultery came to light, even if he couldn’t remember the actual brochure, or where the information had come from.[return to text]

97It was both, for different reasons.[return to text]

98It was a touchy subject, since that one prank incident that they didn’t mention, when Crowley successfully convinced Aziraphale that he had birthed a small den of snakes. In his defense, Aziraphale was being a bastard and it was the only way that Crowley could think of winning that particular discussion.[return to text]

99Aziraphale decided it wasn’t necessary to mention that this was entirely accidental.[return to text]

100It was a particular type of anxiety that existed at the intersection of ‘left the stove on’ and ‘left the baby in the car’, but it was at the lowest end at that spectrum, that went all the way up to ‘left the baby in the stove and turned it on’.[return to text]

101This was transmitted to his brain, rather than said in English, since that demon didn’t speak English, so he had been able to understand it even on that form. Aziraphale could have done the same to communicate with him, he just hadn’t realized that he could do it, and it had been a very long time since the last time he used it.[return to text]

102It wasn’t the first time that the idea that his conscience would stop existing without his actual existence being terminated was tempting, but he didn’t remember most of the others. The ones that he did were too painful to think about.[return to text]

103He figured such demons existed, but he didn’t know all that many demons.[return to text]

104Both Hell and Heaven relied considerably on intimidation to prevent the need for actual punishments.[return to text]

105It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate what Adam had done, rebuilding his bookshop. In fact, he quite like having books that he wouldn’t mind seeing sold. But he missed the books he wanted to have, books he enjoyed reading. So he had been building a private collection, that he kept on the back. Similar to what he had before, subversive books, prophecies, the bibles filled with errors, queer literature, and some occult books. Anything that caught his interest, really. Which was mostly things that an angel wasn’t supposed to have.[return to text]

106Almost literally, but it did manage to hang on around the edges.[return to text]

107Curiously enough, without his memories Crowley was almost able to reach the right conclusions. He was in love with Aziraphale before losing his memories, and was starting to fall for him even now, embarrassingly quickly. And Aziraphale was in love with him. The only problem was that now Crowley believed that the reciprocity of those feelings was mutually known before he lost his memories, which it wasn’t. That would cause some trouble soon enough.[return to text]

108He wondered if he should have asked about sex, but he wasn’t sure if he liked sex, and he was even less sure if he wanted to discover the answer. This memory thing was complicated, more things were coming to him, but it was hard to make sense of knowledge without context. He wasn’t even entirely sure angels and demons could have sex. With one another, that was. He knew demons could have sex with each other, even if he had never indulged. He didn’t need his memories from the last six thousand years to know that this was still true. He really didn’t care for other demons, and the idea of having sex with any of them was absolutely disgusting.[return to text]

109And really, he wanted to have some words with his past self, because ‘Arrangement’ sounded like a terrible euphemism for a very practical affair, not a secret relationship that defied Heaven and Hell.[return to text]

110It was a relatively safe guess, because it should have. It was still a wrong guess, but pretty safe all things considered.[return to text]

111It wasn’t, not exactly, at least not with this particular tongue. Mostly because he had never tried it, not properly at least, unless a forked human tongue counted. He had kissed people, occasionally. Even Aziraphale, at times when it was the most usual greeting between male friends, although never involving any type of tongue. But there was a difference between touching lips with someone, or even adding some tongue restricted by what a human would accept, and taking full advantage of his dexterous fully serpentine demonic tongue112. Though he would probably be an amazing kisser with a serpent tongue, or any tongue really, after being given a couple tries to practice.[return to text]

112Aziraphale hadn’t focused enough on his tongue to change it too, mostly because Crowley often changed it, and Aziraphale had been panicking.[return to text]

113Yes, he still believed that. As already established, even incredibly intelligent angels could be, for lack of a better word, dumbasses.[return to text]

114Have you ever heard the saying “it only takes once”? Unfortunately for Anathema, that was true. Or maybe fortunately, because Agnes wanted her line to continue, and by now Anathema knew she wanted to never sleep with a man again, so that one time served its double function well enough. There was a story there, but not this one, so we won’t talk about it anymore.[return to text]

115She didn’t want to have anything else to do with prophecies, but still, she figured passing along a letter might not be so bad. That pair had helped save the world, after all.[return to text]

116After having the satisfaction of saying ‘fuck’ once, it was hard not to do it again.[return to text]

117Any person who wasn’t so oblivious might have realized that the prophecy was in fact quite clear, especially aimed at someone how presumably read a lot.[return to text]

118Agnes Nutter was well aware that Anathema had no interest in any more prophecies, which was why the second book of prophecies was blank, except for the first page. She just wanted Anathema to know that living without knowing the future was her own choice. At the same time, she also wanted to reward the creatures that had helped make sure the world would continue existing for her to have more descendants in it.[return to text]

119He shouldn’t have access to his old feelings, but they were getting through by attaching themselves to the new ones.[return to text]

120He actually liked reading, but his eyes weren’t made for it.[return to text]

121Oh, dear, how can you be this wrong?[return to text]

122Because he was wondering if there was a non-offensive way to ask if the angel had fucked him.[return to text]

123Hell doesn’t do loving relationships, despite demons being capable of love, so he didn’t have much of a frame of reference.[return to text]

124Well, he didn’t mind being punished for his relationship with the angel. He wasn’t entirely sure what he thought about the idea of the angel fucking him. He had to stop thinking about these things.[return to text]

125Although Crowley couldn’t remember that, it was somewhat of a joke between them. Or rather, Aziraphale thought it was amusing, Crowley tried not to feel hurt by the fact Aziraphale thought it was amusing, and Aziraphale never noticed that.[return to text]

126If Crowley had been himself, he would have teased Aziraphale, saying that he just enjoyed how elaborate the presentation was.[return to text]

127Crowley had once said that he wished he could have again the surprise of not knowing it was a mostly sweet dish, Aziraphale figured a memory loss was as good an opportunity as any.[return to text]

128He was even more perceptive without his memories. His anxiety sometimes got in the way of his perception.[return to text]

129Something about losing most of his memories and being returned to his snake body awoken something very primal in him.[return to text]

130He _really_ didn’t want to know. Before losing his memory, Crowley had a vague idea and regretted knowing even that.[return to text]

131It should be noted that Aziraphale wasn’t always entirely aware of the larger scale effects of things that Crowley did. Oh, Crowley was perfectly clear when he said that he was increasing negative feelings by being inconvenient and that in turn caused people to act evil, but Aziraphale was never entirely convinced by that, even though it was true. So he was less incompetent and more very particular about how he did things. On the other hand, Aziraphale was also less incompetent and more just not that interested in doing his job when there were better uses of his time.[return to text]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I thought this story would take place over the course of weeks, I had a whole subplot for Anathema, but unfortunately that ended up being cut.
> 
> Can you tell that I don't know anything about fancy food? I literally googled 'fancy dishes' and tried to find something I thought they could eat, and it's fish because, well, snakes eat fish.
> 
> So Aziraphale knows exactly what he's doing to poor amnesiac Crowley and still does it, that's what I call a bastard. Can you tell where this is going?


	4. Wrong conclusions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has some content that might be upsetting, as per the first beginning note of this story. There's a warning at the end notes with very specific spoilers, and also instructions for how to skip this scene or certain parts of it.

Crowley wondered if their real first date had been as bad as this. Maybe not, after all, at least then both knew each other, instead of this strange mix of old married couple and blind date. And Crowley didn’t even want to know how he knew what those things were, but didn’t know what to order in a restaurant132.

They didn’t talk much during dinner, nor during the ride to his flat. There was an odd tension in the air, caused by all the wrong things they said.

Crowley wished they had ordered more than just the one bottle of wine, because this seemed like the kind of situation that would be easier dealt drunk, but Aziraphale was vehemently against it, saying even one was more than it would be responsible133.

The cab ride was the worst. It felt wrong, being driven by someone else, but he didn’t know that was why he felt wrong. He couldn’t remember the independence he felt driving, as if he could control his destiny as easily as he could the Bentley134.

As he was opening the door to his flat135, he heard an old lady, spying from the door to the stairs, try to whisper136 to someone unseen behind her, “Linda, I was right, he’s coming home with the sugar daddy.”

Every demonic instinct of his begged him to ask Aziraphale what a sugar daddy was, even if he was entirely aware137. For once in his life, he remembered that his actions affected him as well, and decided that he wanted to embarrass Aziraphale less than he wanted to avoid being embarrassed.

So neither of them said anything, and just got inside the flat.

“So, plantsss?” Crowley asked lamely. Not only this was the worst first date ever, it was also the worst ‘let’s go back to mine’ ever.

“Oh, I think they are on the right? I haven’t come here much. Well, a couple times, but not inside138.”

“All thisss time and I never invited you in?”

“We usually stay at the bookshop, and since you have a car, you are always the one picking me up and dropping me off.”

“Oh, I sssee, no walk of ssshame for a dignified angel.” Alright, he couldn’t help that one.

“Crowley! I assure you I have never done a ‘walk of shame’ in my entire existence139!”

Crowley shuckled, worth it.

He wandered around the flat for a bit. It was small enough to be easy to find his way around, although perhaps ‘small’ wasn’t the right word. It was spacious, but minimalist, and it had a slightly artificial air of a demonstration flat. A living room, a kitchen, an office, a bedroom suite and a greenhouse. The greenhouse and the bedroom were the only places that seemed like they were ever used140.

“My car wasss the antique outssside, wasssn’t it?” he asked, making his way to the greenhouse. He had stared at the car fondly, even if he couldn’t remember it. Looking at it almost brought back memories.

Aziraphale didn’t follow him, staying just a few steps past the door141.

“Yes, that’s the Bentley, it’s good to know that it’s safely parked there. I’m surprised you don’t remember it, even with your memory loss. You love that car more than anything in the world, except maybe for the world itself. And even then it’s a tight competition”

That seemed fair enough, he could sense that there was something underneath the surface when he saw the car, a sort of bond that he couldn’t identify.

Still, he doubted what he loved the most in the world was a car. After all, when his memories were taken from him, it wasn’t a car that he sought, not at all. Even if he didn’t know that was what he was doing, he had moved towards the angel.

Which warranted a change of subject.

“Can we fly? I can’t remember if we can fly,” he shouted so Aziraphale would hear him, grabbing the watering can and starting to move it randomly in the air, too tense to absentmindedly do it properly.

The air was too dense for flying in Hell, Earth’s by comparison, even the polluted air of London, was fresh and light. He wondered what it would feel like, just spreading his wings and moving up without a destiny, and then allowing himself to fall back to Earth.

“You mean with our wings? It’s hard, carrying around our corporations. Not impossible, just very tiring, considerably more than walking. You have preferred to drive since cars were invented.”

“You don’t?”

Very little of the water was reaching the plants, which were less confused by that than they were by not being yelled at. They wondered if the company improved their master’s humor.

“I never cared to learn, and I think you drive too recklessly.”

“But you ride with me when we go out.”

“I have been able to convince you to drive a little more carefully since you ran over that poor witch142.”

“Ssspeaking of the witch, any thoughtsss on the letter?”

He could hear Aziraphale’s sigh from there.

“Knowing Agnes Nutter, it will probably be what we least expect. It’s funny, supposedly she only saw the future, so she shouldn’t be able to influence it to this degree. But that’s not what it seems like.”

“Can the other witch help usss? What wasss her name, Anathema?”

“She doesn’t want anything to do with this, unfortunately. We should get back to the bookshop, I can make some calls, try to find the child of a princess.”

Crowley left the greenhouse. “Can I drive144?”

\---

Aziraphale, who didn’t trust Crowley’s driving under the best circumstances, didn’t let him anywhere near the car.

So instead they took another cab, even though finding a cab took longer than walking would have145.

The silence between them was loaded, and Aziraphale didn’t know how to alleviate things. Sometimes, when they were talking, it was almost as if he had his Crowley back, but then he would say the wrong thing, or Crowley would ask the wrong question, and the spell would be broken.

They settled at the bookshop so Aziraphale could start his quest to find the princess.

He should just tell Crowley that they weren’t a couple, that they weren’t dating, that they had never been involved in this way. But Crowley seemed to trust him more now that he thought they were together, and really, it was the simplest way to explain things.

The real reason they were the way they were around each other would be impossible to explain to someone who hadn’t seen those six thousand years, and if he had said that Crowley only wanted to save the planet because he loved living in it, and that it didn’t have anything to do with Aziraphale146, maybe he would leave now. What cause would he have to stay by Aziraphale’s side?

The hours passed them quickly by, and as they did, despair began to settle.

“I called every single princess I could find147, including the ones that still don’t have children, and no one replied to my question of how a child could save a princess148.”

“Are you sssure thisss isss what ssshe meant?”

“What else could it be?”

“Maybe we ssshould asssk a random child. Of the non-royal variety.”

That was actually a brilliant idea. The way that prophecies usually worked, if he asked any child, it would probably be the right child149.

“That’s not a bad idea. Adam’s number changed by itself after he stopped being the antichrist, but maybe Ms. Device would be willing to ask him for us150.”

\---

Anathema didn’t have the gift to see into the future, but she did have caller id151.

“Don’t get me involved,” she said, before hanging up the phone, not giving Aziraphale a chance to speak.

The last thing she needed was to be involved with a curse from Hell, whatever it was. And besides, she had a baby on the way now, she had to be careful with those things. You never know when you might end up promising your first born to an occult creature.

\---

“Let me guesss, ssshe didn’t want to help?” Crowley said.

He was laying on the sofa, on his stomach, watching Aziraphale on the phone, as he had been for the past few hours. He liked watching him like this, there was a domesticity to it. He wondered if they often did this. Not him watching Aziraphale on the phone, not exactly, but maybe watching him work152.

“She didn’t even listen to me. I do think the poor girl had too much on her plate, with her role in stopping the apocalypse. I suppose it’s natural she doesn’t want to get involved in this.”

“It’sss a curssse from Hell. No one with a drop of good sssenssse would want to get involved in thisss. I don’t want to be involved either.”

“I know that, my dear, but don’t worry, we’ll find a child to give us the answer.”

“A ssshame we can’t jussst go out on the ssstreet a find any child.”

“It might catch the wrong kind of attention.”

“Two queer men approaching children on the ssstreet? They would call the coppersss.”

Aziraphale gagged on thin air, and tried to disguise it with a cough. “Yes, we are a rather _odd_153 pair, aren’t we?”

Crowley smiled, satisfied that he had caught Aziraphale. If the angel could be cryptic about their relationship, then he could tease him a little bit about it. It was the least he deserved for not answering Crowley’s questions.

But even that wasn’t enough to properly improve his mood.

“And we might stay that way, if you don’t find a way to fix me.” An odd pair, that was, not quite matched.

“We’ll find a solution, my dear boy. It’s only been three days154.”

Crowley lowered his eyes, even though Aziraphale couldn’t see them155.

“Do you misss him? I mean, me. The me who remembersss you.”

He shouldn’t ask that. He didn’t want to know the answer. What was the point? Of course the angel preferred to have the demon he knew, not the one with amnesia that only half knew how the world worked.

Blessed Heaven, how did it hurt, loving someone who loved the wrong version of him.

Aziraphale came to the sofa and knelt in front of Crowley.

“You are still you. Even if you never remember me, you will still be my… best friend. I don’t have to miss you, because you are still right here. After everything we faced together, I’m not willing to let a little memory loss get in our way.”

Crowley had to concentrate not to turn into a snake again, because he felt like melting.

Aziraphale couldn’t judge him for a little teasing, when he went around talking like that. It was like he was purposefully trying to seduce Crowley.

Crowley wanted to remember, not only because this was his life, but because he wanted to know what he did to make Aziraphale love him like this.

Of course, his life was important, but what were six thousand years in the grand scheme of things? He could live them again. This love though, this love was unexpected.

It wasn’t that Crowley didn’t think he deserved it. Even without everything he learnt from humans, he still didn’t think that being a demon meant he couldn’t love, or couldn’t be loved.

Sure, a demon was by definition cut off from God’s love, but that was, for lack of a better expression, the shittiest kind of love. It was the most conditional form of love, that demanded that everyone acted exactly right. He was never bad, not really, but hanging out with the wrong crowd and asking questions was enough to lose that love.

So really, God could keep it. If God couldn’t love him the way he was, then he didn’t want God to love him, he would never change, not for anyone.

But God’s love was far from being the only type there was.

And Crowley still believed in unconditional love, even after falling.

So, if the best kinds of love had nothing to do with God, then falling wasn’t in the way of him feeling that, or having someone else feel that for him. It was something that he had never discussed with Aziraphale, although he couldn’t remember any of that now. Aziraphale still thought that angels were beings of love, and that demons were the opposite of it, and he never knew how to tell Aziraphale that he was wrong.

Because as long as it was an assumption, based on prejudices from Heaven, Crowley could tolerate the fact that Aziraphale thought he wasn’t capable of understanding love. But if Crowley told him the truth and Aziraphale didn’t believe him, then... he wouldn’t be able to stand it.

Of course, Crowley didn’t know any of that now, not consciously at least, it was all just beneath the surface. Except for the fact that he believed in love, and believed he was capable of love, because that came with him before he first rose to Earth.

He knew just enough to know that he loved Aziraphale, and to be sure that Aziraphale loved him in return, but not enough to know that Aziraphale wouldn’t believe his feelings. It was a very dangerous combination.

“I promissse I’ll remember you, even if we can’t break the curssse, I’ll find a way to remember you.”

Aziraphale’s smile was sad, like he didn’t believe him.

Crowley closed his eyes, trying as hard as he could to believe that he could remember. This was reality, after all, there was so much he could change about reality as long as he believed hard enough. He didn’t need everything, but he needed to remember Aziraphale, just that.

Anything, he would accept anything of Aziraphale, even a single memory would be enough, something that he could tell Aziraphale to prove his disposition.

Still, it didn’t work. Like Agnes Nutter had said, miracles from Heaven or Hell couldn’t work on this curse. It was a curse that could only be broken the human way, whatever that meant.

Crowley sat up on the sofa, then patted on the space next to him. “Sssit with me,” he told Aziraphale.

So maybe he couldn’t remember what they had, but that didn’t mean that he had to keep himself at distance from Aziraphale.

Even if his memories weren’t there, his feelings were, and some of them seemed to be from before he had lost those memories, even if he didn’t know which ones. It didn’t matter, they were one and the same. Love, just pure unconditional love.

He could still give Aziraphale what they had, even if he didn’t have any memories. Crowley could still be _his_.

Aziraphale sat, eyeing him curiously. How did he love the way Aziraphale looked at him, it was no wonder he trusted him from the start, or almost from the start, when Aziraphale looked at him with such tenderness, such love.

And he was suffering, Crowley could see that he was suffering. No matter what he said, he had to miss the real Crowley. The Crowley that would know how to make him feel better, that would know what to say, how to comfort him.

Knowing that he was causing Aziraphale’s pain hurt Crowley as well. This was his fault, if he hadn’t been cursed, they wouldn’t be going through this now.

He had to make it up to Aziraphale and the only way he could think of was giving him back his… husband? Boyfriend? Eternal life partner? This would be easier if Aziraphale hadn’t so adamantly refused to define them to him, if Aziraphale just told him how to comfort him.

If Aziraphale would just ask, Crowley would give him anything, he just had to know how.

But since Aziraphale didn’t say anything, Crowley was left to guess what he could do.

So he would give himself back to Aziraphale, or at least the illusion of it. How hard could it be, acting like his… partner or something? Perhaps the demon disguised as a lover analogy made sense, after all.

Like performing a temptation, all he would have to do was give Aziraphale an opening to take whatever he wanted. Crowley wouldn’t even have to know what he wanted.

“My dear, I need to tell you that…” Aziraphale started.

But Crowley didn’t want any more of that. He didn’t want to be reminded that he needed fixing, and that there was a chance that he wouldn’t get back all that he lost. He wanted to comfort Aziraphale and stop feeling so blessed guilty about all of this.

So he placed a hand on Aziraphale’s cheek, and that was enough to make him stop talking. He really did hope that his assumptions were right, otherwise embarrassing wouldn’t begin to describe this.

Anxiety puddled on the pit of his stomach, but he couldn’t back away, he had made Aziraphale feel like this, so he had to fix it.

Crowley closed his eyes behind the shades and hoped that his body knew what it was doing. His first touch was shy, tentative, lips barely brushing, but Aziraphale didn’t push away. So he moved his hand to the back of Aziraphale’s neck and pulled him closer, sucking on his bottom lip.

Aziraphale parted his lips slightly, letting out a startled sound, and Crowley used the opportunity to deepen the kiss. He didn’t know what to do with his tongue, it would be easier if it were human, but he couldn’t concentrate enough to change his body now.

He had to be right, his assumptions had to be right, because this _felt_ right, as much as his human form and his chosen name, it felt _right_.

And Aziraphale had moved to touch him as well, an arm around his back pulling him closer, a hand tenderly on his neck.

This was it, this was what he could do for Aziraphale, this was the comfort that he could give him.

He laid down, pulling Azirapahle on top of him. Alarm bells started going off inside his head, kissing had felt amazing but this… a wave of panic washed over him, and he did his best to ignore it.

They were sleeping together, weren’t they156? They had to have done that before, so why did he feel like this?

He enjoyed kissing Aziraphale and wanted to keep doing that, he felt as if his place was in Aziraphale’s arms, kissing him, but the idea of having sex with him filled Crowley with dread.

He did his best to push his discomfort aside. He wasn’t doing this for himself, he was trying to comfort Aziraphale with something familiar. Maybe he just wasn’t used to this body enough yet, or maybe it was because Aziraphale knew his body more than he did.

He grabbed Aziraphale’s coat with his free hand to stop it from shaking. This was his body, he had mastery over it, and it would behave as he wanted, not based on some discomfort he couldn’t shake. He had made up his mind, he would do this for Aziraphale.

Crowley put a leg around Aziraphale’s waist and pulled him closer. For him, Crowley could ignore that mix of panic, anxiety and nausea that threatened to overwhelm him. He could do it, if he focused enough on exorcizing these sensations from his body.

He was a demon! A demon shouldn’t be afraid of sex or whatever it was that was happening157. All he had to do was let Aziraphale take the lead and let him have his way with Crowley’s body. How bad could that be?

He could focus on all the good parts that he liked. The kiss, the warmth of Aziraphale’s body, its solid presence that grounded him, the tender touches. If he could focus on just that, then maybe everything would be alright.

\---

He wanted to comfort Crowley, to assure him that everything would be ok, but he didn’t know what to tell him to make him feel better. He had hoped Anathema would help, but when she didn’t, for a moment he allowed himself to fear that they would never recover Crowley’s memories.

Even if that was the case, Aziraphale would never leave him, but he didn’t know how they could deal with this.

Then Crowley was feeling guilty about it, as if it had been his fault, as if he had let Aziraphale down somehow, and Aziraphale couldn’t let this stand.

His anxieties were his own, he couldn’t let Crowley suffer because of them.

He needed to say something to make Crowley feel better, but then Crowley’s hand was on his cheek and Crowley’s lips were on his, and then he was, oh, that felt so nice his brain decided to take a little vacation and leave the thinking for another time.

He had thought about kissing Crowley before, but never enough to imagine what it would feel like, and even if he had, nothing could have prepared him for this.

He felt loved, in an almost overwhelming way, and he had to be projecting, he had to be sensing his own feelings and projecting them onto Crowley, but it still felt _amazing_. It felt like being flooded with pure love.

Except it couldn’t be, Crowley couldn’t love him158. Demons were by definition cut off from God’s love and so they were unable to feel love themselves, it was just how things were, it wasn’t Crowley’s fault, and he wasn’t lesser for it. Aziraphale had learnt to accept that a long time ago.

He had to stop this, but he couldn’t concentrate with Crowley’s forked tongue moving inside his mouth, leaving no doubt of who he was with.

How many times he had wished for exactly that, while they were dinning some place particularly romantic, or drinking at his place. How many times he had wished that Crowley would kiss him just like this, that he would make him feel loved just like this.

And now he had it and it wasn’t real.

Crowley was a demon, and he couldn’t even remember him. He couldn’t love him.

Aziraphale had to stop this before they crossed a line that they would both regret once Crowley got his memories back.

Crowley laid down and pulled Aziraphale on top of him, grabbing at his coat and circling Aziraphale’s waist with his leg.

And finally things made sense159. It was lust, nothing but lust. Aziraphale wondered if Crowley had felt that before, but controlled himself in the name of their friendship.

Now Aziraphale had to be the one to keep things under control. Nothing that Crowley did while he was cursed could jeopardize their friendship, he wasn’t responsible for his actions, but Aziraphale was responsible for his, and he was the one who would ruin things if he allowed this to go any further.

He forced himself to push away.

\---

Aziraphale pushed himself away, his breath heavy  
160.

“No, wait, I can’t… I can’t do this to you,” he said, not opening his eyes161.

Crowley felt so relieved about the sex that it took him a moment to be disappointed about the lack of kissing. He wondered if they could go back to just the kissing. He could spend the rest of eternity lazily stretched on the sofa, kissing Aziraphale.

“Worried you’re taking advantage of me?” he teased, trying for cool but landing somewhere in the neighborhood of freaking out.

Aziraphale opened his eyes. “I _am_. Crowley, you don’t even know who you are. I should be helping you, not…”

Oh, no. He made Aziraphale feel worse. That was the exact opposite of what he was trying to do. He had to fix this.

“What’sss the problem? It’sss not like we’ve never done that before, right? We’re together, what differencsse doesss it make if I don’t remember it?”

He wanted to beg Aziraphale to explain their relationship to him, but this was the closest he could get. He needed to know what he was doing wrong.

“No, that’s…” he pressed his eyes like the very words pained him, “that’s the problem. We _aren’t_. We were never together, and I shouldn’t have let you think that we were. We never kissed before162, and I let myself get carried away. You’re my best friend, but that’s it, we’re not a couple. We never were.”

Of all the things that Aziraphale could have told him, that made the least amount of sense. Why else would Aziraphale act this way around him? Why would Crowley had defied everything to stay with him?

If they weren’t in love, if they weren’t together, then there was only one possibility, and Crowley didn’t dare to entertain it. Because if they weren’t in love, if Crowley had acted like this for so long with this angel and didn’t love him, then he had to be trying to tempt him into falling163, and Crowley didn’t want to believe that he was capable of that, especially not against someone like Aziraphale. No, his care, his love, had to be genuine, he need his love to be real.

He couldn’t be someone who would fein friendship to land causing an angel to fall, he couldn’t be this kind of demon.

“No, I… the waiter and my neighbor, they knew about usss. You told me about datesss and the Arrangement, I thought…”

“The Arrangement was an alliance, nothing more. I shouldn’t have allowed you or them to think that we were together, but I have loved you for so long that at times it felt good to pretend that this could be real.”

Aziraphale loved him. He was right, Aziraphale loved him, and he loved Aziraphale, so what was the problem?

“But it can, it felt real for me!”

“That’s because you don’t know, you don’t remember…”

He didn’t care about what he didn’t remember, not when he was so sure of his love.

“I know how I feel about you! I know that I…”

“You feel _lust_ , of course you do, you are a _demon_. You can’t love, you can’t understand love, you were cut off from God’s love, so it’s not your fault that you don’t know they aren’t the same thing, but I’m an _angel_ , I can’t do this, I can’t pretend this is enough.”

If Aziraphale had slapped him, it would have hurt less.

Heavens, if he had thrown Crowley in Holy Water that would have hurt less.

Crowley was frozen in place, he couldn’t say a word in his defense, even if he knew that wasn’t true.

He didn’t feel lust, he didn’t even have sexual desire, and although not all desire is lust, you can’t have lust without desire. He was a tempter, if there was one thing he understood, it was desire. He wanted to explain that, explain that he wasn’t capable of lusting after Aziraphale, that he loved him, and that he was sorry he misread the situation, that he was just trying to comfort Aziraphale.

He didn’t even want to have sex with Aziraphale, Crowley was trying to give him what he thought he wanted, and now Aziraphale was using that against him. It wasn’t fair, and Crowley was used to things not being fair, but this was...

He loved Aziraphale, that had nothing to do with lust or sex, how could he not see that?

Crowley couldn’t force his voice to obey him. He was grateful that he hadn’t removed his shades, because he wouldn’t be able to stand Aziraphale’s unfiltered gaze now.

After everything, Aziraphale didn’t believe he was capable of love, didn’t believe that Crowley could even tell the difference between love and lust. After everything, Aziraphale still believed that love was the prerogative of angels, and that demons were removed from it.

If Aziraphale had told him he wanted to go back to the army of Heaven it would have been easier to accept, because this was such a deep misunderstanding of everything that Crowley was.

Crowley loved, and he didn’t need memories to know that he loved. He loved a car he couldn’t even remember driving now, and he loved the plants that he didn’t know he was supposed to yell at, and he loved the Earth, he loved humanity, he loved those curious little creatures that always came up with the most brilliant inventions, he loved being there. And he loved Aziraphale, he loved Aziraphale with only forty-eight hours of memories of him, and he knew he had loved him before.

Aziraphale was the only person who couldn’t accept that. Somehow, that was a worse punishment than anything Hell could do to him.

\---

He couldn’t believe that he had done that, confessed his love for Crowley like this, when Crowley wasn’t even himself.

And the worst part was that Crowley didn’t even know the difference, didn’t even know that what Aziraphale felt for him was so different from what Crowley felt164.

It was all his fault, he knew what he was doing, he knew what kind of ideas he was putting on Crowley’s head. It would have been easy to tell him earlier that they had never been involved, that going along when people assumed they were a couple was a little joke between them.

He knew what he was doing, but he couldn’t stop himself, it felt too good to pretend that they were together, that he could have this, and now he had to pay the price.

Was it worth it? Just to have Crowley thinking of him like a lover? He betrayed their friendship and hurt Crowley, even if he didn’t mean to, all so that he could play pretend for a couple of days, have a taste of something that he knew he couldn’t have.

Aziraphale wished he could just go back, if he could turn back fifteen minutes into the past then he wouldn’t have to have this conversation. He wouldn’t have to know what it felt like to kiss Crowley but have to admit that they couldn’t be together, that this would never work.

He didn’t blame Crowley for this, he hadn’t meant his tone to be accusatory, but in a way it was. They each couldn’t help their nature, their friendship only worked because they both could admit that.

“I’m sorry, I haven’t meant to be so blunt. I’m just trying to prevent the both of us from doing something that we might regret. I don’t doubt that you care about me, but love is simply something that is beyond your understanding.”

\---

Crowley wasn’t even listening to him anymore. Aziraphale kept talking, trying to convince that what he said wasn’t as bad as it sounded, but Crowley couldn’t take that.

He couldn’t stand to hear another word.

How dare Aziraphale do this to him? It would be one thing if Aziraphale didn’t love him, or if he simply didn’t want to pursue a relationship, but this was different. Aziraphale could even deny his own love if he wanted, that was his prerogative, but he had no right to deny Crowley’s love, no right to deny that he could love.

Not after everything, not after they faced Heaven and Hell together. Crowley didn’t need his memories to know that he had already proven that he was capable of love.

He wished he could hate Aziraphale, that he could just hate him for doing this to him, for his holier than thou attitude, for still thinking that there was any difference between Heaven and Hell after everything they saw, for still thinking angels were any better than demons when he knew they were the same.

But he couldn’t, even now he couldn’t feel anything besides love for Aziraphale, and that hurt even more.

He had to leave. He couldn’t stand to be there, hearing Aziraphale be such a condescending prick.

He wanted to run out the door, but Aziraphale was in his way, and he couldn’t bring himself to just push him away, he wouldn’t dare to touch him now.

Aziraphale kept talking and talking and talking and he had to leave.

He needed to be anywhere else, he didn’t care where, even Hell would be better.

Crowley heard his wings opening rather than felt them, and just like that, he was gone.

\---

132That was because what he felt like eating a big fat rat, probably because of some latent anger against the demon who cursed him, but of course he couldn’t find that on the menu, and he couldn’t recognize that it was the taste that he wanted to have, even though he recognized earlier that he wanted to eat her. He hadn’t had a rat in four thousand years or so, so it was hard to recognize the craving. Also, the entire menu was in Italian, and he didn’t think to absorb an entire second language just to order some fish, which wasn’t even close to the right taste he craved.[return to text]

133Aziraphale hadn’t meant to order alcohol at all, but old habits were hard to break.[return to text]

134Which, to be fair, meant not all that much. The Bentley had a mind of its own, which saved him from crashing far too many times to count.[return to text]

135If you think it opened without a key because he forgot about keys and didn’t expect to need one, you would be wrong. He remembered keys were a thing, but he never much bothered with them. His flat knew better than to open to someone else. Except for Aziraphale, maybe. If he asked nicely. The flat itself hoped that they would stop dancing around each other, because the tension was tiring.[return to text]

136She was going a bit deaf, so it wasn’t much of a whisper, but rather something closer to a shout. As her wife’s hearing was also a bit compromised, neither of them realized that.[return to text]

137He wished he wasn’t. Human sexuality in geral embarrassed him somewhat, even in its tamer aspects, and he thought that was unbecoming of a demon.[return to text]

138He had come to ask Crowley to dinner a few times, when he was walking somewhere and decided he wanted Crowley’s company, and didn’t want to go home and call him. Crowley never allowed him inside, so Aziraphale felt bad about using this opportunity to get to know the place where Crowley lived. But not too bad, he knew how to compartmentalize doing something arguably wrong and still believing he was doing the right thing. In this case, he shouldn’t leave Crowley alone, even if it meant coming inside.[return to text]

139Aziraphale wondered if maybe it was time to come clean, but he assured himself that there was still nothing wrong with the way he was acting, and if Crowley was reaching wrong conclusions that was his own fault.[return to text]

140Which wasn’t strictly true. Crowley did use the kitchen on occasion, if opening the fridge, getting the food and leaving counted as using, and at one point he tried using his office, but the new computer did some strange noises all by itself and he thought it was probably best to leave it alone.[return to text]

141He didn’t want to intrude _too_ much.[return to text]

142He hadn’t, actually. He only thought Crowley was driving more carefully because he was making the roads shorter instead of the car faster when driving. As usual, cars and pedestrians moved out of the way. Except if Crowley was too distracted by Aziraphale to drive properly, or if the Bentley decided to blast romantic music because of something Aziraphale said. Hearing the line “Love of my life, can’t you see?” after a callous comment from Aziraphale about demons and love was almost enough to make him run over a nun143, and Aziraphale would never have forgiven him for that.[return to text]

143Not even of the satanic variety.[return to text]

144Losing his memory wasn’t a problem in this case. Crowley never actually learnt how to drive, he just believed he knew how, so as long as he kept believing that, it was fine. The Bentley mostly drove itself.[return to text]

145Crowley almost asked why they lived so close to one another, but was able to control himself.[return to text]

146Aziraphale only half believed that, but self-doubt could be a powerful thing. After all, he was at peace with loving Crowley, but only as long as he could remind himself that Crowley would never love him.[return to text]

147He simply picked up his phone, dialed a random series of numbers and expected a princess to answer, it worked fairly well.[return to text]

148But he was now being investigated by the police in three different continents, because a few of those princesses suspected he was actually threatening them. It was hardly the first time he was investigated for a crime though, so it would be fine.[return to text]

149As long as he didn’t formulate the question as “Are you the princess’ daughter? How would you go about saving your mother?” he made more than one child cry with that, which didn’t work too well for them actually giving answers.[return to text]

150No, he didn’t think of discovering the number himself like he did with the princesses.[return to text]

151She didn’t need to have people’s numbers to recognize them on caller id, they usually shared their owner’s auras.[return to text]

152He did watch Aziraphale work, from time to time, but not because it was domestic. He simply enjoyed seeing Aziraphale be a grade-A bastard to every human who went into the shop and tried to buy something. Crowley’s whole thing was inconvenience people, but he could never do it as well as Aziraphale did to people on his shop.[return to text]

153He knew that wasn’t what Crowley meant, the bastard, or rather, that he had purposefully chosen a word with a double meaning. A demon playing innocent, that was a new one. Still, Aziraphale supposed he deserved that.[return to text]

154It was the third day now, Aziraphale had been calling princesses the whole night. He woke quite a few of them, both because of the time, and because of his disregard for time zones.[return to text]

155He hadn’t taken off the shades since Aziraphale gave them to him. They made him feel oddly safe.[return to text]

156As established, they were not.[return to text]

157Crowley’s relationship with sex was complicated, and fluctuated between a vague curiosity, absolute apathy and downright repulse. He dealt with that by never having any, which worked out fine, since the only person he was perhaps curious about knowing in a biblical sense also seemed to have no interest in sex, which was a great relief. Too bad this was also one of the things that Crowley couldn’t remember, and he dismissed his previous ideas on sex as being related to other demons.[return to text]

158For God’s sake, Aziraphale![return to text]

159Whatever the exact opposite of the right conclusion was, Aziraphale had just found it.[return to text]

160They hadn’t parted since Crowley first touched his lips. They didn’t strictly need to breathe, but it was one of those things the body missed after being used to it, and the first few breaths before returning to a normal rhythm always burnt.[return to text]

161He couldn’t face Crowley at first, not after what he had done. This was his fault. He had used his best friend.[return to text]

162Not _romantically_ , and socially didn’t count. It would be too complicated to explain to Crowley now anyway.[return to text]

163Even if they were friends and not lovers, he needed some type of love to exist between them.[return to text]

164Because it wasn’t, but not even that being shouted down from Heaven would convince Aziraphale at that particular moment.[return to text]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Crowley (who is heavily implied to be a sex repulsed asexual) both kisses and attempts to initiate sex with Aziraphale because he erroneously thinks they've done that before and that he owes it to comfort Aziraphale. He enjoys kissing and is uncomfortable with the idea of sex, but tries to push back his discomfort for Aziraphale's sake. Aziraphale also enjoys the kiss and goes along with it. It doesn't go beyond kissing and later it will be left clearer that no boundaries were actually crossed, Crowley's discomfort comes from what he thinks will happen not what happened. They then have a fight about the kiss, with Aziraphale not believing Crowley is capable of love. To skip: kissing starts at "So he would give himself", panic over thinking about sex at "he laid down", then the conversation starts at "Aziraphale pushed himself away" and goes to the end of the chapter.
> 
> Ok, now for the notes proper, I feel like I should apologize, but trust me, this was the point where it made the most sense to stop. Also, I've took how wings on that last part from Lucifer, because it's the perfect way to nope out of a situation.
> 
> And since I referenced this before in answers to comments but couldn't explain without spoilers, the kiss was what was supposed to happen much later, but Crowley had other plans, and I figured I could only have so many interrupted kisses while still having the real one be a surprise to Aziraphale. So I had to cut a number of subplots because Crowley just had to kiss him right now.


	5. Familiar comforts

Crowley’s wings spread in the small room, knocking down books, and with one swift movement, he was gone. Transported somewhere else.

Aziraphale’s first thought was, ‘I didn’t know we could do that,’ because it seemed to be a significant ability for him not to have, his second thought was, ‘I’m an idiot,’ because he had just then realized the size of the mess he had just caused.

The last thing he wanted was to hurt Crowley, but he had done just that. This was why he never told Crowley that he loved him, so that they wouldn’t have this conversation165, so that things wouldn’t end like this.

Because this was an end. As much as Aziraphale didn’t care to admit it, this felt like an end, and he would give anything for that end not to be the end of their friendship.

Crowley seemed so hurt, so lost. Aziraphale never meant for this to happen, couldn’t stand the pain that he had caused. He knew that Crowley cared about him, deeply. He knew that Crowley would also do everything that he could to protect Aziraphale if their situations were reversed, because Crowley had been on his side for a very long time, even for their standards. Aziraphale never doubted that devotion.

It would be ridiculous to deny that they were friends, or that there were deep feelings between them. But Crowley himself had admitted that he couldn’t sense the love in Tadfield166, and in that he was like every demon. Removed from love.

That hurt Aziraphale more than it did Crowley167, but it would be worse to pretend that something was possible when it wasn’t.

Aziraphale had to come to terms with the fact that Crowley could be the closest being in all of creation to him, but that he would never love Aziraphale, especially not as Aziraphale loved him168.

Now, if only he could make Crowley see that, if only he could make Crowley realize that they could keep on being to each other what they had been since the world didn’t end, then everything would be alright.

They were on their own side, they had both rejected their previous allegiances to be together, and that mattered. That choice mattered, even if it hadn’t come from a place of love, at least on Crowley’s part.

They just had to talk about this, the same way as they had talked about anything and everything over the millennia, and they would find the right balance.

But first he would have to find Crowley.

Yes, he should go to find Crowley. Any minute now.

\---

One moment he was trying to get away from Aziraphale, and the next he was inside a car. His car, he realized a moment later. His Bentley.

Somewhere deep inside, he knew that this was comfort, that this was refuge. When he was desperate for an escape, the Bentley was what he instinctively sought.

This too, he knew, was a matter of love, even if he couldn’t remember. The Bentley was more than metal and leather, it was an old friend. Stability in an ever changing world.

Crowley grabbed at the wheel and forced his breathing to calm down, forced his heart back into rhythm. This was his body, and it would behave as he wished. At least this he could control.

He couldn’t believe how wrong he was.

No, it was worse than that, much worse than him being wrong, because _Aziraphale_ lead him in error. Crowley asked him over and over again, he gave Aziraphale so many chances to say that they weren’t lovers, but Aziraphale kept him in the dark.

Aziraphale might as well have lied to him, in the way he acted and the words he didn’t say.

Crowley said they were on a date and he didn’t dispute that, who does that? He couldn’t believe that his angel had played with his feelings like this.

No, not _his_ angel, Aziraphale didn’t want to be his angel, that much was clear, even if Crowley didn’t know what he wanted.

Still, whatever he wanted, whatever game Aziraphale was playing with him, he didn’t want Crowley. And yet he claimed to love him, as if that was possible, as if he could love him and refuse to acknowledge that Crowley was capable of feeling.

Denying that Crowley could love was denying a part of who he was, and how could someone claim to love another person in the same breath that they denied who that person was?

Then again, Aziraphale _was_ an angel, so maybe this was the only kind of love that he knew. A love that denied, a love that said no instead of yes. A conditional love. A love that came from a position of power to someone inferior. A love that saw itself as a blessing and demanded fealty of its target.

If this was Aziraphale’s form of love, then he had misjudged the angel, believed him better than he was.

Maybe he was projecting his own… humanity, for lack of a better word, on Aziraphale.

Crowley wished he could have his memory erased again, so he didn’t have to deal with the cognitive dissonance of feeling cheated by the being that he could trust the most in the world.

Or at the very least, he had to get his memories back. Perhaps then there would be something that he could use to deal with this situation, something that could help him understand Aziraphale.

And now he couldn’t even count on Aziraphale to help him with that.

He was completely and utterly alone, and there was no one he could go to for help.

Crowley tightened his hands on the wheel and pressed his foot on the pedal169, he was going to find the witch Anathema and make her tell him the answer, whatever it took.

He was a demon, after all. It was time to start acting like one170.

\---

There was something bothering Aziraphale.

No, that wasn’t true, there were many things bothering Aziraphale, most of them in regards to Crowley, and quite a few of those in regards to his treatment of Crowley.

But there was one thing in particular that was nagging at him. He couldn’t help but feel that he was forgetting about something important.

Sensing what he thought was love coming from Crowley, although it obviously couldn’t be, made him think of that, but he couldn’t remember what it was171.

He concluded it was probably nothing important, if it were, he would have remembered it now.

And besides, he had to focus on finding Crowley.

Part of him wondered if he was trying to avoid thinking about what he had done to Crowley, and maybe even if his actions had been unwarranted. Another wanted to think of anything that wasn’t his own actions.

\---

Crowley had no idea where Anathema was, but he figured that he should be able to drive to her, so he was172. The Bentley parked right in front of her. Not her house, mind you. The Bentley parked right in front of her, on top of the crosswalk, when she was going out for lunch.

Crowley got out of the car, closed the door with his hip, then leaned on the door, trying to look intimidating173.

“Witch, you’re gonna help me break thisss curssse,” he demanded in his most intimidating tone, usually reserved for his plants174.

Anathema raised an eyebrow, not impressed. “I told your boyfriend already, I don’t want to get involved in this.”

“He’sssss _not_ my boyfriend,” he spat, frustrated at how anger made him hiss more.

He hated how he couldn’t escape the assumptions even there, because it made him think for how long Aziraphale had acted in this way, and what his reasons were. If everyone thought they were together when they weren’t, what did this mean for Crowley?

“Husband then, or whatever you want to call it. Your _angel_ ,” she said, rolling her eyes175.

“He’sss nothing to me.” Even to his own ears it sounded fake. Of course Aziraphale was something to him, he just didn’t know what.

She raised her hands in the air176. “Then you’re in trouble, because it’s going to be harder to convince him to break the curse.”

“He can’t, the letter sssaid no miracle from Heaven.”

“Not because he’s an angel. You haven’t figured out the princess clue yet?”

“And if I didn’t?”

“Ask a child, as in, how is a princess normally saved from a curse in a children’s book. With a true love’s kiss177. That has nothing to do with Heaven, it’s magic created by humans. Love, hope, and belief all in one.” She walked around the car, and Crowley did nothing to stop her. “Talk to the angel.”

Crowley was left alone to ponder on that, but he felt too vulnerable out in the open. He got back inside the car and drove, with no destiny in mind.

If this was his only chance, then he would never get his memories back, because he had kissed Aziraphale, and Aziraphale had kissed him back. Not only that, but he loved Aziraphale and Aziraphale loved him back. Even after that, it wasn’t enough to break the curse. If this was simply a matter of love, it should have been enough.

So maybe Aziraphale was right. Maybe the love of a demon wasn’t good enough. He never believed that line when it came from Heaven, but this had nothing to do with Heaven or Hell, it was human all the way. So maybe humanity had judged his love and found that it wasn’t enough.

Maybe humanity had judged him and found that he wasn’t enough.

Even after he risked everything to save them.

So maybe the person he believed he was, the person he _knew_ he was, never existed. Maybe it was all just a delusion that he created to be able to live with himself. Maybe he was just as foul as any other demon, and just tricked himself into believing that he was something different.

Maybe he was just a monster who couldn’t stand the mirror and decided to hang a pretty picture in its place to pretend it was his reflection.

Or maybe the problem was with Aziraphale. Maybe true love wouldn’t have tricked him and then set him aside. True love wouldn’t have lied and pretended, then refused to see him.

Whatever the case, Aziraphale was the only person that he loved, even if now he was fearfully doubting his own love and himself in the process. And if Aziraphale couldn’t break the curse, then no one could, and without his memories Crowley couldn’t find the reason why.

Crowley would just have to learn to live with a six thousand years gap in his memory.

And maybe that was what he deserved after all, for daring to think that he could love an angel.

For daring to think that he could love at all.

\---

Aziraphale was almost out the door to go look for Crowley178 when his telephone rang. Normally he would have ignored it, fearing it was someone trying to buy a book, but on the odd chance that it was Crowley or one of the princesses with an answer, he had to take it.

He hadn’t even identified himself when Anathema said, “You’re both idiots.”

“Young lady, that’s hardly a way to…”

“I know for a fact you have a whole bookshop full of children’s books, how can you not know how to save a princess? It’s a true love’s kiss, simple as that. I’m guessing the letter was addressed to you because you’re his true love, and honestly having seen the way you act around each other that’s no surprise, so there you have it.”

Aziraphale couldn’t believe his ears. The answer was so simple, yet it made perfect sense, except…

“That can’t be it, we’ve… I mean, that is to say, me and Crowley, we have already… we’ve kissed179. If that was the answer Crowley would have his memories.”

“I’ve interpreted Agnes Nutter’s prophecies since I was old enough to read, that’s how I learnt to read, actually. That’s the answer. So if you kissed already you did it wrong. Maybe you are just not believing it enough. I have to go now, you can deal with that yourself.” And with that she hung up.

Aziraphale didn’t want to doubt her, but if the answer was as simple as a kiss, the curse would have been broken already. And Aziraphale knew his love to be true, he was an angel, how could his love be anything but true180?

Anathema mentioned belief. Did he believe in his love? Of course he did. He knew that he loved Crowley, and he had known that for a very long time. He had made his peace with the fact that they would never be together in the way that he wanted, but he never doubted his love181.

What else could be the problem182?

It couldn’t be because Crowley was a demon. A demon could be loved, even if he couldn’t love. One thing had nothing to do with the other.

Or at least Aziraphale thought so. Demons weren’t loved by God but angels were still supposed to love everyone, so he assumed that meant that they should love demons too183, and so demons could be loved.

At any rate, if a demon couldn’t be cured by the so called human magic of true love’s kiss, then Agnes Nutter wouldn’t have included that on the letter.

If she wrote it, then it was because that was the way to save Crowley. It had to be, she was never wrong.

He had to find Crowley, maybe they could discuss things and come to a solution, even if that was one awkward conversation he wasn’t looking forward to.

In fact, he could think of quite a few things that would be more pleasant, such as setting fire to his bookshop again, getting stationed in Heaven, and personally going down to Hell and politely asking Lucifer himself if he would terribly mind removing Crowley’s curse. That last one in particular seemed to have a bigger chance of working than him and Crowley finding a way to fix things.

Or maybe he should find an answer by himself first, and then go look for Crowley and just apply the cure to him.

Crowley, who had every right to be angry at him after what happened between them. Aziraphale just hoped that getting his memories back would be enough to make things right. Crowley had to forgive him, he had acted selfishly and given into temptation, but Crowley was a tempter by trade, he had to understand what that was like.

Especially because Crowley himself was the temptation, and a most irresistible one that at, in ways that Aziraphale had trouble conceptualizing, mostly because he didn’t allow himself to dwell on such thoughts184.

Aziraphale told himself over and over that he was doing the right thing by treating Crowley like that, but after seeing the consequences of his actions, he couldn’t believe that anymore. Everything that he said he wouldn’t do, he had done. He went so far as to kiss Crowley, even if Crowley had been the one to initiate it.

He could have said something, stopped the kiss earlier, stopped before it started even, on that fraction of a moment before his brain decided it wasn’t capable of higher thought, because Crowley had hesitated, Crowley had given him enough time to say that he didn’t want that.

He had accused Crowley of lust, but it was his own desire for a romantic relationship between them that caused things to progress like this. And was one type of desire really all that different from the other?

Perhaps it was even the case that Crowley had sensed his desire, he knew that Crowley was capable of that, and with desires that went much beyond sexual. Angels could sense love of all kinds, and demons could sense desires of all kinds, it was how things were.

Aziraphale pushed past his discomfort and forced himself to stay on track. He wanted nothing more than to stop thinking about this, but avoidance wouldn’t find him a solution, and without a solution, Crowley would be lost to him forever185.

Crowley did nothing but follow his lead, he acted on the relationship that Aziraphale convinced him that they had, even if that hadn’t been his intention, not exactly186.

He wondered if the kiss started for his benefit. Crowley was talking about Aziraphale missing him before, so perhaps he wanted to assure him that, even if his memories were lost, he wasn’t. So maybe he didn’t kiss Aziraphale because he wanted to, but because he wanted Aziraphale to know that things didn’t need to change from what Crowley erroneously thought they were before.

In fact, during all the years they knew each other, he couldn’t remember Crowley ever acting in a way that would be considered lustful. Oh, he dressed to seduce, in theory, but it was the kind of showing off his body that was meant to act as a passive seduction, maybe putting some quick lustful thoughts into people’s minds, corrupting them just a little, like he was so fond of doing187. He never seemed to follow through with that though, even though sleeping with a demon was a far greater sin than lusting after the body inside those tight jeans.

Aziraphale couldn’t think of a single person that Crowley had actually seduced. Of course, they weren’t always together, and at times they spent decades without seeing each other, but still, that seemed like the kind of thing that he would know. Crowley liked to talk about his work, the temptations he had accomplished, so he would probably have mentioned something if he had bedded someone. It was one of those sins Hell really liked188.

That couldn’t be true, but the more he thought about it, the more he wondered if Crowley ever had sex with a human. Or Hell, with anyone. When the subject of sex, both as a physical expression love and just a result of lust, came up, Crowley always seemed to react with either disinterest, discomfort or disgust.

How could Aziraphale not have realized that sooner?

But earlier, when they were together…

He tried to remember Crowley’s exact actions. His kiss started tentative and unskilled, like someone who had never kissed before, but this was the lack of memory. It had to be the lack of memory, Aziraphale knew that Crowley had kissed other people before, had even seen it a couple times, and there were still artworks and plays that brought back memories of seeing their creators throwing themselves at Crowley, even if what Aziraphale witnessed never went beyond one or two kisses189.

Alright, that was a line of thought for another moment, or he would get too distracted. He needed to focus on their kiss, not any others had Crowley shared with different people190.

Then, he had pulled Aziraphale on top of him, grabbed his clothes and placed a leg on his waist to pull Aziraphale closer. A classic sexual behavior of a seductor. Except…

He played the memory again in his head. Crowley pulled him closer with a leg, was wasn’t grinding against him, or even pressing him too closely.

Then, Crowley had been shaking, and Aziraphale assumed then it was excitement, but now he wondered if it wasn’t anxiety. And yes, Crowley had grabbed his coat, but it seemed more of a need to have something to hold on to than because he wanted to take off Aziraphale’s clothes.

He wasn’t tugging at the coat, or pulling it. He certainly hadn’t ripped it or miracled it away.

Aside from one hand on the hem of his coat, one behind his neck, and the leg on his waist, Crowley wasn’t touching him much. His hands didn’t wander in search for skin, and his legs didn’t move to tease him, nor did he move his groin against Aziraphale despite having him perfectly positioned between his legs. He seemed more like someone making himself available than initiating sex. No, more than that, he seemed like someone who wanted to look like he knew what he was doing, while not having the slightest clue.

If he had assumed the Arrangement to mean their relationship, then Crowley must have thought they had been together for a thousand years, so maybe he just assumed that this was something they did, and when Aziraphale went along with it, he assumed he was right.

And when Aziraphale accused him of lust, he was hurt.

Aziraphale didn’t even give him a chance to explain himself, he just kept talking about how demons couldn’t love, no wonder Crowley had just flown out of there like that191.

Could it be possible that Aziraphale was wrong? That Crowley wasn’t motivated by lust when he touched him, but by a sincere desire to comfort him?

But if he only wanted to make Aziraphale feel better, if he had no interest in interaction beyond comforting Aziraphale, then it was altruism. And if a demon could be altruistic, truly altruistic, then could he really say that they were cut off from all forms of love?

Altruism, after all, at least true altruism, required a certain capacity for love. Not romantic, not necessarily, but still, love.

And not only that, but Crowley wanted to comfort Aziraphale when he barely knew him. This wasn’t his best friend of thousands of years, this was the serpent from the Garden after not even three days in the present. This Crowley had no reason to do anything to help Aziraphale.

Not only that, he had no reason to care about Aziraphale. He barely knew him. As far as Crowley was concerned, they should be enemies. But Crowley believed him when Aziraphale said he wanted to help, and in return he tried to comfort Aziraphale. That showed…

Aziraphale tried to think back to what he felt when they were kissing. He sensed love, or at least he thought he did, and angels weren’t capable of sensing their own love192.

With only the two of them there, if the love he was sensing wasn’t his own, it had to be Crowley’s. Still, Aziraphale assumed that he was projecting his own feelings onto Crowley. That love had felt so familiar that it could only be his own.

So familiar… there was something there that he couldn’t quite place.

Not only that, but if Crowley loved him now, he must have loved him before. And if Crowley had loved him before losing his memories, Aziraphale would have sensed it. He had to admit, at least to himself, that he looked for it for some time, hoping that, despite what he knew to be true, Crowley was unlike other demons enough so that he could feel love.

Crowley was unlike them in so many ways. He wasn’t exactly good, but he wasn’t particularly evil either.

Sure, he would sink a duck for no reason, although never truly drown them193. And he would annoy people just because he could, make them trip while walking around him, make engines stop working, make tires empty just enough to make driving hard, but not enough that calibrating was a priority. Not to mention his evil creations, he was quite proud of knee high boots that didn’t have an opening on the side194, and of frozen foods that came with instructions that always made them slightly over or undercooked195.

But at times he could be good, noble, kind, all the virtues that Aziraphale always associated with angels196.

And Crowley could do the nicest things, when he thought he could get away with it.

How many times Aziraphale had caught him saving children and Crowley hastily claimed that it was because they were still too pure for Hell, and had to survive to have a chance to be corrupted? Aziraphale thought one of those children ended up a saint, although he wasn’t quite sure.

He also did things for Aziraphale, so that Aziraphale could keep his worldview of himself as a good person. Miracling away inconveniences before Aziraphale took too drastic measures, healing animals that Aziraphale hurt trying his magic tricks197, and occasionally claiming to have ridiculous over the top evil plans198 and allowing Aziraphale to convince him to drop them, only so Aziraphale would feel good about himself.

Then there were the plants. Crowley mentioned once how the way to make them beautiful was to terrorize them and destroy the ones who weren’t pretty enough, but Aziraphale had seen him planting one of his ‘discarts’ in the park, even if he had the good sense not to approach Crowley at that moment.

So it was easy to hope that maybe in this too Crowley wasn’t demonic enough. That maybe he was capable of feeling heavenly love despite being cast out from Heaven.

But he wasn’t. Aziraphale couldn’t keep entertaining that thought. Crowley, like every other demon, was cut off from God’s love. He couldn’t love like the angels, because he wasn’t loved by God199.

And yet Aziraphale had sensed love from him. A love that didn’t feel like his own, but still felt familiar, almost like…

Then it hit him. He was so concerned about Crowley that he forgot about the large sums of love from the world disappearing.

He was supposed to have investigated that, but then Crowley was cursed and how could he worry about anything else when his best friend couldn’t remember anything about the past six thousand years?

The love he had sensed then felt very much like a portion of the love that had disappeared from the world.

But then, this had to mean that the decrease of love and Crowley’s amnesia were connected. So maybe the curse that affected Crowley had also… made humans love less200.

Then he had a moral obligation to revert the curse and release back the human love into the world.

Yes, that explained it. As Crowley began to remember him, the curse was weakened and some of that human love was returned, and that was the reason why Aziraphale sensed love as if it was coming from Crowley, that had to be it.

So Crowley didn’t feel lust, and he hadn’t kissed Aziraphale for his own benefit. But he also couldn’t love, because he was a demon. So he cared for Aziraphale, deeply, and wanted Aziraphale to be comfortable even at his own expense. He cared in a very human way, that asked nothing in exchange from Aziraphale. And maybe that was just as good as love, or it would have to be202.

He had to go find Crowley and tell him this, tell him he was enough, that what he felt was enough, even if it wasn’t love.

He loved Crowley, and he knew his love was true, that had to be enough. And maybe now that he knew that this was what the prophecy meant, it would be.

\---

Crowley wondered if he had anymore friends203, because he couldn’t stand to think of Aziraphale now, but he really didn’t want to be alone.

And he felt incredibly alone.

Had it always been like this? Had he always loved Aziraphale like this, and had he always been denied like this? Not denied reciprocation, that he could have dealt with, but denied recognition.

How could he stand thousands of years of this suffering?

Maybe the problem was that he let himself believe that Aziraphale wasn’t like other angels like he wasn’t like other demons, and maybe that was true in most cases, but in this Aziraphale was just more of the same.

His love too was conditional and held just beyond Crowley’s reach.

He too felt that his way was the only way, or the only right.

Crowley really wanted to believe that Aziraphale was better than that. And it really seemed like he could be.

He wondered if that was the problem, if Aziraphale was always almost reaching that point in which he could see that both sides were the same, only the bosses changed.

He wondered if Aziraphale was always almost meeting him in the middle, only to pull away at the last second, holding on to his self-righteousness.

Why couldn’t Aziraphale just realize that they were the same, deep down?

Crowley hit the brakes205.

He and Aziraphale were the same. Aziraphale had to realize that they were the same. That they were capable of the same feelings, that both of them had the same capacity for love. In other words, the angel had to believe that the heart of the angel and the heart of the serpent were the same.

Holy Mother of God, the witch really was good.

The only problem was, if he told Aziraphale the truth, he wouldn’t believe him.

That almost made things worse. He figured out the clues206, and he knew how to cure himself. And he couldn’t do absolutely anything about it.

He had to trust that Aziraphale would either decipher the clues by himself, or that he would independently come to the right conclusion207.

In the meantime, there was nothing he could do but await, and he couldn’t even go to Aziraphale.

If he returned now, Aziraphale would still insist that he was right. He had to be alone so that he could see that Crowley was telling the truth about his feelings.

This felt about as pleasant as accidentally biting into something too hard and ripping out a tooth208.

He really oughta go out there and wreck some havoc, spread some chaos, do some evil. That would make him feel better.

And if that evil caught a certain angel’s attention, so be it.

Now, the only question was, what was the most evil thing that he could do?

It was hard to come up with a plan without his memories, but he smiled deviously when he realized what he could do.

Oh, this was a seriously evil plan209.

\---

165But mostly because he wouldn’t know how to deal with his own feelings if not for the fact that he was sure nothing would result of them.[return to text]

166Not in so many words, Aziraphale was inferring quite a lot, not all correctly. But in this case, yes, demons couldn’t sense love.[return to text]

167No, it didn’t.[return to text]

168It was the only way he could come to terms with his own love.[return to text]

169The Bentley, noticing that his owner was even more clueless than usual about how to drive a car, moved out of the parking spot while the steering wheel was still straight. It was far from the first time that the tires had to act by themselves.[return to text]

170He figured he could bribe her. That was an evil demonic thing to do, right?[return to text]

171Which was of course the small detail of so much of the love in the world disappearing. If he had realized this now, and realized that the disappearance of love coincided with the moment that Crowley was cursed, then perhaps he would have believed that demons, or at least one demon in particular, were capable of love. Then again, he would probably have just figured it was a coincidence.[return to text]

172Considerably faster than he should have been, since she was far from London. But not _that_ far, England was a fairly small country.[return to text]

173He had missed the mark and arrived closer to divorcee father waiting to pick up child after just buying a middle age crisis car. It was actually a pretty good result, all things considered.[return to text]

174Since he hadn’t yelled at his plants in a while, he had a lot of that in reserve.[return to text]

175She was somewhat frustrated that they were getting stuck on that. They were, after all, the most obnoxiously in love couple she had ever met.[return to text]

176Because she was convinced that this was a ridiculously badly timed breakup.[return to text]

177Agnes Nutter wasn’t familiar with that expression, but she understood how the magic worked well enough to use an appropriate cultural reference, or something close to it. Besides, sometimes the best thing to deal with denial was easing people into the right answer.[return to text]

178He was still trying to convince himself to go. He really didn’t want to confront either Crowley or his actions, and overthinking was quite the paralytic.[return to text]

179It was surprisingly hard to admit that.[return to text]

180Statistically speaking, an angel’s love was the exact opposite of true. But Aziraphale was an outliner.[return to text]

181It was true, but mostly because he had never allowed himself to think too much about it, so self-doubt couldn’t have a proper go at it.[return to text]

182Yes, Aziraphale, what else can be the problem, if you have never doubted _your_ love?[return to text]

183He really hoped that was the case, because that was what he had been telling himself since the first time he had acted kindly towards Crowley.[return to text]

184He would probably have been in less trouble if he simply wanted to have sex with Crowley. That was a classic temptation, easy to fix. Love was a much more complicated category.[return to text]

185It was curious how avoiding action was the thing that finally pushed him away from the familiar comfort of avoiding his thoughts.[return to text]

186It had been his exact intention, despite his lies to himself.[return to text]

187This, it should be noted, was Aziraphale’s interpretation of events. Crowley never once tried to dress seductively, especially not to give people lustful thoughts. It made him uncomfortable when people thought of him like that. He was just trying to dress like what he thought looked cool and stylish, preferably also rich but not too ostentatious. Envy was the sin that he was trying to provoke, although he would have had more success with lust.[return to text]

188Although it should be noted that, while demons were known to have sex with each other, and there was a whole subsection of demonic pornography involving the idea of corrupting an angel with sex, very few of them actually tolerated the idea of sex with a human, even if it was just to get a little corruption of the soul done. It should also be noted that angels are also known to have sex with each other, even if Aziraphale thought all other angels were too insuferable to try it with them. They also had a whole subsection of angelic pornography involving the idea of purifying a demon with sex. The same company produced both kinds of pornography, but it used different names in Heaven and Hell. Curiously enough, in both cases explicit consent is an important part of the scenario. For demons, because an angel can’t be corrupted without temptation being accomplished. For angels, because they get their kicks from thinking every demon secretly wants to be punished and purified.[return to text]

189Crowley did enjoy kissing under the right circumstances, such as being with the angel he loved, or being gifted a beautiful work of art inspired by him. In his experience, kissing was good, great even, as long as the humans he was with didn’t get too handsy.[return to text]

190He wasn’t exactly jealous, and Crowley had never tried to make him jealous. But thinking about the kisses he had witnessed made him want Crowley to kiss him again, and properly this time, with all his skills and memories. Which he didn’t want to happen because he was still convinced that they couldn’t be together.[return to text]

191He really wanted to ask how Crowley did that. Could Aziraphale do that too?[return to text]

192Angels couldn’t sense their own love and demons couldn’t sense their own desires, much in the same way that humans can’t hear their own ears or smell their own noses.[return to text]

193Well, maybe sometimes. But he brought them back when Aziraphale asked, and he seemed to only do so when Aziraphale was paying enough attention to ask.[return to text]

194Until he tried to put them on and nearly broke a foot, and had to embarrassingly miracle them on. Then he made Aziraphale promise never to talk about this again.[return to text]

195That one didn’t backfire, because Crowley never ate frozen food in his entire life. Also, he forgot to mention it to Aziraphale, for no malicious reason other than it slipped his mind, but he got a commendation for that, after a wife murdered her husband after a discussion over dinner. There was more to it than that, but both people and Hell focused on the dinner part.[return to text]

196Erroneously so, but that’s what propaganda does.[return to text]

197That happened multiple times, with several different animals. Aziraphale couldn’t quite get the hang of tricks with animals. Or without animals.[return to text]

198Most of which he didn’t have the power to execute, like turning all people into ducks, inverting gravity on Earth, or disappearing all fish in the world. That is, he probably didn’t have the power to execute that. It would be best not to challenge him too much. He didn’t have anywhere near the level of raw power, but he was rather creative.[return to text]

199Which, in Aziraphale’s defense (and it’s hard to defend him, at this particular moment), was true. Crowley couldn’t love like the angels, but he could love like a human, and in many ways, that was better. Humans could be judgemental in their love, but they also could not be, and that was something that angels would never understand. Except perhaps for Aziraphale, but he had learnt how to love like a human too, it was just taking him a little longer to realize that.[return to text]

200Aziraphale stared straight into the eyes of the right conclusion, and then waved at it before turning to the other side and walking away. The right conclusion growed and hit its head against the wall201.[return to text]

201Proving that making the connection sooner wouldn’t have made Aziraphale any good.[return to text]

202He had made a mental network of assumptions, all of them close to the truth, but most of them at least partially false, and it was a neat little way to fix his world view after being confronted with facts that disproved it. It also had the structural integrity of a lego tower made by a very uncoordinated two years-old.[return to text]

203He had a few human friends with whom he could talk about something like this, none of which was alive at the moment204, as it tends to happen with humans. At one point in an immortal life, the odds are really stacked in favor of people you know being dead, unless you only befriend other immortals.[return to text]

204Although maybe there were humans still alive with whom he could have talked about this, they would either be people he wouldn’t consider friends, such as the witch, or people who wouldn’t know who he was, therefore forcing him to disguise the circumstances when talking to hide his true nature.[return to text]

205Yes, he had been driving the entire time. Since he left Anathema, in fact. Driving helped calm him, as he had rediscovered. Or rather, moving away fast and feeling like he was in control.[return to text]

206Way to forget Anathema’s help. She solved half of it for him! Still, he had a very rough couple of days, so maybe he can be forgiven.[return to text]

207The right conclusion was crying against the wall. It didn’t believe that Aziraphale would ever get to it.[return to text]

208Incidentally, having this happen to him was what made him decide not to be venomous, it removed most of the temptation of biting, at least on the instinctive side. Especially when one was biting a rock they accidentally kicked, almost breaking their pinky toe. Not his proudest moment, but anyone who ever hit their pinky toe against a hard surface could relate.[return to text]

209In a manner of speaking. Crowley really did think he was being brilliantly evil, even if it was less ‘cruel demon’ and more ‘you little shit’. Even if ‘you little shit’ still worked brilliantly to secure souls for Hell, especially considering it made the humans do all the work for him, the plans themselves tended to sound less cruel and more ridiculous. But yeah, if it worked, it still counted as an evil plan, even if seriously was a bit of an overstatement.[return to text]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up, but it will probably be two weeks before the next chapter. I want to expand a scene I call "hitting Aziraphale over the head with the fact that he's an idiot and should be ashamed", but some unexpected freelance work came along and it takes priority. I'll still try to get the chapter ready by next Friday, but no promises.


	6. True love

Aziraphale was about to leave to search for Crowley again210, when the letter from Agnes Nutter flew out of his pocket and smacked him across the eyes, with a bit more violence than a piece of paper had any right to do211.

He peeled it off, as it had stubbornly got stuck on his eyes, and stared at it suspiciously, wondering if Agnes Nutter had actual magical powers that transcended time. That is, beyond the magical power of a vision that transcended time212.

The letter remained innocently in his hand. If it could speak, it would have said that he opened the door too quickly and created a draft, so it was really all his fault.

Still, that was a sign if he ever saw one213.

So he took a moment to reread the letter.

_to anathema, doon not burn thys letter, it ys not for yow, gyve it to the angel who lyvs bytween the books_

_to the angel, nyther charm from heaven nor charm from hell may break the curse from hell, only charm of the hyumans may help. ask a child howe the pryncess may be saved, and ye will have youre answer. forget what ye were told and bylieve the hart of a serpent to be the same as the hart of an angel, only thanne may he return to yow_

The first part he could ignore, as it wasn’t for him, even if it made him curious about what else Ms. Device might have burnt. He hoped there wasn’t a second book of prophecies or something like that214.

As for the second part…

Fine, he couldn’t miracle away the curse and neither could Crowley. Using a proper spell or sigil wouldn’t work either215. It was, as far as occult and ethereal magic was concerned, an unbreakable curse.

They had to use human magic, which was fueled by human belief that it could work in general, and the participant’s belief that it could work in that particular case216. So belief was the key, unwavering belief that it would work.

The human magic in question was a true love’s kiss, if Ms. Device was to be believed, which was fueled by every exceedingly romantic person who ever lived, and by very child who read fairy tales where people were saved by love.

Alright, applying the general theory to this particular case...

So he had to believe both that a true love’s kiss was real, in the sense that the love was true and real and in the sense that it had magical powers, and that it would work in that situation.

His love was real, no need to examine it further.

Could a true love’s kiss have magical powers? Yes, he could believe that. Humans were amazing, all the little things that they could come up with, and then deposit all their faith in. They could turn all these superstitions real, simply by believing in them enough.

So although he had never heard of it working in real life, he had no doubt that it could work, given the proper amount of love. If needed be, he could have faith in the power of a true love’s kiss, and the faith of an angel was a powerful thing217.

Then, it was even easier to believe that this could work in the situation. After all, Agnes Nutter had said so herself, and she had proved her power. As soon as he first started reading her book, he was astonished at how accurate she had been. If she said this was the way to save Crowley, then this was the way to save Crowley.

There it was, the belief part was handled.

The final part was the most complicated, which was a shame because it was precisely the part that talked about Crowley returning to him.

‘Forget what ye were told’, by whom? By the letter itself? There wasn’t much of a point in telling him something only to tell him to forget, so that shouldn’t be it. Who else could have told him something in relation to this situation? Crowley? Were Crowley’s memories faulty?

He would have to leave that part for later.

‘Bylieve the hart of a serpent to be the same as the hart of an angel’, that had to be related with what he was supposed to forget, otherwise they wouldn’t be in the same sentence. Probably. Well, it could, but it was easier to assume they were related.

The serpent was Crowley, that much was clear, he didn’t know any other serpents. But the angel, could the angel be the angel that Crowley was before the Fall? Could this mean that he still had the same heart218? Of course not, that would be ridiculous, no one could go through a Fall unchanged.

But what other angels could be involved in this situation?

Unless the angel was Aziraphale219.

Then maybe what he was told was what Heaven thought about Crowley.

He tried to read it with that interpretation, to see if it made any more sense..

Forget what you’ve been told by Heaven about angels and demons, and believe that Crowley’s heart is the same as yours.

Well, just because a witch predicted the form to stop the Apocalypse, it didn’t mean that she knew anything about… No, he couldn’t even finish the thought. Agnes Nutter had proven her power already, he just went through that, and he couldn’t deny her just because he was uncomfortable with the implications.

If he were to believe that Crowley’s heart was like his, then that would mean believing that he was capable of love. But he couldn’t be, he couldn’t love like an angel, that wasn’t a matter of belief, it was a matter of fact.

Of course, Aziraphale wouldn’t exactly say that his love was the angel standard. Angels were, after all, supposed to love everyone equally. And if an angel were to love someone in particular, that someone definitely shouldn’t be a demon.

So maybe220, maybe their hearts were the same, but not like an angel’s.

Maybe their hearts were like humans’, and that was the reason why human magic could work on them.

After all, weren’t humans the ones that always went on about loving people they weren’t supposed to?

And he had always been particularly fond of those humans, who knew their love to be right despite the social norms of the time. He had helped his fair share of young men and women who were falsely led to believe that their love for the same gender was wrong or wasn’t true221.

So maybe there was something about the way he saw himself in them. After all, it wasn’t an accident that he presented himself the way he did. No one could look that gay by accident, it took a lot of effort. Years of perfecting this aesthetics. And he did it because, well, he had to present as some kind of human or another, so he might actually take the chance to choose a group that he liked.

Of course Heaven couldn’t care less that he had given his heart to a male presenting being (in as much as Crowley was male presenting) while being a male presenting being himself, since this type of relationship was common among angels, with all kinds of gender configurations. Still, the problem was who he loved, and that he loved the _wrong_ kind of person, so the similarities were there, and were a bit too uncomfortable to properly analyze.

If he let himself think too much about this, he might end up thinking about how much his insistence that this was impossible, that a demon couldn’t love so they could never be together, that it wasn’t worth the risk of getting his heart broken, reminded him of young men he met in the past, that insisted that their love was doomed because a man couldn’t love another man. And he couldn’t think that, because if he did, then he would have to give himself the same advice that he used to give them.

Open your heart. Do you truly believe this? If you can love him, then why is it so hard to believe that he could love you too? And if there’s even a chance, isn’t it worth every risk?

How many times he had said those words to help set someone on the path for happiness?

How many times he had seen the same doubts, the same hesitations that he had now?

Oh, how he had judged Crowley poorly. Now that he thought about it in those terms, he could see how ridiculous he had been. All this time, he had been projecting his own insecurities on Crowley so he wouldn’t have to feel them.

He saw them as having no future together, and put the blame on Crowley so he wouldn’t have to examine his own feelings. But he was wrong, all along this was nothing more than what was comfortable to believe in.

They were the same and they felt the same thing, because his love too wasn’t from Heaven.

They fell in love in a way that only humans can, against rules that were created based on nothing but prejudice.

Theirs was the type of love that started against their better judgement, because their heart became so human it couldn’t choose who to love, but it stayed because it was nurtured, because they chose to remain by each other’s side, in the way that only humans, with their wonderful free will, can choose to love..

The first step came by accident, but each one since was taken with their eyes wide open, they walked into love knowing it would be their ruin, their destruction.

He tried to deny it for so long, but now that it was in a familiar frame, every lie that he had ever told himself was exposed. And it would have been bad enough, if he had only hurt himself with them, but he had tortured Crowley in the process, denied him in the worst possible way.

Oh, what a cruel thing he had done, denying not only Crowley’s love, but his very capacity for love. It was no surprise that he had ran as he did, when this was the treatment Aziraphale reserved for him.

But he couldn’t wallow in self-pity, he had a prophecy to solve and a demon to save.

So Crowley could love him, not because he was still like an angel, but because he was so human. They could love each other because they had gone native, because humanity left its mark on them222.

And when Crowley tried to tell him precisely that, Aziraphale pushed him away and accused him of lust because that was easier than facing the fact that he had been hiding behind a lie, even if that hurt Crowley so unfairly.

All these years it was easier to believe that Crowley couldn’t feel the same, because then Aziraphale had an out. He didn’t need to face his own feelings because they would never be mutual, it was impossible, so he didn’t have to think about them.

And it was so much easier, so much safer, to love someone when you made your peace with them never loving you back.

That safety was hard to give up, even for the promise of mutual love.

He accepted his feelings a long time ago, but always under the assumption that nothing would come of it. Even if Heaven considered wrong for him to love a demon, while he wasn’t loved by one it was all in his head. And the more he thought about it the more he realized that these were the same excuses that he helped humans overcome so many times.

All this time, they were in the same situation, and perhaps he had helped them in the hopes of helping himself in the process.

Did Crowley even know that Aziraphale loved him? Not now, obviously, but before, when he had six thousand years of blooming friendship to guide him. Or had he gone around for so long still believing his love was unrequited?

Aziraphale had done this to him, everytime that he said that demons couldn’t love, that Crowley couldn’t understand love because he was a demon. Everytime he said hurtful things to keep himself safe in his bubble of superiority, keeping Crowley at arm’s length because he was afraid of what would happen if he got closer. Because Aziraphale couldn’t trust himself around Crowley if he thought there was even a chance of mutual love.

How wrong he had been, because if demons can’t understand love then neither can angels, not beyond the love that was universal but conditional, the same for all as long as they followed the rules. Neither demons nor angels could understand, not unless they had grown with humanity for so long that they felt as humans did.

Three days223, three days of being around Aziraphale was all it took for Crowley to fall in love with him again, and Aziraphale couldn’t even be bothered to take his head out of his arse for long enough to see it.

He wanted to be safe more than he wanted to be loved, but it was too late to stay in that comfortable middle ground. Their feelings were laid bare, and he had no other choice but to confront them.

This was the moment, he had to decide if he was willing to take a leap of faith and believe in Crowley’s love, even if that meant risking not only the relationship they had now, but even his status as an angel.

And he knew which of those it would be harder to lose.

But if he did nothing he had already lost Crowley, and compared to that, risking a Fall didn’t seem all that bad. If God was willing to cast him out for loving the _wrong_ sort then he would jump out of Heaven224.

He had already chosen Earth a long time ago anyway.

Now he was just choosing Crowley to go along with it.

Finally, he stepped out, closing the door behind him226. He had a demon to find.

\---

Crowley was doing some evil, because it made him feel better about himself. Like he knew his place in the world, or at least like he knew _something_.

He was standing at a rooftop227, looking at the park below and enjoying the fruits of his work.

He had plotted something absolutely devious, which as even more brilliant when taken into consideration that he didn’t have his memories, and so had to learn about human society from the start228.

The frustration and the anger were particularly entertaining to watch.

So he didn’t need Aziraphale, he could stay there, doing evil things all by himself, and he would have fun while he was doing that. Just like a demon should  
.  
After all, he _was_ a demon, as Aziraphale was so fond of reminding him. A demon shouldn’t be concerning himself with something like love and heartbreak when there were souls to corrupt. If he kept himself busy enough, he might just believe it.

Denial seemed to work just fine for the angel, he might as well try it.

He could feel a familiar tug at the back of his mind that he couldn’t quite identify, something like turning on the location on his phone229, only inside his head. Or maybe a nagging notification that he was being tracked.

Of course, being tracked could mean a very bad thing, or it could mean that Aziraphale was coming to thwart him230.

The chance that another agent from Hell was coming to further curse him or destroy him once and for all, versus the chance that Aziraphale was coming to complain about his evil doings. He was willing to take that chance231, so he did nothing to conceal his presence232.

He expected whomever was tracking him to be there soon, but that didn’t happen. Someone was taking their time getting there.

All the more time for him to panic about what he was going to say.

\---

Aziraphale looked up at how many flights of stairs were left, and sighed. Why did Crowley have to choose a tall building with no lift to hide? Not that Crowley was hiding, after all, he did nothing to disguise his presence. He hoped that meant that Crowley wasn’t too angry at him.

He wished he had had a chance to ask Crowley about that little trick with the wings, because traditional flying carrying a body was worse than stairs, but maybe that was more like the teleportation they could do without bodies.

Aziraphale was so sure about his conclusions as he left his shop wanting to tell Crowley, but his confidence was wavering with each step.

A part of him, deep down, couldn’t quite let go of the notion that he and Crowley couldn’t be, that this was all wishful thinking on his part.

Thousands of years of prejudices and repression couldn’t disappear in a matter of hours233.

But Aziraphale refused to allow doubt to fester in his mind. He had finally realized Crowley’s feelings, and Agnes Nutter’s letter all but confirmed them. He had to find Crowley, tell him the truth, maybe apologize234, and then they would kiss again and Crowley would have his memory back235.

He stopped at the door to the roof, taking a moment to collect himself.

This was his last chance of running away, but he had ran away from his feelings for far too long already. Everytime he denied Crowley’s feelings, he was running away from his own. This had to stop now.

After everything he did, he owed it to Crowley to face him.

He opened the door, and found Crowley sitting just before the edge, looking down at the park.

“Oh, there you are, my dear boy, I’ve been looking for you,” he said, because it was as good a way as any to break the ice236.

Crowley tapped at the side of his head. “I could feel you searching,” he said coldly, without looking at him.

Well, that started out worse than he expected. Then again, he had very high expectations, hoping he could just act like he always did and pretend like nothing happened, with Crowley just warmly coming back to his arms237.

“What are you doing?” he asked, taking a few steps closer.

“Evil. Corrupting some soulsss,” he said, still not turning.

Right, so Crowley was angry. That was to be expected, he shouldn’t be too surprised by this.

Aziraphale went to the edge. Nothing much seemed to be happening down there.

“Well, you’re supposed to tell me what you’re doing. As per the Arrangement.”

“Oh, we had an Arrangement? I don’t remember,” he said sarcastically.

Really not how he expected this conversation to go.

“Still, I think I should know. It’s my duty.”

“Why should I care about your duty?”

How could things be going so terribly bad? And it was all because of him, since even without his memories Crowley had trusted him.

“Well, I mean, I would like to know?” He should probably know, just to make sure, even if he didn’t think that Crowley was doing anything too evil.

“I made so that everyone has the wrong change, but only by a little,” Crowley finally said, obviously prouder of his plan than he was mad at Aziraphale.

Aziraphale frowned. “I don’t think I understand.”

“Everyone hasss the wrong change, no matter what they want to buy. Only by 5p or 10p, so they go through with it, but the ssseller gets annoyed. Or the buyer tries to give them more money and the ssseller has the wrong change and the buyer feelsss cheated. Loadsss of anger and indignation there.”

Aziraphale really wanted to kiss him now.

That was such a Crowley plan. More annoying than it was properly evil238. Even without his memories, even fresh from Hell, the worst thing that Crowley could think about doing was annoy people until they took it out on other people239.

Still, he owed Crowley an explanation first, and an apology. Snogging could wait. If everything went right, there would be a lot of it in the near future241.

He sat next to Crowley, and cleared his throat. “Right, I suppose I have to stop you.”

Crowley laughed at that. “How do you plan on doing that? The miracle of the raining penniesss?”

“No, I mean…” He had said that out of habit, but it wasn’t what he wanted to say. “I’m sorry, about earlier. I shouldn’t have said what I said.”

“Don’t worry about it, it’sss not like demonsss have feelingsss to be hurt, right?”

It was like a slap to the face, being confronted with what he had done to Crowley.

If Crowley had said it as an accusation, it would have been softer, because anger and indignation Aziraphale could understand. But he said it as if he almost could believe it, as if it was just plausible enough, even if it wasn’t necessarily true.

As much as Aziraphale hadn’t caused all of that impression, he was still responsible for his contribution, and it was time to make amends.

He placed a hand on Crowley’s cheek, mimicking his action from earlier, and coaching Crowley to turn to look at him. He regretted miracling those shades, because now he couldn’t see Crowley’s eyes, and his expression was hard to read. Still, he wouldn’t dare to take them now, wouldn’t make Crowley feel more vulnerable.

There were a million things that Aziraphale wanted to say. That he regretted believing in Heaven’s propaganda when it came to demons, that he knew no side was better than the other, that he was sorry for all the times he told Crowley that he couldn’t understand love. So many things to make up for, but he had to start somewhere.

“I know you love me,” he said softly, only noticing the words as they left his lips.

And that was the most important thing, wasn’t it? He was wrong, he had been wrong all along, because Crowley could love and he loved him and Aziraphale could recognize that now.

Aziraphale closed his eyes, trying to sense it, hoping that he could242. The same warm buzz that he had felt at the bookshop, almost like a pleasant version of static running through the body.

It was so broad that it was easy to get it confused with the overall love of humanity, but if he focused enough, he could sense that it spiralled around them.

Then it hit him, this was what he was missing. Not at the same intensity, not yet, not with so few days of memory. But this was part of the love that was missing from the world, the love that was always there and grew so slowly that it was as if it wasn’t there at all.

Nothing happened to humanity, but without his memories Crowley couldn’t keep projecting this love. It was the only thing that changed, there was no crisis they were supposed to be addressing243.

It was all Crowley.

It had always been Crowley, loving him unnoticed.

The sharp stabbing sensation that spread to his chest like a heart attack had been what it was like to lose Crowley’s love.

How could he not have seen this before?

Agnes Nutter was right244, all he needed to do was stop believing what he was told and look for himself.

The truth had always been in front of him.

He was just too much of an idiot to see it.

\---

Crowley couldn’t think.

Thinking was something that happened to other people, people who didn’t have their world view shook three times over the last six hours or so. There was only so many times someone could have their life turned into its head before they stopped processing what was happening.

“I know you love me.”

These were the most romantic words Aziraphale could have said to him245.

Before, Aziraphale didn’t give him the chance to express his feelings. Back at the shop, Crowley was about to say that he knew he loved Aziraphale, and that his feelings had to be right.

But then Aziraphale didn’t allow him to speak, instead accusing him of being incapable of understanding love and being motivated exclusively by lust.

Crowley had laid himself bare for Aziraphale, and Aziraphale had denied his feelings, his identity.

That he would say this now, without Crowley having to defend himself, without Crowley even having to defend his feelings, was better than an apology246.

He should say something, he had to say something. Say that Aziraphale was right, that Crowley loved him, even though he shouldn’t. Ask him what changed.

But he couldn’t say anything. All he could do was stare at Aziraphale, not believing what he had heard.

Aziraphale, who had closed his eyes like he waited for a kiss, who was waiting for a reaction from him.

But he couldn’t do anything either. Nothing beyond stare.

If he had his memories, if he knew Aziraphale better, then maybe he would be able to process this247.

Right now, he couldn’t quite organize his feelings, let alone his thoughts248.

\---

“Crowley dear?” Aziraphale asked after a couple minutes.

No answer.

Aziraphale opened his eyes.

Well, this was… not quite what he was expecting.

Maybe he should have eased Crowley into it, because now it seemed like he had broken his demon249.

He really should have started with a proper apology, but he was afraid Crowley wouldn’t have appreciated it.

“Crowley? Are you still with me?”

Crowley took a deep breath and very deliberately took off his shades.

Aziraphale reflexively took his free hand to his chest. So this was what all those poets went on about, when talking about being hit by Cupid’s arrow250.

Now that he could see Crowley’s eyes, it was almost too much. Crowley was overflowing with pure love, how had he never seen this before?

How had he gone about his days after seeing many times in the past those eyes that held so much love for him?

\---

“I do. I love you, I mean. I needed to sssay that.”

He felt exposed without the shades, but Aziraphale deserved this251. He wanted him to see the truth in his eyes.

Aziraphale smiled fondly at him. “And I love you. I’m sorry I doubted you before.”

“Well, I _am_ a demon.”

He didn’t mean to say it, even though it was true, but maybe he was still thinking about the way human magic had failed him. He wasn’t sure of himself enough to defend his feelings against the undeniable failure of their kiss.

All his insecurities were still too fresh.

He felt so old, and so impossibly young.

Too old to believe in fairy tales, but still so fresh from his fall.

“No! Well, you are, but that doesn’t matter. Or it does, but… What I mean to say is, I shouldn’t have doubted that you can understand love, or feel love. Angels and demons are of the same stock, after all.”

He wished Aziraphale hadn’t said that. The last thing he needed was to explain to his angel, no, to Aziraphale, that even though they were made of the same things, demons weren’t being of love the way that angels claimed to be. If that was the only reason Aziraphale believed his love…

“It’sss not the same thing. You were right, I wasss cut from… I can’t…. I’m not… The divine love...”

He didn’t know how to explain it, he didn’t have the words to show what changed in an angel to turn them into a demon252, but he had to make Aziraphale see.

If what Aziraphale wanted out of him had anything to do with denying that he was cast out, then that was the one thing he couldn’t give him. Not because he wasn’t willing to break his own heart, but because he couldn’t break Aziraphale’s.

All he had to offer was his own love, flawed and human, as far away from divine as possible, and utterly unconditional.

\---

“I know,” Aziraphale said with a sigh, frustrated at his inability to voice the right words.

He had formulated the argument so well in his head, but he couldn’t explain it to Crowley.

“Then…”

“What I meant to say is, I don’t love you like an angel should. Well, an angel shouldn’t love a demon. But then again we should love all of God’s creations and demon’s were created by God even if you were later cast out, so…”

“Angel, your point isss?”

Right, that wasn’t the time for philosophical considerations. He could save that for the next time they got drunk together, preferably after Crowley had his memories back.

“It doesn’t matter if you can’t feel God’s love, because I don’t love you in the way of angels either. That was what Agnes Nutter was trying to tell us. This isn’t about Heaven or Hell, angels or demons. I love you like a human would.”

\---

So that was it. What finally made his angel figure it out was a letter written by a witch dead hundreds of years before.

It was actually funny.

“The witch told you, didn’t ssshe? What sssaving the princesss meant?”

Aziraphale seemed embarrassed. “Yes, I confess that I needed a little help in getting to this conclusion. I have been thinking about what you said and what I sensed from you since you left the shop. Once Ms. Device told me the solution to that particular part of the prophecy, I realized that the problem was with my belief253. I knew that I loved you but I didn’t believe that you did.”

Hearing the confirmation that Aziraphale didn’t believe in his capacity for love a second time was still painful, but now he could push it aside, because Aziraphale was finally at the right place.

He couldn’t hear that enough. Aziraphale loved him and he loved Aziraphale, and they both knew that now. He didn’t even care about his memories, having Aziraphale was enough.

Well, he still wanted the memories. There was no reason why he couldn’t have both.

“Did you sssolve the ressst of the prophecssy?” he asked hopefully254.

“I think so,” Aziraphale said, and then he leaned in to kiss Crowley255.

It was different this time.

Crowley didn’t have to worry about what Aziraphale thought or try to guess what he wanted, because he knew now.

He could focus on what he was feeling, the way his heart seemed to light up inside, the crossed wires when Aziraphale’s tongue touched the roof of his mouth just right and Crowley could smell himself256, the taste of Aziraphale against his tongue, the feel of his curls under Crowley’s fingers.

Crowley was so focused on the moment that he could barely notice the mix of peeling and scratching that feeling at the back of his head, as the sigil was released257.

\---

Aziraphale licked his lips instinctively as he moved away from Crowley, still chasing his taste. He hadn’t even realized he had closed his eyes until he opened them to look at Crowley. He would never get tired of looking at Crowley.

He was about to ask if it had worked when two things happened simultaneously. One was that a wave of love hit him with enough force to stun him, physically pushing him a touch back. And the other was that Crowley pushed him further away until he fell backwards on the roof, jumped back while turning into a snake, and slithered down the building258.

“What the fuck259?” was the only thing Aziraphale managed to say.

\---

210‘Again’ here referring to the fact that he tried to leave before, not that he had actually searched for Crowley. The avoidance was strong there, which tends to happen when someone was in the wrong and seriously hurt the feelings of someone they loved..[return to text]

211It had felt a bit like a slap, if such a thing was possible, coming from a letter that was centuries old and not particularly big.[return to text]

212She was, after all, the last true witch of England, and witch wasn’t necessarily the best title for a seer, but sometimes applied. So who could tell if she could do anything else?[return to text]

213He saw many, and ignored most of them. But again, thinking about signs was easier than confronting Crowley, so it was time to stop ignoring them.[return to text]

214Fortunately, he would never find out the answer, as it would break his heart.[return to text]

215Most of the ones he knew where for communication or protection, so they wouldn’t have been of much use anyway. But still, it was a good reminder not to go up to Heaven and they to find a cure among _their_ library of spells and sigils.[return to text]

216Humans weren’t _supposed_ to have magic, they created it all by themselves, so faith was a bigger component in human magic than it was for angels and demons when performing miracles. A bit ironic, but miracles required more confidence than faith.[return to text]

217Although not as powerful as human faith, when complete and genuine.[return to text]

218The right conclusion was openly sobbing now.[return to text]

219The right conclusion looked up hopefully.[return to text]

220The right conclusion begged that for once in his life Aziraphale would find it.[return to text]

221As well as youth that fit both or neither of these categories, although in this case ‘same gender’ had to be applied with a grain of salt.[return to text]

222The right conclusion was crying tears of joy, after waiting about six thousand years for Aziraphale to find it.[return to text]

223Closer to forty-eight hours. Which, of course, only made things worse.[return to text]

224Which was also similar to what he heard from the people he helped, although less in a jump out of Heaven sense, and more in a walk right into Hell sense225.[return to text]

225Although in their case, no wrath of God was incurred. It was all a human misconception, but generally Heaven couldn’t be bothered to just send someone to Earth to fix any of those. And there was only so much Aziraphale could do all by himself to disband the horrifying notion love could be a sin.[return to text]

226In case you were wondering, Aziraphale had been standing by his open front door since Agnes Nutter’s letter flew to his face, three hours, seventeen minutes and twelve seconds before this. It took him some time to work through things. During that time, several people saw him in that position, but they were locals so it wasn’t the strangest thing they ever saw him doing. After all, just a couple days before they had seen him grab a large snake with his coat and bring it inside his shop.[return to text]

227In a manner of speaking. ‘Standing’, by Crowley’s standards, actually meant leaning if there was anything around. Or if there wasn’t anything around. He was an expert leaner, in a way only a serpent can be.[return to text]

228Mostly. After all, he maintained some structural knowledge, not all of it useful.[return to text]

229Although GPS was invented in the late 1970s, cell phones with GPS were still a few years in the future, but that was how Crowley felt. He would never allow a little something like anachronisms stop a good analogy.[return to text]

230He couldn’t quite remember what thwarting meant, other than being something that should be done to wiles. Or was it willies? Definitively one of the two, maybe if he said them aloud he could tell the difference. Memories on amnesia could be such a tricky thing.[return to text]

231Alright, perhaps Crowley wasn’t so willing to ignore Aziraphale as he wanted to believe. Who could blame him? As far as his memories went, he knew two people on Earth, one of which was a witch that couldn’t be bothered to help him, and the other was the bastard angel he was in love with despite his best efforts. He wouldn’t really run from either of them, albeit for different reasons.[return to text]

232Also, he couldn’t quite remember how to conceal his presence. It wasn’t the kind of skill that was needed in Hell, not because he didn’t hide in Hell, but because Hell had too much occult energy floating around for a tracking to be effective.[return to text]

233He was having a harder time with the repression than he was with the prejudices. Perhaps because by then they were mostly gone. He already knew that Crowley wasn’t as Aziraphale was taught in Heaven that demons were, only a few remnants of thought still dragged their feet. So prejudice was a shell he had already outgrown, all that was left was for him to squeeze out of it. Repression, on the other hand, was his armor as much as his prison, and had been so for as long as he remembered. To abandon it would mean to be left bare, fragile and vulnerable, with nowhere to hide.[return to text]

234Maybe?![return to text]

235Brilliant plan, really. Except not.[return to text]

236Not really. “Please forgive me, I’m sorry for everything I did, I was wrong all along. I love you but my love has been selfish so your love has been better than mine.” Would have been better.[return to text]

237More delusions than expectations really.[return to text]

238Actually, it worked remarkably well. Generally speaking, a lot of evil made people band together to do good, a little bit of evil was more efficient in the long run. This little trick influenced a chain of events that resulted in two murders (not committed by or against someone who was directly affected by it, mind you), five drunk drivers, seventeen affairs, and, almost a decade in the future, one plan to bomb an office building that was thwarted by bad instructions on how to make bombs found online. Aziraphale knew exactly none of that, and Crowley didn’t care enough about the follow up.[return to text]

239Which, again, worked. Not all of his commendations were for things he took credit for. It was fairly common for demons to have a type, and Crowley’s was tinkering the conditions to see if people would be more inclined to do the evil their were already somewhat tempted to do. Still, Aziraphale was right in thinking this was the most evil Crowley would want to do, giving humans a choice after a little nudge was important to him240.[return to text]

240He couldn’t bring himself not to give them a choice, not when he himself barely had any. He didn’t think of it on these terms, but it was the truth.[return to text]

241After repressing his feelings for so long, he was now desperate to show them in every possible way, even as he still struggled with them. He was already considering asking Crowley to move in with him, and wondering how they could find decorations that would fit both of their aesthetics. If he was human, he would be naming their future children.[return to text]

242He was terrified at the possibility of not being able to detect demonic love. At the same time, he almost hoped for it, since it would leave him, for lack of a better expression, off the hook.[return to text]

243Which was good, considering he did nothing at all to address it when he thought there was a crisis. If half the world’s population was dead and the other half was hoping to be saved by him, then another Armageddon wouldn’t be necessary to ensure the extinction of the species.[return to text]

244What a surprise.[return to text]

245Crowley couldn’t remember this now, but when he watched Star Wars, the exchange “I love you” “I know” almost brought him to tears, and he slept for a week afterwards, because he couldn’t deal with his feelings over that. It was the first time that he had the words to express how he wanted Aziraphale to react to his feelings. Being validated meant more than being loved.[return to text]

246Considerably better. It would have been awkward, being on the receiving end of a proper apology, being a demon and all that. The ‘I’m sorry’ of earlier was already bad enough.[return to text]

247He wouldn’t. In fact, it could be harder to even try.[return to text]

248Alright, message received in regards to getting out of his head.[return to text]

249He liked the idea of a possessive, because they didn’t belong to their sides anymore, they only belonged to each other. Maybe he could get Crowley to call him “my angel” instead of just angel now.[return to text]

250Not literally, she loved Star-Crossed Lovers, but not even her would want to get involved in something like this.[return to text]

251Aziraphale probably deserved something closer to a good spanking, and not necessarily the good kind. Still, Crowley needed very little to be taken by his love once again, and so was thinking that Aziraphale deserved all the best things in creation.[return to text]

252Because the words didn’t exist, not even beyond the constraints of human languages. A Fall was cruelly ineffable, and not even thoughts could be formed to understand it.[return to text]

253It never occurred to him that part of the belief needed for a true love’s kiss to work was knowing what it was and believing that it would work, which neither of them had at the time of their first kiss. So it wouldn’t have worked either way, they needed both of these realizations.[return to text]

254Either because he really wanted his memories back, or because he really wanted to kiss Aziraphale again. Possibly both. Definitely both.[return to text]

255This time, the leap of faith had to be all his.[return to text]

256A snake’s vomeronasal system wasn’t made to work with another tongue in the mouth, since snakes aren’t known for French kissing. It wasn’t quite the same as the information he received from his nose, or when he used his own tongue to smell, but it was enough to be confusing in a strangely pleasant way.[return to text]

257If that seemed too easy, it was because the curse wasn’t applied at full power. Someone had left the sigils at a hot and humid room and the scrolls were a touch molded. It was just enough to stain the sigils a little, making the curse weak enough to be broken by human power, and also allowing Crowley to have some knowledge and instincts that he shouldn’t have kept. This should probably have been mentioned sooner, but what would be the fun in that?[return to text]

258Snakes couldn’t exactly slither down vertical smooth surfaces twenty times their length, but no one told Crowley that before. Besides, he wouldn’t have remembered it now, if someone had told him, because he was too anxious to consider anything.[return to text]

259This had been about as shocking as being unexpectedly discorporated.[return to text]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, and I hope it was worth the wait! This was the chapter that grew the most in revision so far, it was 4.7K when I first divided the chapters. But I wanted to really hit the nail in the head with the queer connections, because I love when fantasy/sci-fi metaphors as stand in for real world issues add those issues as well, instead of staying just in the metaphors.
> 
> Now, anyone care to guess what happen for Crowley to react like that?


	7. Aftermath

Now, to understand Crowley’s reaction, it’s important to see things from his perspective, and to do that it’s necessary to go back a little. Three days back, in fact. Well, two days and a half, if we’re getting technical, but that’s not the important part.

Just as a reminder, Crowley was walking down the street to meet Aziraphale, after spending the past few months somewhat distracted by his feelings for the angel, but trying260 not to think about them too much. Still, Aziraphale was clearly on his mind, that part is important. A rat demon showed up, they traded the usual unpleasantries, then she said, “Your punishment has been approved. If you have any questions or complaints, shut your mouth or save them for after the punishment has been completed.” The demon tossed him a sigil and… then it looked like Aziraphale was kissing him261.

Unfortunately, all that happened in between was completely lost to him262.

Crowley didn’t know what he was being punished for, and he didn’t know what his punishment was. All he knew was: he was thinking about Aziraphale, he was informed he would be punished, and then Aziraphale, or someone who looked like him, was kissing Crowley.

So Crowley was terrified, a little freaked out, extremely uncomfortable, and convinced that his punishment from Hell had something to do with Aziraphale. And possibly with kissing.

More specifically, that Hell had either found a way to possess Aziraphale264 and force him to kiss Crowley, and Go-, Sa-, Someone knew what else265, or a demon had taken Aziraphale’s form and kissed him, and planned to do Someone knew what else.

He honestly didn’t know which scenario was worse.

No, wait, he knew, it was worse if that was really Aziraphale, it was much, much worse. Because if that was just another demon, then all the harm that was done was that Crowley felt somewhat violated266, and considerably more terrified. Surely talking to Aziraphale again would be awkward, but he could forget this ever happened. Forget that his fantasies were delivered to him in a twisted way that left his feelings just as twisted267.

If that wasn’t Aziraphale, then it was just another thing that Hell did to him. And perhaps it was more cruel than other things that were done to him269, but it was still just Hell being Hell. He could learn to live with it.

If it was Aziraphale though…

Then it wasn’t just him who had a claim to feeling violated. And worse, he had done this to Aziraphale, or caused it to happen to him, which was the same thing after all270.

If he did that to Aziraphale, not only would he never forgive himself, but Aziraphale would never forgive him either. And he couldn’t lose Aziraphale, not after everything they had been through together.

He accepted that Aziraphale would never love him, not truly, that Aziraphale couldn’t bring himself to love a demon, even after being shown over and over again that their sides weren’t that different.

Oh, he loved Crowley in the general sense that he loved everyone, but that was it, that was all that this would ever be. A cold, detached love typical of Heaven. Possibly even less than he loved food or first editions. Which was fine. Not good, not what he wanted, but fine.

He could even accept that Aziraphale’s upbringing made him believe that Crowley couldn’t love. It hurt, of course it hurt, but he could accept it. As long as he didn’t think too much about it, as long as he didn’t allow himself to hope, then he could accept it.

He would never tell Aziraphale that he loved him, because he didn’t know if he could stand Aziraphale laughing at his face and condescendingly telling him that he was surely mistaken, but as long as he could trick himself into believing that Aziraphale only thought Crowley couldn’t love because he had never said the truth, never said that he could, then yes, he could accept it. With a blindfold around his eyes and putting his fingers in his ears, but he could accept it.

But he couldn’t accept that Aziraphale would be lost to him because Hell decided to give him what he wanted in the worst possible way. Like a deal with a demon out of human stories, because demons were never as creative as humans set them out to be271.

All he could do was hope that this wasn’t the case, that it wasn’t Aziraphale there.

So he ran as fast as he could in whatever form he could, until he was back at his flat. Until he was safe and hidden.

He wrote sigils on the doors, windows and walls. Protections against demons, so strong that he wouldn’t be able to leave these walls even if he wanted to. But he didn’t, he was staying there for a century or so, until he was confident that Hell had forgotten all about him.

And after that time, he would go looking for Aziraphale like nothing happened, and say that he was tired and decided to take a nap. That was it, a simple plan that he could execute. Nothing could go wrong with that.

Hopefully that cleared things out, in regards to his reaction.

\---

Aziraphale stared for far too long at the place where Crowley had been.

He should have ran after him, but he was paralyzed. The wave of love that hit him was too much, too fast.

Now that he knew this was Crowley, it was impossible not to feel him in that love, as if he was still standing right next to Aziraphale.

How had he missed this for all this time? This was so obviously _Crowley_ , it felt so much like him, had his presence just as surely as the Bentley or his discarded shades left at the bookshop. Aziraphale had been a fool, but hopefully it wasn’t too late to make things right.

He didn’t know why Crowley ran away, but he knew Crowley had his memories back. It was the only way to explain the love that he was sensing, vast enough to cover the whole world, so familiar that he felt as if it had always been there.

The ‘human charm’, as Agnes Nutter had called it, must have worked. Their belief was enough, their love was enough.

It was the only confirmation he would ever get that his conclusion was right, but it was even more than he needed.

Despite what he had been told, demons could love, not in the way of the angels, but in the way of humans272, and that was better.

It took a curse and a charm for him to realize that, but he was there now, and now that he knew that their love was possible, he couldn’t ignore his feelings anymore. He wanted everything that he never thought he could have. Everything he now realized he was the one denying himself.

Aziraphale was bursting with emotion and overflowing with love, and Crowley had pushed him and ran away.

He wondered if that was how Crowley felt like after Aziraphale lead him to believe they were together, went along with his kiss, and then accused him of being incapable of loving and all the other horrible things he did.

Aziraphale couldn’t understand what happened, what he did wrong273.

Crowley remembered now, he had to, it was the only way to explain why his love returned to its full power. And yet now that he remembered, despite loving Aziraphale even more, he didn’t want to be with him. It made no sense.

Except… except if Crowley couldn’t forgive him. Not if he remembered all the times that Aziraphale dismissed him as being just a demon and therefore inferior to him. Maybe love wasn’t enough to make it up for the way Aziraphale had treated him during the millennia that they knew each other.

Maybe having Aziraphale say to his face that he didn’t understand love and was motivated by lust, now that he remembered how unlike him that sounded, was too much.

Or maybe he felt betrayed by the way Aziraphale tricked him into thinking they were in a relationship, then attacked him for it. Or because how he took advantage of the situation, took advantage of Crowley, in so many small ways274.

Whatever the case, he had to discover what he did to frighten or anger Crowley, and he had to make it up to him.

After everything they’ve been through together, after all of his own mistakes that kept them apart, now that he knew the truth he couldn’t stand to be away from Crowley. They had to make things work.

If he could get past his prejudices, then certainly Crowley could get past his indignation or hesitation.

Aziraphale closed his eyes, trying to sense Crowley’s presence, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t sense any occult being, so Crowley had to be masking himself, unless he had gone to Hell, but that probably wasn’t the case. He also couldn’t sense the origin of that love, and that was harder to hide.

If Crowley had gone through so much work to mask his presence and his love, it was probably because he didn’t want to be found, especially not by Aziraphale, but he couldn’t allow things to end in such a bitter note.

He didn’t have much of a choice other than to look for Crowley the way a human would. And he figured he might as well start by going to Crowley’s flat.

\---

Crowley wished he could go to sleep, but he was too anxious for that. All he could think of was Aziraphale, and if this had ruined things between them.

He wished he still had some Holy Water, at least then he could defend himself against Hell if someone came to finish his punishment275.

He was hiding in his room, not because it was any safer than the other rooms in his flat, but because it was the only place where he felt he could be vulnerable. He sat on a corner in his human form, hugging his legs, bracing for an attack, until it was all too much.

Crowley didn’t even feel himself change, it was an instinctive way to feel safer, one that he hadn’t used since human became his preferred form. He was curled up in the corner, almost tying himself in a knot to hide his head between the folds of his body.

He curled up and waited to be attacked.

He didn’t even know who had attacked him the first time, a demon he had never seen before, following orders he knew nothing about. He didn’t even know who sent her, who wanted to hurt him in such a personal way.

So he didn’t know who would come for him now, it could be anyone. He didn’t know what would be done to him, but it wouldn’t be good. He had expect anyone, and be prepared to fight.

Then he heard a knock.

\---

Aziraphale stopped in front of Crowley’s door, hesitating.

He could sense the spells on the other side of the walls, potent magic that he had never seen on Earth, but it was all to protect against occult forces, nothing against the ethereal.

At least that meant that whatever Crowley was running away from, it couldn’t be Aziraphale, he wouldn’t have made this kind of mistake276.

So maybe the reason Crowley pushed him away and ran had nothing to do with Aziraphale, and everything to do with Hell. Maybe now he knew why he was cursed, and had to protect himself. Aziraphale just wished that Crowley would talk to him, they could fix things, as long as they talked to each other. They had stopped the Apocalypse together278, what was some revenge from Hell compared to that?

He was afraid of what he would find behind this door, afraid to confront Crowley and learn that Crowley hated him, but it was too late to turn back now. It had been too late since Crowley kissed him at the bookshop279.

Too late to turn back, he could only move forward.

Aziraphale knocked on the door, and waited.

No need to move _too_ forward.

\---

Crowley kept curled up on the corner, his head hidden as if he couldn’t be seen if he couldn’t see, and he waited.

He just hoped that, by the time they came for him, he would have recovered enough of his strength to do more than that.

\---

Anathema felt her baby kick, and stared into the distance. She wondered if she should have done more to help them after all. She had never seen someone so in denial since thought she was straight. Then she shrugged, they would probably figure things out by themselves, otherwise, old Agnes would have said something in the letter.

And besides, she was already beginning to forget about their true natures, as per Adam’s manipulation of the world, but that would only work if she didn’t keep facing evidence of what they were. The letter had brought back some memories, but by now they were simply mortals involved with magic in her mind, and in a few days, she would barely even remember they existed.

\---

Aziraphale had been waiting outside for a few minutes now, and he wondered if he should knock again.

Of course, he could miracle the door open, but that would be rude. That was Crowley’s space after all, he had to give him some respect.

Still, it was horrible, standing there in the corridor, Crowley just a few meters away, and him having to stay there, trapped by social conventions.

He was so distracted by his thoughts that he didn’t notice the old lady approaching him.

“Did you two have a fight, darling?” she asked, in a sweet tone.

He jumped back, slightly startled. “Oh, I’m sorry, I was distracted280.”

She smiled softly at him281. “I asked if you had a fight with your pretty young thing.”

He looked at her, then at the door, realization dawning on him. “Oh, it’s a bit complicated.”

“Was it the age? What do you have on him, fifteen, twenty years? Laura282 is nineteen years younger than me, so I understand it can be hard now, but in a decade or so it won’t make any difference.”

In a convoluted way, Aziraphale supposed she was right. Age had played a part in this, in a rather strange way, if he was to consider that a Crowley without his memories was six thousand years younger than him, and his youthful naïvité made him act the way that he did, thus prompting Aziraphale to action.

“In a way, I suppose. We had a fight, and I thought I explained myself and that he forgave me, but then he ran away, and I was hoping we could talk.” It was close enough to the truth. He didn’t want to lie to this poor old lady, or ignore her. She was just being kind, after all. A bit nosy, but kind283.

“Not too serious I hope. What did you do, if you don’t mind me asking? Maybe I have some wisdom left in these old bones to give to you.”

Aziraphale wondered how he could put it in mortal terms, but the core of it was simple, wasn’t it? “He tried to tell me that he loved me, and I told him that his lot couldn’t even understand love, only lust.”

He had barely finished the last word when the bag made contact with his arm. Not once, not twice, but three times. It didn’t hurt284, but he still recoiled.

“Mister! That’s the most awful thing that I have ever heard!” she practically yelled, furious at him285.

“Yes, I am aware, which is why…”

“I wasn’t finished! Now, you listen here, I don’t care what young Mr. Crowley does to pay the bills286, although it is very hypocritical of you to judge him for it287, but I’ve known him for years288, and he’s the loveliest young man that I have ever known. He’s always nice to us, he helps us with our bags and is always offering advice to Laura about her plants. And I know for a fact that he loves you, because he never stops talking about how wonderful his ‘old friend’289,” she actually did air quotes, “with the bookshop is.”

“He talks about me?” He hadn’t meant to interrupt, but that was a pleasant surprise.

He couldn’t imagine Crowley being nice to the neighbors, friends with them even, and much less that Crowley would gush about him to them. It made his heart swell with love, and if he wasn’t careful, any minute now he would be floating290.

“All the time, and by what he says about you I thought you would be different. He talks about you like you’re an angel291, but I can see that you are nothing but a hedonistic old queen that thinks a little money can mean you get to treat someone like garbage292.”

“Now, wait a minute, madam,” he started.

“No, you wait a minute, you should get out of here right this instant. I hope young Mr. Crowley doesn’t forgive you, because he deserves better than someone who only sees him as a, pardon my language, hot piece of arse.”

Things were getting out of hand, his attempt to be polite only seemed to be causing more trouble, and he doubted Crowley would appreciate the reputation Aziraphale was giving him293.

And in a way, she had a point. Not for the reasons she thought, but she was still right about her core message.

So he tried a different approach.

“I know I have treated him terribly, not only today but for years now. But I also know that I love him, and that he loves me, and I would fight Heaven and Hell to stay by his side.”

She squinted her eyes, considering his words.

“These are just words, pretty words, but still just words, and it’s a lot easier to hurt someone with words than it is to fix them. If that’s all you have, then you might as well go home.”

“You’re right,” he sighed. “But I have to start somewhere and I can’t do this if he won’t listen to me294.”

“Do you really love him?” she asked in a tone that made him think she would toss him out the window if his answer wasn’t good enough295.

“To eternity. I’ve known that I love him for a very long time now, I think I was just afraid that he wouldn’t love me. Or maybe I was afraid that I loved him too much, so I couldn’t admit it296.”

“Then you are an idiot. I can see that he loves you and I’m so blind I’m not allowed to drive anymore297.”

“Yes, I do suppose I have been an idiot.”

“Then I’ll give you some advice that someone told me a very long time ago, if you love each other, and your love is real, forget about the rest of the world, because only the two of you matter298. So get in there and make it up to him, properly. But if you do get in, you better leave in five minutes or not until the morning. Or I’ll make sure you won’t be able to _use_ anyone ever again.”

With that she turned, and went to the stairs, disappearing from view.

Aziraphale kept staring at the place where she had been. He had a vague recollection of talking to a young woman, well, just shy of fifty, but they were all so young, sometime ago. He recalled her crying because she was in love with a younger woman who said she would refuse the two suitors that had asked for her hand, as long as she agreed they ran away together. By what he could remember, she felt conflicted about risking the other’s future, but loved her deeply, and he had advised her to take a chance, and gave her a small blessing on their union. Nothing much, just enough to keep them safe299.

No, it couldn’t be her, that would be too much of a coincidence300. But it would have been nice, knowing that they turned out ok.

Not to mention it would be funny, having his own advice be told back to him when he needed it the most.

Because that was exactly the point that took him too long to see, Heaven or Hell didn’t matter, not anymore, and they hadn’t since both of them chose Earth. And they chose Earth long before the Apocalypse came.

They chose Earth, and because they did, they were freed from their sides, free to choose each other.

And the hard part was done already. The world was saved, they faced Heaven and Hell, and they confessed their feelings for each other after so long.

If the Great Plan couldn’t get in their way, then this argument wouldn’t be the thing that would break them apart.

Aziraphale didn’t know why exactly Crowley ran away, but he wouldn’t learn that waiting around in the corridor.

Taking a deep breath, he gave one last knock on the door and, after a few seconds without any noise from the inside, he miracled it open.

\---

Crowley sensed the door being opened despite the protections, and he reflexively shrunk, as if he could hide.

He should be getting ready to fight, he couldn’t give up now, giving up when it came to Hell wouldn’t give him any mercy.

Even if fighting was pointless, it was still better than hiding in a corner and waiting for them to take him. Hell was like this, it only made things worse if you showed weakness. If he went down fighting, at least it would be quick, at least there wouldn’t be any extended torture involved.

And fighting _was_ pointless, if Hell came for him. He always knew that. He didn’t have a rank to speak of, the commendations he did deserve instead of just took credit for were mostly for things that required smarts, not raw power, and imagination or not, there was only so much he could focus at a time301. One demon, even of much higher rank, he could deal with, if both fight and flight were options302. A couple, if he was feeling lucky. But all of Hell? Destruction would come as a relief after they were done with him.

But he couldn’t force himself to face whatever was coming his way.

They took the most secret thing that he had, deep within his heart, his most human side, and used it against him. He would much have preferred the torture, it would hurt less, and at least then Aziraphale wouldn’t get involved.

This was the worst thing they could have done to him, short of actually torturing his angel303.

And still, he had to fight. He had to gather his courage and be prepared to take on whomever had breached his flat, even if that meant they had to be powerful enough to get through his wards.

He would only get one chance, so he had to make it count.

\---

Aziraphale couldn’t help but notice the envelope just by the door, as soon as he walked in. It was profane to the core, it even smelled of Hell304.

He thought about picking up and opening it. Maybe it contained some much needed answers, after all. But he wasn’t sure of the effect that touching something like this would have on him. It wasn’t as potent as Hellfire, so it wouldn’t destroy him, but it still seemed dangerous to touch305.

This had to be connected with Crowley’s punishment, and if he thought anything about that letter could hurt Crowley, he would have found a way to safely open it himself, but Aziraphale couldn’t sense any hostility coming from it306. No more than what was natural, coming from Hell. So maybe it was safer to ask Crowley about this first, if he could find him.

Crowley was inside the flat, he could sense him, but not very well. The sigils on the walls were strong, the type of thing Aziraphale didn’t even know he had access to.

Aziraphale had just taken a couple steps inside the flat when he thought better of it, turned back to the door and closed it, adding a few protections of his own. As much as Crowley had done a good job, there were sigils that were exclusive to angels, and they would help keep whatever Crowley was afraid of outside the flat. Of course, Crowley couldn’t leave either, but he wouldn’t be able to do that with the protections Crowley had placed himself anyway.

There was really only one place that Crowley could be hiding in, so Aziraphale didn’t waste any time looking around the flat.

He had never been to Crowley’s bedroom before, but it was obvious where it was, with everything else in the flat being so open, and only one room having a closed door307.

“Crowley?” he called softly, not wanting to startle him.

If Crowley was expecting visitors from Hell, surprising him wouldn’t be a good idea. With this many sigils and spells around them, detecting any kind of energy was extremely difficult308.

When no answer came, he approached the bedroom door.

He touched it and pressed his forehead against the wood, closing his eyes as he tried to sense the presence inside, using some of his own power to see past the protections without breaking them. Crowley was there, and this was his Crowley, the one who remembered him. The one who loved Aziraphale, and his plants, and his car, and this flat, or least some things in it.

Crowley, the demon who loved as a human and chose to be on humanity’s side.

His Crowley was finally back.

“Crowley, it’s me,” he whispered against the door, “it’s Aziraphale.”

He couldn’t hear anything inside. Should he just come in?

\---

Aziraphale’s voice sent a chill down his spine309.

Snakes don’t have ears, and so they can’t hear, not as such. They can feel vibrations on the floor, and he had felt Aziraphale’s steps as he entered the flat, but it wasn’t the same thing.

However, demons don’t need ears to hear. Strictly speaking, they don’t need bodies to hear. Vision and hearing were the two things that they could do even in their true forms, and so could be done regardless of the physical form he was currently occupying. Well, in a way. Neither one of them worked particularly well without a brain attached to it, to interpret what was being seen and heard.

That didn’t mean to say that they weren’t bound by the limitations of the physical bodies they were currently occupying.

Crowley always had a bit of a bad vision, when it was too sunny outside. That was what he liked about London, it was rarely too bright to see. Add to that shades, and he was good to go. He still had trouble with smaller details310, but in general he could see well enough to get by. His eyes always worked better at night, being at least partially the eyes of a snake even in his human form, and he could see in complete darkness311 best of all, because then the vision mostly bypassed his physical eyes, but was still delivered to the brain.

As far as hearing went, he could hear much better in his human form than he could as a serpent, but he could still hear without ears, even if it wasn’t exactly hearing. It was more like receiving the information directly into his brain. All he needed was to focus enough on it312.

And he was focusing on his hearing, because that was another sense that he could use to tell him if anyone was coming for him.

He was using all the senses that he had, including the ones not tied to his physical form, because he needed all the warning he could get, in case someone broke through his wards.

He just hadn’t expected that someone would be his angel.

And it had to be his angel, it couldn’t be a trick, not a trick from Hell at least. He knew the spells he had placed around the flat, sigils older than Earth itself, the kind of thing not even a Prince of Hell would be able to move past. Heavens, Satan himself couldn’t breach them without some serious consequences.

What was Aziraphale even doing there?

If it wasn’t him at that rooftop, then he would have no reason to come looking for Crowley. Well, aside from a missed date313. But Aziraphale wouldn’t invade his flat over a missed date, he was too English for that314. He would call, then call again the next day, then leave a somewhat worried message on the second day. He might come knocking after a week. But he wouldn’t come inside unless he saw Holy Water leaking from under the door315.

And if it was Aziraphale at the rooftop… then what was he even doing there? Had he come to complain that Crowley had gotten him involved in some affairs from Hell?

Or worse, did he think that Crowley had done that to him on purpose and came to demand an explanation316?

He couldn’t tell what was Aziraphale’s tone, not without ears317, and he didn’t want to change his form.

If he was human now, he would only be hugging himself, looking absolutely miserable, and that would make it too humiliating to face Aziraphale, more than it already was. At least as a snake staying curled up in a pool was normal, and he could pretend it had nothing to do with the way he was feeling. And not acknowledging the way he was feeling was his favorite pastime.

So he stayed there, and he waited for Aziraphale’s next move.

In the darkest corners of his mind, he was grateful for Aziraphale’s presence. Even if Aziraphale wanted revenge, he would rather die at the hands of his angel than through the forces of Hell. Aziraphale could be a bastard, but he wasn’t needlessly cruel. Things would at least end quickly318.

\---

Everything about his manners told Aziraphale that he had no right to open that door, that he should wait there until Crowley was good and ready to open the door for him.

Especially because he couldn’t ignore the possibility that Crowley was angry at him. Aziraphale had taken advantage of his moment of vulnerability and kissed him twice, after all. He didn’t want to think of it in those terms, because then he would have to face how horrible what he did was, but the truth was that he abused Crowley’s trust in his most vulnerable state to fulfill his own desires, then twisted the situation to make himself the wronged party.

At the same time, he didn’t know if Crowley was experiencing any side effects of the curse, even now that it was lifted.

If Crowley was still suffering any lingering effects, Aziraphale had a moral duty to check on him and nurse him back to health319.

It was also possible that he knew he would be attacked by Hell again, in which case Aziraphale had to protect him. He didn’t need a flaming sword to smithe some demons, even if it would help. And if they happened to be too much for him, then he would rather go down fighting than sit idly by while Crowley was attacked.

Not because he had to make amends, but because he loved Crowley, and theirs was the only side he would fight for.

So odds were two against one that he should open that door, even if Crowley hadn’t answered.

Unless Crowley was furious at him, felt betrayed, was still hurt, and was about to be attacked by Hell, in which case it was a tie.

Well, if there was ever a moment where social norms asked to be broken, this was it.

“Crowley, I’m coming in,” he warned as he opened the door, for good measure. He didn’t want to be too impolite, after all.

\---

Crowley held his breath and recoiled, preparing to face whatever would happen now. He had shrunk to a fraction of his natural size, without meaning to.

He felt very small, and so very alone.

\---

260And failing.[return to text]

261As far as transitions went, it came as a huge shock.[return to text]

262Think of it like restoring a backup after a system crash. Or perhaps buying a new mobile, using it for a little while, and then deciding you would rather import your previous mobile’s configurations instead of setting it up from new, even though doing so would effectively erase every modification done in the meantime263.[return to text]

263Angels, being created ready for use, were much like a mobile ready for consumer use, with lots of unnecessary apps and perhaps not the best settings. Demons, on the other hand, were a bit more like a rooted mobile trying to run a modified operating system instead of building a new one. Both of those groups could work fine for trying to restore an earlier setting while keeping basic function, unlike humans, who needed all those pesky progressive experiences to operate correctly. Of course, Crowley was so influenced by humanity that he was acting more like a human with amnesia than a demon with his memories erased, but that was neither here nor there.[return to text]

264Could a demon possess an angel? No one had ever tried, so the answer wasn’t known. Unless it was meant in a sexual way, then the answer was still no one had ever tried, so the answer wasn’t known. Although there were rumors about a case in Japan, but it was never confirmed.[return to text]

265He really didn’t want to think about where things were going from there, since demons generally considered kissing as a means to an end. Either sealing a pact, usually over a soul, or, well, something that would be even worse, from Crowley’s perspective.[return to text]

266Mostly because his innermost thoughts were exposed, not so much because he might have kissed another demon, although that thought was also disgusting. Well, maybe also because of being kissed, it was confusing, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to think about that.[return to text]

267It was horrible, how something could feel so good and so bad at the same time. On one hand, kissing Aziraphale, having Aziraphale so close to him, was thrilling, in a way that shouldn’t be because of the context, but still was. On the other, being kissed without knowing what was going on, without having any say in it, under circumstances that made it a punishment, made him feel vulnerable and exposed and, fine, a bit violated as well. He didn’t want to admit it, it didn’t seem very demon-like of him to be bothered by one kiss268.[return to text]

268It wasn’t even the first time someone tried to kiss him by surprise. But other times it happened, it was with a human, and he had enough context to just decide to go along with it, or either grow his fangs to bite or otherwise use his powers to do something nasty to teach that particular human about the importance of consent. Basically, it was the first time he didn’t know how to react, and this enhanced his lack of agency and thus how violated he felt.[return to text]

269He was a demon, he could withstand most physical torture. He didn’t enjoy pain, but after being boiled alive and all of the other things a fall entailed, there wasn’t really much Hell could do that would be considerably worse. Psychological torture, on the other hand, wasn’t in Hell’s typical repertoire.[return to text]

270Not really. But since this wasn’t the case there’s no need to go down that road.[return to text]

271Even Crowley, being the most creative of demons, couldn’t reach the human standard of devious creativity.[return to text]

272Provided that they had lived among humans for long enough for them to pick on some human practices. Love was one of the trickiest ones to learn.[return to text]

273Aziraphale was an expert at ignoring what he did wrong, even though in this case Crowley’s reaction was mostly not his fault. Not because he wasn’t at fault, since he behaved horribly, but because Crowley’s reaction at that time was unrelated to Aziraphale’s misbehavior.[return to text]

274All excellent guesses, that would probably have played a large part, if Crowley’s memories of the past few days were intact. Especially the way Aziraphale took advantage of him and kissed him twice while Crowley was in no position to properly consent might have influenced how violated Crowley felt, even if the second kiss was technically necessary for Crowley’s own good. Luckily for Aziraphale, Crowley didn’t remember his most recent egregious offenses.[return to text]

275Or at least he could make sure that his end would be quick, if it got to that. He wished it didn’t, he had grown rather fond of living, these past few years. Besides, Aziraphale would feel guilty over helping him with the Holy Water.[return to text]

276Despite evidence to the contrary277, Crowley was extremely intelligent, and careful too, when it mattered. As much as his plans were laughed at in Hell, they demanded a brilliant mind to conjure them, and even more so to be put into motion.[return to text]

277Which should probably be known as ‘symptoms indicative of attention deficit disorder’ in a human. Not something that affected intelligence, but accounted for some of his not very wise decision making.[return to text]

278Aziraphale was conveniently forgetting how little that involved their actions and how much it involved other people’s actions. But at least the together part was right.[return to text]

279Actually, it was too late since he kissed Crowley back.[return to text]

280Which here meant he hadn’t heard a word she said.[return to text]

281Despite Aziraphale’s real age, he appeared a good three or four decades younger than her, so she felt about him somewhat as she felt for her sister’s grandchildren. Not exactly mathernal, but somewhat condescently fond.[return to text]

282The woman who had called Aziraphale Crowley’s “sugar daddy”, making this the out of sight wife from earlier.[return to text]

283His more English-like side told him that nosy was an unforgivable offense, his more angelic side told him that being kind to strangers trumped that.[return to text]

284Other than his pride, being hit by a woman north of ninety. He was a soldier of God, a principality, the guardian of the Eartern Gate, and she had trouble raising her arms enough to hit him, but he still failed to avoid her blows.[return to text]

285There’s something about having an old British lady scold you that makes anyone, even immortal beings that are millennia old, feel like schoolboys who broke a window.[return to text]

286If she knew that the answer was “being a demonic influence on humanity”, her opinion of him wouldn’t change. She wasn’t the judgmental kind. “Don’t care” really did mean “don’t care”.[return to text]

287Ironic, since divine intervention could be just as disruptive as demonic intervention, which meant that she was right. At any rate, Heaven was known for being hypocritical, it was one of its defining characteristics.[return to text]

288Forty, actually. And she thought he was in his early thirties for all of them. It was easier to make people not notice these things than it was to keep moving every decade or so.[return to text]

289She never called him out on it, because she had also called Laura her old friend in front of uncertain public. Not since the seventies, but the boy was still young, as far as she knew, and this kind of ‘fuck you’ confidence could take a while to build. Besides, between queek folk, ‘old friend’ was generally understood to mean either a long term partner or a long lost love.[return to text]

290An angel in love was really something.[return to text]

291He never did say the word angel to them, not even as a pet name, so he would have found it both mortifying and immensely funny to hear her say that.[return to text]

292Harsh, but she was a bit sensitive about this. People accused her of the most awful things when she and Laura first got together, only because she had a somewhat substantial inheritance, and was far from being young.[return to text]

293He would be mortified, actually. Mostly at the implication that he was hopelessly in love with a man that was only using him. Demons were supposed to be the heartbreakers in any relationship, incidentally, one of the reasons why most relationships between demons didn’t work very well in the long term. A bit at the fact his neighbors thought he had sex.[return to text]

294Truth be told, he was hoping not to have to put any work into this, that Crowley running away had nothing to do with him. But talking to her made him realize that maybe he should make it up to Crowley even if that was the case.[return to text]

295She would try. She had a lot of upper body strength for someone her age.[return to text]

296It would be more accurate to say he was afraid of challenging his own perceptions and of change in general.[return to text]

297The two facts weren’t actually related. She lost her license because she tried to run over a group of men who were harassing some schoolgirls. But this was neither here nor there, because she wouldn’t have passed the medical exam the next time she went for a renewal anyway.[return to text]

298A nice old man told her this a little over forty years ago, just before she and Laura decided to move in together. She couldn’t remember much about him, though this gentleman reminded her of him. That was what was funny about age, given enough time everyone reminded you of someone else.[return to text]

299Sometimes he did do things that were part of his job description. Even if they were only part of his job description because he had filed the paperwork to extend his jurisdiction to include a particular group of people that he felt needed the extra protection, and that he was particularly fond of.[return to text]

300Not exactly. Crowley recognized Aziraphale’s blessing and decided to protect them as well. Although he also had his own reasons, like feeling oddly fond of them. Not that anyone could make him admit to that. Besides, London was a fairly large town, but both of them ran close enough around the same circles.[return to text]

301Focus wasn’t always his strong suit. But when it was, he could focus even more than he should, and ignore everything else. Which wouldn’t work out well if there were several demons attacking him.[return to text]

302Freeze, despite being a very common reaction, wouldn’t help when it came to Hell. It was also his reaction at that moment.[return to text]

303There were actually many other worse things that could be done to him.[return to text]

304Sulfur, brimstone, and used car dealership’s air fresheners.[return to text]

305A bit toxic, but not entirely dangerous.[return to text]

306Besides the normal hostility inherent of Hell.[return to text]

307The flat didn’t have a guest bathroom because Crowley had forgotten about bathrooms when he first decorated it, which involved changing a lot of the walls. By the time he remembered, because he wanted to take a warm bath, he figured it was easier just making a suit. Of course, if someone were to draw a plant of the flat they might notice that the space of the suit’s bathroom didn’t seem to actually exist, not unless it was occupying the same physical space as the greenhouse. But it only took a small miracle to make physics somewhat flexible.[return to text]

308Wouldn’t it be funny, if Aziraphale found him, only for Crowley to attack him thinking Aziraphale was a demon. But don’t worry, that’s not what’s going to happen.[return to text]

309Which in this case meant, from the point where his skull connected to the body to the tip of his tail. It was rather more uncomfortable than it would have been in his human form.[return to text]

310Reading was hard, although he enjoyed it, enjoyed everything about the pursuit of knowledge. Of course he would never admit either enjoying reading or having difficulty with it to Aziraphale.[return to text]

311Which snakes can’t do, not exactly. A few snakes, such as pythons and pit vipers, possess a so called pit organ that allows them to sense infrared thermal radiation, therefore ‘seeing’ even in complete darkness by detecting heat, although it would perhaps be better to describe this as an entirely new sense other than trying to compare it more usual senses from other creatures. This was entirely irrelevant for three reasons. First, because Crowley wasn’t one of these snakes. Second, he didn’t know some snakes could do that, and would feel cheated that he couldn’t, if he ever found out, especially because if any serpent had the right to be called “pit” it should be the one that crawled up from Hell, the quintessential pit by definition. And third, demons can see in complete darkness via their innate powers.[return to text]

312None of this was actually relevant either, it simply represents a better view of the senses that Crowley could use in his serpent form, and also provides a buffer between the moment Crowley heard Aziraphale’s voice to his first thoughts on the subject, as a way to present for how long his mind seemed to be stuck on the sensation of hearing his voice again and couldn’t move past that sensation to form rational thoughts.[return to text]

313Well, he only called them dates to himself. He didn’t want to scare Aziraphale away by asking for too much.[return to text]

314Even Crowley sometimes had trouble remembering this wasn’t technically true, since Aziraphale’s influence helped create the English stereotype.[return to text]

315Not exactly true, but a close enough approximation.[return to text]

316Or kill him. Destroy him properly, with his flaming sword or making it rain Holy Water. Crowley had nightmares like this, occasionally. When the guilt and self-hatred became too much for his more regular disturbing nightmares. He didn’t really believe that Aziraphale would, but his subconscious had a wicked sense of humor. Punishment always hurt worse when it came from those you loved. Which was why it was so easy to believe that that kiss was a punishment from Hell.[return to text]

317Alright, so maybe the information about how he heard was relevant after all. If one considered tone of voice an important part of a conversation.[return to text]

318Under normal circumstances, he would never think Aziraphale would destroy him. Not outside of his worst nightmares. But the thing about being freed from a potent curse from Hell was that it took a toll on the body and the mind. He would need time to recover from his current fragile state.[return to text]

319He had had, over the millennia, fantasies about nursing Crowley back to health. However, he refused to acknowledge any of them now. This was serious, and he had already made too big a mess of things by indulging in his romantic fantasies. Besides, reality was much harsher than his fantasies, and it made him worry too much about Crowley.aa[return to text]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay folks, my mom is still in the hospital with pneumonia and atelectasis. She's doing a lot better, but I still have to spend most of the time with her in the hospital. I'm taking with me an old laptop, but it sometimes doesn't turn on and the touchpad doesn't work properly. I'll try to get the next chapter ready by next week since the revision is ready and it's just missing the html, but maybe it will take two weeks if the computer doesn't cooperate. I'm planting the seeds of a sequel (although this will still have a very definitive end, so reading the sequel won't be necessary at all).


	8. Answers

At first, Aziraphale thought that he was wrong, and Crowley wasn’t there, even though he could still faintly sense his presence. The room seemed to be empty, aside from a large bed with black silk sheets320, and a matching set of nightstands on each side.

He had to strain his eyes321 to see the tiny snake curled up in the corner322, no bigger than a common garden snake. With his eyes hidden, Crowley was simply a black pile of scales, small and out of place in that huge white room.

“Crowley, dear, what happened to you?” he asked, taking a few tentative steps closer. He didn’t want to impose, but this looked nothing like the huge snake he had seen just a couple days before, which only made him more scared that Crowley was still suffering some side effects from his curse.

Even if he couldn’t sense Crowley, he would still know it was him, just as he had identified him before on the street. This was Crowley, even if he seemed so small and weak. And Aziraphale had to find out what was wrong with him, so he could help him.

Crowley hissed at him without raising his head from inside the pile, and Aziraphale should have taken that as a sign to keep away, but instead he keeled in front of Crowley and offered a hand to him, not quite touching him.

Aziraphale didn’t think Crowley would attack him, but if he was scared and confused, there was no telling what he could do to defend himself. Aziraphale could protect himself, especially if Crowley was as weak as he looked, but he didn’t want to add to Crowley’s guilt, which would certainly happen when Crowley was back to his normal self.

“What have they done to you?” he asked again, not exactly expecting an answer, but needing one anyway.

He wondered if Crowley’s memories had been taken again, and if he was wrong in his conclusions about the love he was sensing, even if there was something so _Crowley_ about it.

“Please, my dear, I need to know that you’re alright.”

If another demon had attacked Crowley again, there was no place in the nine circles for them to hide, because Aziraphale would make them think Holy Water was merciful.

He could be many things, but he was still a warrior, even though he chose not to be, and he could be just as cruel as the rest of Heaven if needed.

\---

With Aziraphale so close, Crowley couldn’t keep himself hidden anymore.

There was still a part of him that tried to convince him that this had to be a trick, even though it couldn’t be. And another part that said Aziraphale hated him, even though Crowley wouldn’t need to hear tone to realize that Aziraphale was worried about him.

If this was a trick, there was nothing he could do to protect himself. It would be impossible for him to know if this was someone pretending to be Aziraphale or Aziraphale being controlled, and this was a risk he wasn’t willing to take. He would rather die at the hand of a friend than risk killing one.

And if Aziraphale hated him, Crowley couldn’t blame him. He wouldn’t deny Aziraphale a chance to face him and tell him off.

He was a serpent as much as he was human323, so changing between one and the other was as natural as raising and lowering his chest while he breathed. Which was to say, a matter of tensing and releasing muscles324.

He kept himself in the corner as he changed, so recoiled in himself that he still felt as small as he had been as a serpent, even if he was now his normal size.

“Angel,” he said, raising his head, and wishing too late that he had remembered his shades, “what happened?”

He felt absolutely vulnerable, but somehow he knew that, with Aziraphale there, he was safe. As much as his anxiety tried to tell him otherwise, a bigger part of him knew that he could trust Aziraphale.

\---

Aziraphale went to cup his face, but thought better of it. Their track record with that particular gesture these past few days wasn’t the most appropriate for the moment.

Crowley looked like a lost child, and Aziraphale would do anything to see him able to fake some confidence again. Not because he wanted the confidence to be fake, but because he knew how much Crowley hated showing vulnerability.

“I don’t know, you ran from me without explanation. What is the last thing you remember?”

He had to know, had to know if the curse was truly broken. And yet, he couldn’t bring himself to mention their kiss. This would be the thing that could change them forever, perhaps more so than stopping the Apocalypse together, and he couldn’t bring himself to be the last drop.

\---

So that had been Aziraphale, no wonder he hesitated to touch Crowley now, like Crowley was toxic. Or worse, like Crowley was going to attack him, do something against him if there was contact between them.

Crowley wondered if it was too late to turn back into a snake, maybe sleep for a couple of decades before continuing this conversation. Or never continuing this conversation, that was good too.

But he couldn’t run away and he couldn’t hide. He didn’t have enough self-preservation to leave Aziraphale. He never had enough self-preservation to keep himself from doing the right thing.

“I saw a demon, she said I was being punished. She tossed a curse at me. Then,” he swallowed hard, trying not to remember what he felt next, “you were there. And we were… Was that you? What did they do to you?”

He didn’t want to know the answer. Didn’t want to hear about Hell involving his angel in their twisted games. But he had to know, and the truth was more important than his own comfort.

Even if the truth was something he thought he couldn’t live with.

At least it was far from the first time that needing to know the truth got him in trouble.

\---

Aziraphale shifted, uncomfortable. Crowley didn’t know, he didn’t know anything.

Well, he knew, he knew a great many deal of things, six thousand years and more, all he didn’t know was three little days. Three days that changed everything325.

In just three days, Aziraphale’s life had turnt so completely. Things hadn’t moved this fast since the final days leading up to the Apocalypse. And he didn’t do well with a fast paced life.

Oh, he had gotten exactly what he wished for, his Crowley, exactly as he was before the curse, not pressing Aziraphale to fight his own prejudices, content with the scraps of a relationship they had.

A Crowley that Aziraphale now knew loved him, and had loved him for so long Aziraphale couldn’t remember a time he didn’t sense that love, but who didn’t know anything about Aziraphale’s feelings or his acknowledgment of Crowley’s feelings.

It was tempting to turn back now, if only so he wouldn’t have to lay himself bare again, to admit all over again his prejudices, his doubts about Heaven and God’s love, his hurtful words and actions.

It would be so easy. Think of a story for Crowley, about how the kiss of an angel could break the curse, and he wouldn’t mind helping a friend, no need to mention it. He could reassure Crowley, comfort him, and things would stay the same between them. Nothing had to change, and there was something alluring about constance326.

But he would only be hiding his own mistakes. He would be prioritizing his comfort over Crowley Knowing, and there was nothing that Crowley valued more than knowing.

If he lied, he knew what they would keep on having, and it was safer than risking everything by telling the truth, not knowing what this would do to them. But the right thing was rarely the safest thing.

“Yes, I was with you at the rooftop. I… I kissed you. No one did anything to me, but I had to do it to break your curse. It was the only way to save you.”

He had to tell the truth.

Even if in this case, telling the truth could mean learning that this Crowley wasn’t as willing to forgive him as the other version of him was.

It was a risk he had to take.

\---

Crowley only realized that he had stopped breathing when his body started to complain it was uncomfortable327.

“I don’t… I don’t understand.” _Your words, what’s happening, where did the world I knew how it worked has gone to_.

This didn’t make any sense. How could that be the real Aziraphale? How could he not have been forced or influenced?

“You were cursed three days ago. As far as we could tell, you lost all your memories since first coming to Earth. You still thought you were supposed to go to the Garden. And kissing you was the only way to break the curse328.”

That made even less sense. Hell wasn’t the kind to erase someone’s memories and leave them to go on their merry way. If Hell wanted to punish you, it usually involved removal of body parts, a few centuries in a cell, or just being cut to pieces and dipped in Holy Water. It depended on whether they wanted to teach you or someone else. It was usually someone else.

“That doesn’t sound like Hell,” he said absentmindedly. Not because it contributed anything to the conversation, but because he didn’t know what to say.

“Oh, that reminds me329! There was a letter for you by the front door, it seemed to come from Hell, but I wasn’t sure if I should touch it.”

Alright, that wasn’t an answer at all, and Crowley still wanted some follow up questions about the kiss, but he could see how uncomfortable Aziraphale was with all of this330.

And if he was honest with himself, a letter from Hell seemed more pressing than learning how exactly the curse was broken. Especially when Aziraphale seemed so keen on beating around the bush for as long as he could. Crowley snapped his fingers, and the letter materialized in his hand.

“They don’t send many letters these days. Most of the messages come through electronics. Which was my idea, by the way, even if I’m not a fan of how they implemented it,” he said, trying for nonchalant331, while he opened the envelope.

“Well, what does it say?” Aziraphale asked, not even giving him time to open the envelope.

Crowley raised an eyebrow and made a show of unfolding the letter at Aziraphale332, going through the motions of their usual light bantering. At least this was familiar, a safe harbor in the middle of the storm his life became so suddenly.

It seemed like a standardized letter, copied using a Banda machine333, with only the personal information filled in with a typewriter334. Trust Hell to use the most inefficient way possible to fill its paperwork, especially considering they had miracles at their disposal to bypass such things, and still chose to use the most infuriating and least reliable mediums.

_Your opinion doesn’t matter to us!_

_Letter of punishment rating._

_We at the sector of curses and punishment would demand that you answer this letter, **demon Crawly, serpent, first tempter** , regarding your punishment **corruption** , due to the offense of **preventing the death of human child Anthony, aged 3, in the 17th of January 254 A.C., causing said child to grow into sainthood**._

_The details of your punishment are as follows:_

_[ ] discorporation_  
_[ ] destruction via Holy Water_  
_[ ] being fed to Hellhound_  
_[ ] transformation into maggot and/or similar_  
_[ ] removal of limbs_  
_[ ] removal of organs_  
_[ ] organs replaced with wasps and/or similar_  
_[ ] transfer of organs and/or body parts to different position_  
_[ ] plucking of feathers_  
_[ ] eating own wings and/or other body parts_  
_[ **X** ] erasure of irrelevant memories_  
_[ ] being given to demon ___________  
_[ ] being given to angel ____________  
_[ ] punishment to be decided by executioner_  
_[ ] forbidden punishments (demands personal approval by Satan)_

_We curse you not to enjoy your punishment of **corruption**!_

_In regards to this punishment, and this punishment alone, how would you rate our services?_

_[ ] an angel could do better_  
_[ ] is that all you’ve got?_  
_[ ] I thought you were trying to seduce me_  
_[ ] give me more_  
_[ ] satisfactory_  
_[ ] I’ll punish you_  
_[ ] I’ve learnt my lesson_  
_[ ] you thwarted me so hard I thought you were the vindictive God_  
_[ ] Satan himself would have been more merciful_

_How likely are you to recommend our services (optional)_

_[ ] to friends_  
_[ ] to enemies_  
_[ ] can I hire you to get back at my boss?_  
_[ ] can I eat the demon who was sent to punish me?_  
_[ ] do you do revenge for your own punishments?_

Crowley didn’t know what to think of that, so he turned the letter for Aziraphale to read in his hand. No need to risk Aziraphale getting a burn just so he could read it, and besides, he wouldn’t want to send it back to Hell smelling like an angel. That might send the wrong message335.

Aziraphale frowned. “You saved the life of a saint336?”

Crowley made a face at the memory of Saint Anthony, or Toto, how he knew the boy in life, before he turned into a pretentious hermit.

“He wasn’t a saint yet. And you know what I feel about children, if they die too young their souls aren’t corrupted337.”

“Oh, well. At least it’s nothing too serious.”

Crowley laughed338, marking “I’ve learnt my lesson” and “to enemies” with his nail339. Then he disappeared the letter back to Hell. They wouldn’t stop bugging him unless he completed the evaluation, so he might as well get this over with. If losing his memories was the only punishment he got, then he got off easy and wouldn’t be seeking any revenge.

“I knew this would come back to bite me.”

No good deed goes unpunished, especially if you were a demon. Then every good deed was painfully punished. He said so from the beginning, a demon could get into real trouble, doing the right thing. And he had a bad habit of doing the right thing.

Why did the kid have to turn into a saint?

“Well, it wasn’t that bad. He’s not even one of the biggest saints. I bet most people don’t even remember him by now,” Aziraphale offered awkwardly.

Crowley stared at him. “Oh, if I just created a minor saint then it’s all jolly good, I’ll post a complaint with Hell over this punishment.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t go that far…”

Sarcasm never got him very far. But he wouldn’t take the bait, this was no time for banter, as comfortable as that was.

“Angel, now that we know that Hell isn’t coming after me for the whole deal with the Apocalypse, I think you have something else to tell me?”

He didn’t want to push, he really didn’t, but… curses from Hell weren’t an easy thing to break, and he doubted ‘an angel kissed it better’ was often a solution340.

He could sense something from Aziraphale. Something like a desire, a certain inclination. There was something that he wanted to do and thought was forbidden. His demonic sense wasn’t as simple as the angelic capacity to sense love. Desire was a much more complicated thing, much more conflicting. To find out exactly what Aziraphale wanted, he would need more, he would need to press him, but he wouldn’t.

It was one thing to sense that Aziraphale wanted a second helping of desert but thought he shouldn’t order any. That was only an innocent temptation.

This was… this was much more, and he couldn’t, wouldn’t tempt Aziraphale to lean into his desires. All he wanted was to know what happened.

\---

Aziraphale sighed. There was no way for him to get out of this.

“Alright, I’ll tell you everything, but please bear with me, there have been extremely long three days.”

“I have the time,” Crowley said, so gently.

Well, there was actually a very simple way for him to get out of this, by literally getting out of there, but he couldn’t take that route.

“Very well then. As I said, three days ago you were cursed to forget your life on Earth, and returned to your snake form. You believed you had to find the Garden, and couldn’t understand the world around you. I found you on the street near my shop. Since people were getting agitated on the street, I decided to take you with me, so I placed you in my coat. Well, tossed my coat on you.”

“Wait, you tossed your coat on a snake you didn’t even know was me?” Crowley interrupted, worriedly341.

Aziraphale didn’t know how to explain that he wouldn’t have confused another snake for Crowley because he knew him so well. There was no way to say that that wouldn’t be awkward.

“You see, the authorities had been called,” he added pointlessly.

“Still, angel, you have to be more careful, a bite can discorporate you, and there’s no way Heaven is gonna give you another body.”

Crowley had a point342, but they already had too much to discuss without his recklessness coming into play.

“Funny you should mention that, because as soon as we got inside, you tried to attack me,” Aziraphale said, trying to get them back on track.

“I did _what_?”

Aziraphale was a little knocked back by the tone. If Crowley was disturbed by that, he didn’t want to imagine what his reaction would be to the rest of the story.

“Please, dear, from your perspective you had just been kidnapped by the enemy. And I promise you didn’t hurt me. When you got too close, I miracle you back into human form. I didn’t even know that was possible, but I suppose you were still weak from the curse.”

Strength of will was, after all, a big component of their powers.

“I can’t believe I attacked you,” he said distantly.

“Don’t worry about it, you believed when me I said we knew each other. You trusted me, and asked me to tell you about your life, which I did. Although I suppose I colored through my own, uh, what the humans would call heart eyes. Or was it rose tinted glasses? Certainly one of those ridiculous new expressions.”

Aziraphale paused, waiting for Crowley to ask for clarification, but he didn’t343.

“Well,” he continued, “then I took you to dinner. That lovely Italian place where they always give us an extra desert344. And the waiter, you remember him, Carlos, the one who has a husband named Antonio345.”

“I remember the waiter, yes,” he said, as if anticipating Aziraphale might go on a tangent.

Crowley knew him so well…

“He talked to us as if we were a couple, as he always does. And well, I didn’t tell you this was a little inside joke between us. After this, we came here and you watered the plants, then we went back to the shop and I called every princess in Europe, trying to solve the letter’s clue. Wait, not only Europe, I did extend it to the rest of the world once I didn’t get an answer.”

\---

Crowley was beginning to suspect where this was headed, quite dreadfully. He knew about his feelings for Aziraphale, obviously, but was mostly able to keep them under control. Unless, apparently, if he didn’t have his memory.

He was so distracted by that part that he was sure he missed something around the middle, because Aziraphale was talking about calling princesses because of a letter.

“Wait, what princesses?”

“Oh, did I forget to mention? Ms. Anathema Device brought a letter from Agnes Nutter, witch, that said how to cure you, but it was difficult to interpret it. I got asking princesses for the answer was our best chance of solving it, although in the end that was incorrect.”

Alright, it was good to know that Aziraphale kept with the absurd ideas without him around to help supply them. At least not in his usual form.

“So you called all the princesses of the world346, then what?”

“Well, then…” Aziraphale blushed, this couldn’t be good. “You see, dear, I may have said some things to the effect that I would always protect you no matter what and perhaps a few of the things I said could have been misconstructed as romantic. Which was unintended on my part, but I was trying to express how important you are to me, we are to each other.”

Crowley had never felt his blood colder, and he had been actually cold-blooded just half an hour ago.

“Oh, no, tell me I didn’t.”

Aziraphale winced. Oh no, this was going to be bad. Maybe there was still time to ask Hell to erase his memories again. Or destroy him, destroy him was also good. Anything to avoid the end of this conversation.

“I believe you were trying to comfort me, reassure me that you weren’t lost to me despite your lack of memories. It was very thoughtful of you, really. A nice, sweet gesture. Despite the fact I didn’t see it as such then.”

Moving back to Hell seemed less painful than continuing this conversation. But Crowley never could leave well enough alone.

“What did I do?” he asked urgently.

“As I said, perhaps I colored your perception of our relationship with my own desires. Which was why you believed we were romantically involved, the only logical conclusion you could have reached, really. I assure you it wasn’t your fault, I should really have been more careful with my words. The point is, you decided to comfort me with a kiss.”

Crowley hid his head on his hands and lowered it to the floor. This couldn’t be happening. This had to be it, this had to be the punishment for Hell that he was receiving for creating a saint, because it was a lot more torturous than simply missing a few memories. It was the perfect torture, making him believe all was well, that all was perfect even, and then using embarrassment to hurt and punish until the victim couldn’t take it anymore347.

He growled, or rather tried to. It came out rather hissily.

“Yes, I’m sorry, dear. I do take full responsibility for misleading you. I also got somewhat carried away by the kiss, when I should have just informed you of your mistake. And I want to reassure you it was a lovely kiss and that I very much enjoyed it… that is, until you tried to initiate a more… how can I put it348… sexual contact.”

Crowley raised his head at his349, he felt like he might throw up350.

“Oh, please, tell me we didn’t,” he said softly.

He tried to keep himself from shaking. A few memories gone was all it took for him to try to have sex with his best friend? He couldn’t believe this, even before Earth, before humanity, he never had an interest in pursuing sex. Granted, he wasn’t interested in pursuing even a conversation with other demons351, but still.

The very thought made him uncomfortable in his own skin, disgusted in himself in a way he couldn’t rationalize. It gave him a strange urge to rip all of his skin out, not even waiting for it to shed naturally.

It was horrible, it was...

“No, I assure you nothing improper happened,” Aziraphale said rushingly352.

“Please, I need to know.” This was more pleading than any demon had a right to do, but he was desperate.

He didn’t want to know, but he needed to know. He always needed to know too much, even when that would hurt him.

Aziraphale wetted this lips, and Crowley was so conflicted, seeing him think of their kiss like this353. “We were kissing, and you laid down on the sofa, you pulled me on top of you, and circled my waist with your leg. That was when I interrupted things.”

Crowley sighed, relieved. His fantasies regarding Aziraphale354 had gone further than that, so he was glad that even without his memories he still knew where his boundaries were355.

It was only when he saw Aziraphale’s expression, overflowing with hurt and shame and regret and too many expressions to count, that he worried he might have offended Aziraphale. He wondered if there was a way to explain what he was feeling, preferably one that didn’t involve having to explain his feelings356.

Aziraphale had said something, what was it, about getting carried away and his own desires… but he couldn’t desire Crowley, Crowley would be able to sense that. Even if he couldn’t exactly identify the desires he was sensing of Aziraphale, sexual desire was an easy one to find, and this wasn’t it.

At any rate, he hurt Aziraphale. Crowley wanted to defend himself, to apologize, but it wasn’t the time. Not yet. This was Aziraphale’s story, he had to let him tell it.

\---

Seeing Crowley’s reaction made Aziraphale feel even worse about his earlier accusations, and his earlier actions in general357.

This was not the face of someone capable of feeling lust, especially considering Aziraphale knew Crowley loved him358.

If Azirapahle didn’t know about Crowley’s feelings, he might consider that it was the idea of sleeping with an angel that made him so uncomfortable. Or maybe even the idea of sleeping with Aziraphale in particular359 was revolting.

But he knew that Crowley loved him, and he assumed Crowley had enjoyed the kissing, especially because Crowley always seemed to like kissing in general. So the most logical conclusion was that Crowley not only didn’t feel lust, he probably didn’t feel any sexual attraction or sexual desire.

Which was perfectly alright. Aziraphale couldn’t feel either, even if he wasn’t so vehemently opposed to the idea as Crowley seemed to be. Although Aziraphale would consider himself mildly curious, it was hardly a matter of any importance, and he would gladly set aside that particular manifestation of love in order to share many others with Crowley.

No, the problem was, now that he knew what he knew, he would have to break Crowley’s heart all over again, by telling him how that interaction ended.

It would be easy to tell himself that the right thing to do would be spare Crowley. Strictly speaking, Crowley didn’t need to know about their fight. But he had a right to know, and Aziraphale hadn’t spared him of Crowley’s own embarrassment, he couldn’t spare Crowley of his either.

Besides, if they were to enter a romantic relationship, they couldn’t do so with this secret between them. Not sharing the contents of their fight would be a good way to end things if Crowley ever learnt the truth, not to mention it would be more dishonest than Aziraphale was willing to be with him.

“Before I tell you what happened next, I need you to promise me that you’ll allow me to explain how wrong I was,” Aziraphale said after a long silence.

They had gotten this far, there was no other way to go but forward.

“Of course I’ll listen to you, angel,” he said earnestly, like the very implication that he wouldn’t was ridiculous. The relief was still clear in his voice, like whatever happened next couldn’t be worse than if they had slept together.

Aziraphale took a deep breath. “I was afraid, afraid of my own feelings. And I took it out on you. I love you, that’s what I said then and I do love you, that much is true, but then I said the most horrible things about you. That you couldn’t understand love and that you felt only lust, which I understand now to be wrong. You ran from me.”

“Angel…”

“No, let me finish. Please, I need this. Ms. Device called, she said that the only way to break your curse and return your memories was using a human magic, a true love’s kiss. Which was when I realized, after reflecting for far too long, that I didn’t love you like an angel, but like a human. And that you loved me in the same way.”

“After all the times you said a demon couldn’t understand love, are you telling me it was that easy?” Crowley asked disbelievingly360.

Right, this was exactly what Aziraphale was afraid of. He had hurt this Crowley as well, and so many times that he lost count.

He closed his eyes, and tried to find the right words. He had to make this count, he wouldn’t get a third chance361.

“Well, I did explain all of this to you in more detail when I came to find you at the rooftop. I hadn’t expected you to lose your memory of the last few days. But if you want to hear this again… I was prejudiced against you because I believe the stories that Heaven told us. I believed that being cut from God’s love meant you couldn’t feel any love, but that love is conditional, is the love for a good soldier. And your love is so very human, as I realize now that mine also is. Which is better! I know this now, because love in Heaven is always judgmental, it always comes with impossible expectations and here, here we’re free to just love. Love without wanting someone to change is something only humans can do, but we’ve been here too long, and we learnt to do as they do. We let go of Heaven and Hell, there’s just the two of us now, and we’re free to choose each other.”

Aziraphale sighed, slowly opening his eyes. He was almost grateful for this second362 chance, because he managed to express himself much better.

“And it worked? The kiss, you said…”

“It would seem it did. I explained myself to you, and we kissed. Then I could sense the love, the love I always assumed was just part of humanity, return. The love you feel and I could never identify. And you ran from me again.”

“I thought it was part of my punishment, I didn’t know. I didn’t… I didn’t know.”

Crowley seemed like he would be crying if his eyes were equipped for that363. Aziraphale couldn’t take that any longer. He placed a hand on Crowley’s cheek, softly, barely touching him.

“None of that, my love. All that matters is that I found you. We can figure out the rest together.”

\---

Whatever the opposite of Falling was, that was what Crowley was feeling at that moment.

Not Raising, he couldn’t stand the thought of the upward motion. But falling, without the capital F364, falling into the waiting arms of his angel, warm and tender and safe and loved.

He would have to check if he hadn’t been discorporated, because he was floating away from his body, seeking Aziraphale, or at least that was what he felt like.

It didn’t hit him until then, until being so casually called ‘my love’365. He was too worried thinking about his own actions to realize the implications of what Aziraphale was saying. Too nervous thinking about his own feelings being exposed to realize that Aziraphale had also exposed his feelings in the same manner.

Everything happened too fast. Six thousand years they knew each other, and then so much happened so fast over just three days, and he couldn’t even remember it.

He kissed Aziraphale for the first time, and Aziraphale kissed him back, and he couldn’t even remember it.

Not only that, but Aziraphale had just told him that he loved him, and that he recognized and accepted Crowley’s love.

All this time, that was all he really wanted. Being loved and having his love accepted.

He knew that he loved Aziraphale, and had loved him for a long time. He knew he was capable of love, that being a demon had nothing to do with that, because angels could be self-righteous bastards and they never doubted their own capacity for love, so he refused to doubt himself as a demon. But even though he knew that, he always feared that Aziraphale couldn’t accept that.

He always feared that Aziraphale was too blinded by Heaven’s propaganda to accept a love that came in a different form366. And yet there he was, saying exactly that, that he accepted Crowley as he was.

Not only that, but he was admitting that his own love367 wasn’t angelic. It wasn’t the love he supposedly had for every being because he was made to love them.

Aziraphale loved him, in particular. Loved a demon, not because he had to, but because he chose to.

What had he called it? True love’s kiss, like in children’s fairy tales. And it worked, like Aziraphale said, it worked. Crowley was free from his punishment, Hell tried to hurt him, tried to break him, and it couldn’t, because of the love in his heart. Because he loved and was loved in return.

Everything else was distant, he was only slightly aware of Aziraphale’s hand on his cheek. His thoughts were spiraling out of control.

They were rarely on the same page, over the years. Close, but never quite on the same page. Still they tried, and they moved at different speeds, but always to the same place.

And yet, they had never been so close and so distant as they were now. The cat was out of the bag, the biggest secret between them was finally out in the open. They didn’t have to hide or hold back around each other.

But Aziraphale had lived through that with another Crowley, with one that didn’t exist anymore. With one that would never exist again.

The courage to take the first step, after this long, was taken by someone else, someone who had, by definition, to be extremely different from who he was now. Aziraphale’s fight happened with someone who couldn’t defend himself, and didn’t even know how wronged he had been. And Aziraphale realized his feelings and realized that Crowley’s feelings were real because of someone else. He made up with someone else, kissed someone else twice now. His true love was someone else, someone who fell for him without their complicated story together.

To Aziraphale, everything was already settled, but Crowley had only just learnt of any of this and he couldn’t help but question what happened.

He was robbed of these developments, and by himself of all people. He was robbed of his first kiss with his great love, he was robbed of the chance to prove to Aziraphale that his love was real, he was even robbed of the chance to confess his feelings on his own terms.

And all of this happened because of himself. He had no one else to blame but a version of him that no longer existed, that could give him no explanation.

If only he still had the memories of those three days, then perhaps he could find a balance between who he was and who he had briefly been, but as it were, it was hard to even think of this other as being him.

Now he didn’t know how to react, because the version of himself who had learnt how to deal with this new relationship alongside Aziraphale was gone.

The one who solved everything was gone and left no instructions of what to do with the chaos that he made of their relationship, all the pain and joy that he left behind.

Had he missed his chance? Was it too late now?

Aziraphale went from snogging Crowley’s other self to hesitating to touch him. Maybe all that Aziraphale wanted was this, a mutual acknowledgement of their feelings, and then things would continue as they had always been, and he would never even know what kissing Aziraphale felt like, not really, not beyond half a memory covered in panic.

He could believe that Aziraphale would be the type to love tragic romances and the slow torture of knowing they loved each other but weren’t meant to be368.

Or maybe even if he wanted a relationship before (he had mentioned desires, hadn’t he?), now he would think that Crowley was too much work. And who could blame him, after the way Crowley had acted?369

He could hear Aziraphale’s voice, but not well enough to know what he was saying. He couldn’t even focus his eyes to look at Aziraphale. His thoughts were entirely out of control.

\---

320Not simply because it looked luxurious, although of course the fact that once silk was one of the greatest signifiers of wealth contributed to it. But mostly it was because since Crowley touched silk for the first time, he expected it to always feel completely smooth, so it did, even when he rubbed it the wrong way. These sheets were more comfortable than Egypcian cotton. Also, they felt absolutely amazing against scales, if he felt so inclined, which happened a couple times while he was sleeping.[return to text]

321Angels were rubbish about seeing in the dark. But they did get to look directly at the sun without their eyes hurting, so it was a bit of a tradeoff. Demons could only stare at profaned fire without hurting, either Hellfire or another cursed type, which didn’t include the sun. Not because the sun was Holy, despite being created by God. It was more of a neutral thing.[return to text]

322Not because it was hard to see the dark corner in the white room, but because it seemed like some discarded piece of clothing. Crowley did wear a lot of black snakeskin clothes and shoes. Although since he miracled his clothes on, they stopped existing once he took them off. Of course, since Aziraphale prefered to buy his clothes, he didn’t know that.[return to text]

323Which was to say, not at all. But when it came to shapes he could _be_ either, instead of simply _turning_. A small distinction, but it did wonders for how comfortable he could feel in either a serpent or human skin.[return to text]

324Neither form was tenser or more relaxed than the other, but sometimes it was easier to relax as a human, and sometimes having limbs was too much. In this particular case, limbs _were_ too much, but although he could speak as a snake, this was a conversation that probably required a nuance that he could neither emulate or detect in his serpent form.[return to text]

325And could have potentially changed even more, if the three days had been added to the six thousand years.[return to text]

326It was the nature of angels, to be against change. Aziraphale welcomed change more than most, but he still had a tendency to stagnate for a few centuries at a time.[return to text]

327Which took about ten minutes. He had stopped as soon as he asked Aziraphale for an explanation, and Aziraphale took his time to answer.[return to text]

328Just because Aziraphale decided to tell the truth, it didn’t mean he wasn’t taking his sweet time with it, eating around the edges like a particularly good dessert. Except in this case, it was mostly because he was afraid of the bitter core, not because he was saving the best for last.[return to text]

329A perfect opportunity to delay dealing with the issue. Not that he wasn’t going to, but he could use a few more minutes.[return to text]

330Despite being a bit panicked at the time, Crowley realized now he was almost certain he had his serpent tongue at that moment, and not the slightly longer and a bit forked at the tip but still mostly human tongue, his long and thin and exactly the same he had as a snake tongue. He wondered if that added to how uncomfortable it had been for Aziraphale. He had never kissed someone with that tongue before, so he didn’t have any feedback. Besides, although Aziraphale had certainly kissed human men before, he had never, as far as Crowley knew (which was correct) kissed a serpent. And that whole line of thought was too disturbing to follow.[return to text]

331And achieving something closer to uncomfortable change in subject. About as subtle as replying to ‘I’m pregnant and you’re the father’ with ‘and how about this weather we’re having?’.  
[return to text]

332How do you unfold a letter _at_ somebody is anyone’s guess. But it worked to make Aziraphale realize he needed a bit more time to actually get to reading the letter.[return to text]

333Which he could identify by the stink of cheap alcohol and the ridiculous pink coloring of the letters. Hell could never quite understand why the red pigment turned pastel in the copy. They also couldn’t understand why the letters would fade so quickly when exposed to Hellfire light. Hell, much like Heaven, never quite got human technology.[return to text]

334Using a red tape that actually produced red letters, of course. At least typewriters were reliable, even if somewhat hard to use.[return to text]

335Not really, at least not a message he hadn’t already send when stopping the Apocalypse by Aziraphale’s side. Gossip went rampant around Hell, which actually meant most of Hell figured things out before these idiots.[return to text]

336Aziraphale completely forgot that just hours before he was thinking about that same story, and that he had a vague recollection of the child turning into a saint. He knew the boy in life, although only in passing, and found him to be insufferable. Which many supposed ‘holy men’ had in common.[return to text]

337This wasn’t, in fact, what he felt about children.[return to text]

338Not amused, but rather in the way that a bride who was left at the altar after learning her fiancé impregnated her twin sister and best friend, had just lost her job, was evicted and found out the neighbor ran over her dog, might laugh if it started raining and because of that she lost the deposit on the rental dress she now couldn’t afford. It was a very particular laugh, dry and desperate.[return to text]

339He was fairly sure the eating option was meant in some sexual way he didn’t want to know more details about, and not in the revenge way. It was best not to risk it, at any rate.[return to text]

340Aside from in certain niche demonic pornography that Crowley checked out once of curiosity, but found deeply uncomfortable. He didn’t want to think about that now. Or ever.[return to text]

341For a moment forgetting his panic over his own situation in favor of a panic over Aziraphale’s actions.[return to text]

342And even now, could be more worried about Aziraphale than he was about himself.[return to text]

343Everything about this conversation was short-circuiting his brain, and he was still stuck at the attack. If that wasn’t the case, he might have had a heart attack over ‘heart eyes’, which would have been funny, albeit uncomfortable for Crowley.[return to text]

344Which meant Aziraphale got to have three, since Crowley usually only took one or two bites of his.[return to text]

345Aziraphale thought that was hilarious the first time he heard it. They had a nice little chat about it, while Crowley glarefully drank his wine. Being called Antonio reminded him of his time in Italy among some of the great Italian artists, which was lovely, but also of how he was forced out of Italy by the Medici once he fell out of their favor. It was a whole affair he would rather forget.[return to text]

346He really regretted missing that. Seemed like the type of chaotic fun he would like to have.[return to text]

347In the future, this would prevent Crowley from being able to finish watching The Good Place, as it hit a bit too close to home.[return to text]

348Aziraphale knew many euphemisms he could use, but most of them Crowley wouldn’t recognize, as they were from around the time he was taking his nap. The last thing they needed right now was any more misunderstandings.[return to text]

349He really wished he had his shades, but it would be awkward, conjuring them now.[return to text]

350As a snake, even if only slightly serpent-like in his human form, that wouldn’t be pretty.[return to text]

351In the early days, it hurt too much. Seeing how falling had changed him and how different it was from how it changed the others. Even the ones he had called friends before he could barely recognize, but he felt much the same way he did before, only lonelier and more confused. He was always too afraid to wonder what it meant, that the fall changed him so little. There was no good answer to that.[return to text]

352Thankfully, only a second after what Crowley said. If his mind already went that far in so little time, it was a good thing it didn’t last longer.[return to text]

353A strange mix of pride and shame, with a touch of worry.[return to text]

354Not sexual in nature, but often sensual. It was a way for his brain to translate his romantic feelings without leaving his comfort zone. Erotic kisses he could deal with, wanting to cuddle and hug was a bit much. It wasn’t appropriate for a demon to desire such things, especially not of an angel.[return to text]

355Even if he tried to ignore them while amnesiac. Perhaps his inclination to ignore his own comfort zone was the reason why his brain shot up the warning signs so soon.[return to text]

356Good luck finding that.[return to text]

357As he should.[return to text]

358Still, he was anxious to get to that part, so that Crowley could confirm it for him.[return to text]

359He didn’t try to be attractive, even if he took great care with his appearance, and he had no illusions about that. Like most things about his presentation, it was intentional. Which wasn’t to say that people in the past hadn’t been attracted to him, especially in a certain discreet gentlemen’s club.[return to text]

360He wasn’t angry, although Aziraphale couldn’t tell that. Mostly he just wondered if he could have convinced Aziraphale of the truth sooner. The information was delivered too condensed and too filtered for him to be able to be mad at Aziraphale. It would be different if he had his memories of that moment, but he didn’t.[return to text]

361Technically, he wouldn’t get a third second chance. The kiss was the first chance, making the rooftop the second chance, and this the second second chance.[return to text]

362Third, or second second. He shouldn’t get to ignore his first chance just because he did so spectacularly bad with it.[return to text]

363Technically speaking, he could cry, but he didn’t have tear ducts, which made things complicated, and also meant that he _wouldn’t_ cry unless he was quite literally incapable of not overflowing with emotion. He cried by leaking tears from all sides of his eyes, which made for a very disturbing image. Aziraphale had never seen that.[return to text]

364Even though Crowley made a point of trying not to think of falling as Falling, because he didn’t want to give it the gravitas it begged fo[return to text]

365Much like someone could be shot and keep walking around for several minutes before noticing something was wrong, Crowley had continued the conversation after taking an emotional bullet to the chest, and now the blood was beginning to pool and strangulate his heart.[return to text]

366Which he was right to fear. If not for multiple interventions, some of magical nature, Aziraphale would have remained very much incapable of accepting Crowley’s love.[return to text]

367Crowley knew that Aziraphale loved him on some level, maybe, hopefully. He still remembered every time that Aziraphale got a bit too drunk and said things like “I know I should love all of God’s creations, my dear boy, even you, but don’t test me by finishing that wine”. Whenever that happened, Crowley would sober up a little, just enough to make sure the memory would stay with him. But really, he thought of it as a general love, and tried not to trick himself into thinking otherwise. Besides, when Crowley was in a really self-deprecating mood, he could convince himself that he was the exception to Aziraphale’s love.[return to text]

368In that, he would be correct. But Aziraphale didn’t want a tragic romance over a happy one. At least not anymore. The reality of a tragic romance is a lot more painful than the fantasy of one.[return to text]

369Anyone who had the full picture, and thus knew that Crowley’s actions were entirely justified and Aziraphale’s, not so much.[return to text]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, sorry for all the delays. Now that my mother is better and back at home, I think we can go back to schedule, with one chapter every Friday. Only two more until the end! There will be a sequel sometime in the future, but this will have a proper ending and can be read as a standalone. Also, for a fraction of a second I considered doing the letter in the proper colors, then I realized how spectacularly bad to read pink and red on white would be.


	9. Resolution

Aziraphale was sure that now he had broken Crowley, and he didn’t even know what he had done wrong370.

He wondered if touching Crowley had been the wrong thing to do, but letting go of him didn’t help, and neither did calling him.

In fact, Crowley seemed completely lost in his own thoughts, as if he wasn’t aware that Aziraphale was still there with him. Or even that there was a world out there with him.

He tried calling Crowley again for good measure, with no result. This wasn’t how he thought things would go, and he wasn’t sure what to do now.

He expected things to be easier. They loved each other, and both of them knew that now. Not only that, but they had already betrayed their respective sides in favor of humanity, so there was no reason to fear that their alliance would be discovered, because it was already broadcast for all to see.

If before they were able to hide their connection371 and had to be careful, now there was no mistaking that their loyalty was to each other, whatever was the particular nature of their relationship.

There was nothing stopping them from being together, if that was what both wanted. And there laid the problem.

Aziraphale was acutely aware that Crowley hadn’t actually said that he loved him, not since recovering his memories, even if he hadn’t denied it when Aziraphale said it. He could sense Crowley’s love, but that was different, wasn’t it?

A love confession was about more than just feelings. There was something about the deliberate way it was made. A love confession was about choice as much as it was about feelings, choosing to acknowledge that love, to make it real.

And love wasn’t truly actualized until it was confessed, either through words or actions.

Until then, love was just an idea, and an idea without expression or acknowledgement, an idea that caused no action, meant nothing, was nothing. It was the same justification that he always used to accept his own feelings, as long as he wouldn’t voice them, as long as he couldn’t believe something would come of them, as long as they were only expressed in a way that could be justified as friendship, then he was safe, then his feelings were safe.

There was always a chance that Crowley had no intention of acting on his feelings, even if they were reciprocated. As just a few hours before Aziraphale would have been in the same position, he could understand it. It would break his heart, but he could understand it.

And as much as it pained him, if that was what Crowley wanted, he would never speak of this again, and they could go back to being what they were. After prioritizing his own feelings to Crowley’s detriment in such a vile way, it was the least he could do.

But if that were the case, he had to trust that Crowley would tell him, instead of simply opting out of this conversation.

So perhaps this was just too much for him, like it had been for Aziraphale. Aziraphale needed hours to come to terms with the reality of their feelings, and Crowley had to deal with that so soon after being freed from a potent curse from Hell, that neither of them was entirely sure what entailed372.

In the end, starting a relationship was a matter of faith, much like breaking the curse had been.

Crowley took the first leap when he kissed Aziraphale not knowing how he would react. Aziraphale took the second when he explained his feelings. Now they had probably to take the third together373.

He miracled away the wards against demons, figuring they were probably safe since Hell had apparently completed the punishment, and that even if Crowley was on the inside of the barrier, they had to have a negative effect on him.

With that many protections, even the air must have been burning him, at least somewhat, and his powers were probably getting drained to keep them in place.

As long as there was no reason to believe that Hell was coming for them, the only thing the wards were doing was hurting Crowley. And hopefully removing them would be enough to make him feel better.

“Crowley, dear, can you hear me?” he tried another time, now that they were no longer inside a demon trap.

When no response came, he pulled Crowley in his arms374, and the effect was immediate. Crowley put his arms around Aziraphale’s body, tight enough to be uncomfortable, Crowley’s fingers digging painfully on his back, although Aziraphale wouldn’t complain. Crowley hid his face on Aziraphale’s chest and began shaking, strangled sobs mostly suffocated by fabric.

Aziraphale petted his hair with one hand, moving the other soothingly up and down his back, confident now that physical contact wasn’t the problem. “It’s alright, dear, I’ve got you.”

If this was simply a matter of Crowley being overwhelmed, between the effects of the curse and subsequent revelations, they could easily deal with this and move on to a better topic of conversation.

Or perhaps not so easily, but offering comfort was part of his job description, and that was a part he was good at. Comforting was a much better development than having to atone for his misdeeds, and as much as he wanted to believe he was ready to face the consequences of his actions, truthfully he hoped there weren’t any.

He lost count of how long they stayed like this, but after a while Crowley stopped shaking, and kept still against his chest. Aziraphale was afraid that he had frozen again, but a few minutes later, Crowley finally spoke again.

“I really do love you375,” he said without moving, his voice muffled but still clear.

Aziraphale sighed, relieved. Even if he knew this already, even if he had already heard that in Crowley’s voice, he had been waiting to hear this again. The confirmation that Crowley, with all his memories376, was still willing to declare his feelings.

“I know, dear, and I love you too.”

He wanted to say it simply too, without all the story and the complications. Not as an apology, not as a mitigation of his actions, not as an explanation of his circumstances, but as a declaration in response to another.

“Did I… did I ruin everything377?”

Aziraphale pushed Crowley away slightly to look at him, worriedly examining his face, keeping both hands on his shoulders to keep Crowley from moving too far away.

If not for the fact he had perfectly understood Crowley, he would be worried that he had misheard.

“Why on Earth would you think that?”

\---

Crowley had fallen apart, but he needed that. Even when the punishment was modified to not be as severe as it could have been378, being punished by Hell left a sort of psychological mark. So perhaps demons would be better adjusted if they were allowed to fall apart and put themselves back together after a trauma.

Of course, Hell wasn’t interested at all in well adjusted demons, and would prefer to further traumatize them in recovery, but that’s neither here nor there.

There really was something to be said about the therapeutic value of letting go of control and fully experiencing the suffering before moving to the healing part. Letting go, much like healing, demanded a certain willingness to accept vulnerability, and being vulnerable was a luxury that demons didn’t have, not if they wanted to keep themselves from being destroyed.

Yet there he was, completely incapable of fighting or running, and he wasn’t afraid. Not of being attacked, at least.

Now, the only thing that he wanted, no, that he needed, was to fix things between them.

He didn’t know how to explain to Aziraphale the turmoil inside his head, and he was afraid he might die of embarrassment if he thought about it for too long.

He wished they could skip the rest of this conversation and just get back to the point where they apparently were when Crowley recovered his memories.

From what Aziraphale had told him, things were good between them, they had fixed all of this. Then he went and forgot everything.

“I don’t even remember kissing you,” he said lamely.

It wasn’t what he meant to say, it wasn’t even what he should say. What he wanted to say was that the moment that changed their relationship was lost to him, and he didn’t know if there was a way to get that back.

But before he could say anything else to try to fix it, Aziraphale smiled so softly at him.

“Well, I suppose there is a way to rectify that, if you would allow me,” Aziraphale said, moving one hand behind Crowley’s neck but not pulling him closer379.

Crowley swallowed hard and nodded a little too enthusiastically. Some part of him deep down, a part that loved to torture him, wondered again if this was real, or all a part of a deeper psychological torture from Hell381. But he couldn’t allow himself to dwell on that, or he would be paralized by fear.

Aziraphale approached him slowly, and Crowley wouldn’t dare closing his eyes.

He still had a million questions, and he wasn’t sure they could move past what had happened to them in order to be happy together, but for a moment, Aziraphale’s presence was enough to push all doubt away, even if only for a brief time.

When they met, it was familiar and new. Crowley’s body remembered how this went, even if his mind didn’t, as Aziraphale slowly explored his mouth.

He vacantly wondered if he should offer to turn his tongue more human382, but then decided it was easier to just go along with things as they were, mostly because he couldn’t focus enough on his shape to reliably change it without risking doing something wrong.

Then he wondered if he should be doing something with his hands, but Aziraphale slid the hands on his shoulder to his back and pulled him closer, so he couldn’t think of much else other than ‘yes’, ‘this’, ‘more’383.

His body must have had a few ideas of its own, because when Aziraphale broke the kiss, barely pulling back, just enough to free his mouth, Crowley was already sitting on his lap, with his arms and legs around him384.

“Is this ok? Is it too much?” Aziraphale asked worriedly.

Crowley wanted to tell him to shut up and just keep kissing him385, but that seemed a bit rude.

“Just peachy,” Crowley said, without a hint of sarcasm, then cringed at his own words. This was ridiculous, he knew how to react after kissing someone, and this wasn’t it.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to push you.”

He knew what Aziraphale was talking about, and he didn’t want to acknowledge that, but it seemed that Aziraphale wouldn’t let him just get away without saying anything.

It was nice that Aziraphale wanted to keep him comfortable, but Crowley didn’t want to think about what made him uncomfortable. It was embarrassing, and not something that he cared to admit.

Still, if Aziraphale wasn’t going to let this go, then he had to say something.

“Keep going, I’ll tell you if you cross a line.” It was the best Crowley could do, he didn’t know where the line was, that little sucker, only had some clue.

He tried to kiss Aziraphale again, but Aziraphale pulled back. Well, as much as he could with Crowley’s arms so tight around him.

“Maybe we should talk about this first386.”

Crowley hissed. “Haven’t we talked too much already?”

There was something entirely too vulnerable about this much earnest talking. Despite his somewhat limited experience in this area387, Crowley would rather be kissing, because that involved considerably less overthinking and considerably more contact with Aziraphale388.

“I don’t want to risk making you uncomfortable again. The first time we kissed it seemed that you went beyond what you wanted to do because you wanted to please me, and I can’t stand the thought of that happening again.”

Oh, right, so they were going to talk about that. And there Crowley was, thinking he had escaped this particular conversation. Which he never had even with himself, that was how much he was avoiding it. And would much prefer to keep avoiding it.

An angel worried about the sexual boundaries of a demon. It really was a weird world the place they were living in.

Crowley sighed, then he stood up and sat on his bed, patting the place in front of him for Aziraphale. If they were doing this, it wouldn’t be on the floor. He still had some dignity left.

\---

As Crowley stood up, Aziraphale worried he had offended him, but was relieved to see that he only sat down on the bed, by the headboard, over one bent leg as the other hung from the edge.

Crowley tapped the bed in an invitation, and Aziraphale was glad to take it. They had been sitting on the floor for a rather long time, and it was a touch uncomfortable389.

Still, Aziraphale sat nearly at the foot of the bed, wanting to place a respectable distance between them. Mostly because he didn’t trust himself not to kiss Crowley again before the conversation was over. He already missed touching him, but he wanted to do things right this time.

“What do you want to know?” Crowley asked as soon as he sat down, trying to sound casual390.

_How can I touch in a way that will show my love and make you feel good without crossing a line_ , but that sounded a bit too much, too fast.

So he decided to go around the edges and see if he could find the middle.

“Do you like kissing?”

Alright, bad first question. He was mostly sure Crowley liked kissing, and by the way Crowley raised an eyebrow at him, he knew that Aziraphale should know that too.

It was so odd, seeing him without the shades while they were body sober. Crowley was so expressive with the shades that was easy to forget that most of the time Aziraphale couldn’t see his eyes, and when he could, he was probably too drunk to notice. This was probably the longest conversation they had in which he could see Crowley’s eyes, it was disarming.

“ _Yes_ , which is why I would like to continue to do that. _Do you_?”

Somehow, Aziraphale hadn’t considered until this moment that this conversation might include his own boundaries. Not that he minded, he simply wasn’t too sure of what to say. He didn’t know what to think of things he hadn’t tried, and he wasn’t particularly scared of trying anything391.

“I enjoy kissing you very much.” That sounded awkward even to his ears, but hopefully Crowley wouldn’t mind392. “I mean, kissing in general is nice, but I do enjoy kissing you in particular.”

“Well, since you insisted on this conversation, how about a little feedback. Do you have a preference regarding,” he gestured at his mouth, showing his tongue for good measure393. “I usually keep it more human than this, but not all the way.”

Aziraphale thought about Crowley’s tongue changing shape as they kissed, trying to remember all the shapes Crowley had used over the years. It was a good thing that they were sitting so far apart.

“This shape is lovely, but I would love to experiment with whichever others you were comfortable with.”

“A demonic serpent tongue is not, by any definition, lovely. But alright, we can try other things. I heard good things about a human tongue that is slightly forked394.”

Aziraphale wasn’t exactly jealous of Crowley kissing other people. It wasn’t as if _Aziraphale_ hadn’t kissed anyone before, so it would be hypocritical of him. But it did make him uncomfortable, not necessarily in a bad way, in some form that was hard to classify395.

He decided to deal with that discomfort by jumping to the next question.

“But you don’t like sex,” he said, and immediately regretted it. He should be going gradually, not by the extremes.

Crowley shifted uncomfortable, swinging his leg at the side of the bed and repeatedly folding the edge of the sheets. “I haven’t tried it,” he said ever so quietly.

Crowley couldn’t meet his eyes, which was how he knew there was more to it. Well, that and all the other obvious signs.

“But by your reaction at the bookshop, and how relieved you were when I told you we didn’t, I’m assuming it’s not something you’re interested in?”

He shouldn’t press, but if Crowley was going to do things like climb onto his lap, Aziraphale wanted to be clear on what the limits were. Signals could get confusing fast, and sex was no area for mixed signals. Mixed signals already caused their fair share of problems with their first kiss, they didn’t need any more of those.

Crowley had apparently decided that his silk sheets looked much more interesting than Aziraphale396, twisting them against his fingers and moving his thumb against them as if he could count the threads with his nail.

Aziraphale was about to ask him if he needed more time when he finally answered.

“I haven’t thought about it much, it didn’t seem very interesting. I felt a bit curious once or twice, but mostly when I try to think about it too much, it seems… disgusting. But I’m not sure. Is that…” he raised his head, but still couldn’t look at Aziraphale. “I mean, I suppose I could try, if you wanted397.”

Aziraphale realized what Crowley was saying, and it made him a little nauseated. This was exactly why they needed to have this conversation while not touching each other. At least like this he could focus on Crowley’s discomfort to see what he wasn’t saying.

He was realizing now how easy it was to take advantage of Crowley, which only made what he did earlier worse. As much as he wanted to minimize his mistakes, he had abused his friend’s trust and only his own prejudices prevented him from going further. How could he even try to atone for that?

“Nonsense, I won’t have you sacrificing your own comfort. At any rate, I don’t have more than a passing curiosity in regards to sex. I haven’t tried before and I don’t mind if I never get around to it.”

It was true. Sure, he thought about it on occasion, and had almost gone through a few times, with desperate young men398 that wanted to know that they were loved. But it never felt right.

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to…” he made a vague gesture399.

“I’ve had _offers_ , you know,” Aziraphale said, sounding a touch more offended than he intended. “Not many, but a few. If I were so keen on trying it I would have done it already.”

Crowley sighed, relieved400. “So where does that leave us?”

With a huge mess of Aziraphale’s own making that couldn’t be solved in a single night, and probably needing to establish better communication in the future.

“Maybe we can set other boundaries later, but I would like to know what would you be comfortable with _now_. And don’t say what you think is going to please me, because I won’t like making you uncomfortable.” Crowley seemed like was going to protest that last part, so Aziraphale added, “I already feel terrible over what happened at the bookshop.”

“No sex,” Crowley started.

Alright, stating the obvious, but better to be clear than letting things slide through.

“Oh, I’m not even currently equipped for that,” he said, because he thought that might reassure Crowley.

Instead, it made him stop mid-sentence. “What?”

Oh, he hadn’t expected making a conversation out of this too.

“I just mean I haven’t…” he made a vague gesture at his crotch, and absolutely regretted saying anything.

Crowley frowned. “I thought you had decided… I mean, I saw… not _saw_ , glanced. At the bathhouse, I mean. Was it in Rome? It’s been a while. I think someone had been assassinated, don’t remember which side wanted that,” Crowley rambled.

Aziraphale blushed slightly, but didn’t look away. “Oh, I didn’t say I’ve _never_. When I make an effort it is generally in that direction, but I only do that when not doing so would be… awkward. When people might notice.” Then, a thought occurred to him. “Do you keep… it401, all the time then?”

It was probably rude to ask, and he didn’t need to know, but curiosity got the better of him. At the very least he thought he should have noticed something.

Crowley shrugged. “Not always the same thing, but yes, mostly. I thought you knew, I wear a lot of tight trousers.”

Aziraphale was somewhat tempted to look, but that would send the wrong message, so instead he kept his eyes on Crowley’s face, and tried to remember if he ever noticed a bulge.

Part of him wanted to ask why keep genitals that he had no intention of using, or if it wasn’t more trouble than it was worth, but he figured that could be discussed another time402.

“Alright, so no sex. I’ll refrain from making an effort403, if you don’t mind,” he said, trying to keep them focused.

“Whatever suits you. I’ll keep mine if you don’t mind.” Aziraphale just nodded, and managed not to check what that happened to be. “Then, kissing, of course.”

Aziraphale nodded. “How about touches, what are you comfortable with?” he prompted, since they weren’t getting anywhere.

“I think we could try under the clothes above the waist and above the clothes below?” he asked tentatively.

Aziraphale would have preferred something more specific, but he could work with that.

“That seems wonderful, as long as you agree to tell me right away if you get uncomfortable.”

“Alright, then stop talking,” Crowley said, moving to the center of the bed and pulling Aziraphale by the lapels towards him.

Aziraphale had just been greeted with the pleasant surprise of the forked human tongue Crowley had mentioned404 when Crowley laid down, pulling Aziraphale on top of him.

Aziraphale pushed away slightly and raised an inquisitive eyebrow. Just because they agreed where to stop it was no good reason to sleep to the line hoping to hit the breaks without drifting past the line.

Crowley looked far too cheeky405. “What? This is within what we established,” he said, but there was a question hidden in his tone406.

Aziraphale decided to answer it by kissing him again. If this was alright with Crowley then it was fine to him as well.

\---

The good thing about being immortal, and having things like sustenance or air be optional, was that they could do whatever they liked for as long as they liked.

Crowley mostly took advantage of that to sleep, or to drink enough to be sick and then not have to deal with being sick.

But this was the first time that he tried kissing, properly kissing, someone who also didn’t need to breathe407. Which meant that he could grab a fistful of curls and not let go of Aziraphale’s mouth for hours. Heavens, years even.

They kissed hungrily at first, then softly, finally arriving on lazily, all without breaking the initial kiss.

Crowley would have gladly done nothing but kiss him for an entire century408, but his treacherous body was still exhausted from the curse409. After only a few hours, almost against his will, he fell asleep. Too seamlessly to even remember to ask Aziraphale to stay with him.

\---

Somewhere in Hell, Rattenkönig410 was finishing up the paperwork for the punishment she had supervised when the letter of evaluation came back.

She stared at the letter suspiciously, waiting for it to explode, or do something nasty. Most demons didn’t bother answering the evaluation when she first send it413, and when they did answer it, they usually did so by sending her a curse back. She already lost a tale like that, and wasn’t keen on losing any other body parts.

Since the letter didn’t do anything standing there by itself, and she really needed to file the evaluation414, she decided to pick it up.

Not only was it not cursed, but the evaluation had been properly answered. She was impressed at that demon’s professionalism. Then again, she had heard the most terrible things about him415, so perhaps she should have expected it.

She had been afraid, when being tasked to punish him, that he would get back at her in the most horrifying ways416.

Which was why she decided to send her mate up to Earth to do the actual punishment417.

But she was pleased to see that he didn’t hold a grudge against either of them.

She just hoped that everything had gone appropriately bad with the punishment418. She shouldn’t have delegated it, and if anything didn’t go according to plan, there would be Hell to pay.

It would probably be fine, though. Everyone expected demons to forge at least part of the paperwork. It wouldn’t be very demonic of them otherwise. Dagon didn’t like that, but what Dagon didn’t know didn’t get demons destroyed.

And at any rate, there was a standing order that no one should go out to check that particular demon419, so maybe she could get away with a couple mistakes.

\---

Aziraphale looked down as Crowley’s hand dropped from his head to the bed. He was amazed at how fast Crowley could fall asleep420, because the last time Aziraphale tried sleep, he ended up staring at the ceiling for eight hours.

Then again, he never really _got_ sleep421.

But that seemed to be something that Crowley enjoyed, and he had to admit that he enjoyed watching Crowley be so peaceful and quiet, or rather, enjoyed that he was allowed to do that. There was something impossibly _vulnerable_ about the way he looked, and Aziraphale felt his heart twist pleasantly at the fact that Crowley trusted him with that.

He moved so he was laying next to Crowley instead of on top of him, and wondered if he should leave him alone for this. After all, this time he could actually leave without disturbing Crowley’s sleep, not to mention he wasn’t sure if his presence there was either wanted or appreciated.

Sleep seemed like a very intimate thing, and he wasn’t sure if he wasn’t intruding, despite Crowley’s willingness to fall asleep with him there. Crowley never invited him to his room before, not even now. Then again, Crowley never fell asleep after they spent hours kissing so this whole situation was new.

He didn’t have an excuse like last time, but Aziraphale wanted to stay, and so he wanted to find a justification. Finally, he remembered what that nice old lady had told him, about not leaving until the morning. He was distantly aware that humans nowadays placed a great significance in either leaving in the middle of the night or staying until the morning, when it came to their romantic adventures. Staying until the morning being the alternative that indicated a serious commitment and greater romantic value422.

Crowley hadn’t invited him to stay, but he also hadn’t told him to leave, so surely there would be no harm in staying. It wasn’t as if he was invading, although he had, technically speaking, invaded the room. And the flat.

But Crowley invited him to the bed, which probably surpassed his initial trespassing, which really only happened because of extenuating circumstances. So staying was probably allowed.

Although he might get bored. Crowley could sleep for a long time if he wanted. Certainly more time than Aziraphale would want to stay gazing lovingly at him. He wasn’t that much of a romantic423.

Then again, he could stay and, if he got bored, miracle a book from his collection to read while they were there. Even though that would involve getting some light, and Crowley probably wouldn’t want to sleep with too much light424.

Which reminded him... Aziraphale miracled the lights off. He should have done that at the bookshop too. It was his understanding that sleep was preferably an activity done in the dark. Should kissing have been done in the dark too? He had a vague impression, but wasn’t too sure about that.

He noticed now that Crowley was sleeping with his eyes closed, which made the situation seem much more normal. He had to remember to ask Crowley about this, although he suspected the answer was that Crowley slept with his eyes closed, but that it was an acquired habit.

After all, it stood to reason that Crowley would sleep the way he was more comfortable with now that he remembered what it was.

It was a shame that Aziraphale didn’t get to ask him about the trick he did with the wings425, flying away like that. It could be a rather useful ability426, especially if simply using the wings to transport somewhere else was less taxing than using them for flying with a body.

They still had much to discuss427, but they had time.

They had all the time in the world to learn who they were for each other. No more secrets now, no need to pretend. And they didn’t have to decide everything at once.

Aziraphale thought back of all the things that just a few days ago he thought would forever be beyond his reach, and how he could have them now. Well, maybe, he would still have to check with Crowley, but they weren’t entirely impossible.

Sharing a bed, Crowley had apparently already allowed. Calling their meals together dates, Aziraphale didn’t see why not. Having breakfast together, probably. Walking in the park, arms linked, very likely. Holding hands, possibly after some convincing. Grooming each other’s wings… Aziraphale blushed at the thought, he was getting a bit ahead of himself.

He hoped Crowley wasn’t planning on sleeping for too long this time, otherwise Aziraphale might be tempted to wake him up, and he didn’t want to do it. Crowley deserved to rest after everything that happened.

Aziraphale still wasn’t too sure of what happened, if he were honest with himself. The letter only told them so much. He wondered why now, if Crowley’s offense had happened so long ago, and if there were other punishments to come for other things that Crowley had done right over the years428.

Maybe they should be planning ways to protect themselves against Hell. Or well, ways for the both of them to protect Crowley, Aziraphale had no reason to believe that Hell was after him, and Heaven couldn’t care less about him429.

Crowley shifted, laying half on top of Aziraphale, resting his head on his chest, and placed one leg lazily across Aziraphale’s hip. Aziraphale took this opportunity to place his arm around Crowley. This was the kind of thing couples did when sleeping together, wasn’t it? Cuddling.

He resisted the urge to giggle. Cuddling with Crowley, he could hardly believe that. If he still had a diary, he would write that in it.

He still couldn’t understand the appeal of sleep, but there was certainly something comfortable about having Crowley in his arms. He wondered if this was so much better than having Crowley sleep on his lap because the position was more comfortable, or because he didn’t have to worry about Crowley’s safety anymore430.

This was definitely something he would ask Crowley about doing regularly, although he would need to think of a solution for reading. That was how he liked to spend his nights, and he would get quickly bored of laying there all night every night without doing anything, even if holding Crowley felt nice. If he found a way to read without bothering Crowley, then he could have both, so that was the perfect solution.

He wondered how long had passed, and if Crowley would wake up anytime soon432.

\---

370He knew of a great many deal of things he had done wrong in regards to Crowley, these past few days in particular, but not what he did wrong right at that moment to cause that particular reaction. He really was trying to make things right now.[return to text]

371Not by being particularly discreet, but because before no one cared enough to check. Still, they thought they were being covert.[return to text]

372Neither of them had heard about ‘corruption’ as a curse before, and the description on the form wasn’t the most complete. Surely the details of the letter explained the removal of irrelevant memories, but a potent curse often left secondary effects, and ‘corruption’ in and of itself was a terrible name for a selective amnesia curse. Aside from the logistical issues previously raised, they should really have asked Crowley for a name suggestion, even if the curse of factory reset wouldn’t sound nearly as dramatic, and curses aren’t necessarily known for being accurately named.[return to text]

373Really, two people, a confession from each side should have been enough, no need for a third one. In the future, Crowley would be inspired by this when twisting reality around USB cables. Aziraphale, on the other hand, would influence the creation of USB 3.0 Type C, because really, that was too annoying even for Crowley, and it had to be phased out of existence by something better. Even though, technically speaking, humans had been more cruel, inventing several different incompatible ports that Crowley inadvertently replaced with the much more universal, even if annoying, model.[return to text]

374He was trying to respect Crowley’s space, but at this point he was desperate for some, any reaction. At this point even a ‘don’t touch me’ would have been welcome, because at least it would have been something, it would have told him that Crowley was still there somewhere.[return to text]

375He had only then realized that he hadn’t said that yet. Even if Aziraphale knew it already, he felt like he should say it. No, he felt like he was entitled to say it. It was something he wanted to do, not a duty. His other self couldn’t rob him of that. His feelings were his to proclaim as often as he wanted.[return to text]

376Almost all of his memories.[return to text]

377Crowley was too focused on his own actions and his own memories and lack thereof to think about Aziraphale’s wrongdoings. Thinking about what Aziraphale had done to him and how that influenced Crowley’s actions would only come in time.[return to text]

378In this case, destruction, but Crowley would forever be blissfully unaware that his existence had been saved by a series of clerical errors. Thank Satan for how inefficient Hell was.[return to text]

379Probably not the best way to deal with this situation380, and they still had a lot of talking to do that would probably not get done, but Aziraphale was, for lack of a better expression, a bit of a slut for romance, and truly wanted to get past all of this conflict to get back to the point they had reached at the rooftop. Just because both of them were in agreement in this, it didn’t mean that it was the right thing for them.[return to text]

380In fact, closer to one of the worst. Starting a romantic relationship without solving the underlying issues of their previous relationship was bound to cause some issues in the near future.[return to text]

381It couldn’t be, and he knew it couldn’t be. Hell was never that good. There was a level of creativity necessary for that kind of torture, and most demons didn’t have that. Crowley was the exception, even if he only thought out the worst scenarios for himself.[return to text]

382He should have done so when he turned himself human, but he was too tired to do anything other than turn his body back to what it had been immediately before, and sometimes after being a snake for a while he had a bit of trouble turning back. It was all a result of his general anxiety about forgetting his shape.[return to text]

383Luckily his arms didn’t require thinking to wrap themselves around Aziraphale’s neck and pull him closer.[return to text]

384Even when he wasn’t fully a snake he was made for cuddling. Not that he would admit that.[return to text]

385He didn’t want to say he thought it was sweet that Aziraphale was worried about his boundaries. He would rather take a long bath on Holy Water than to say what that meant to him when no one much cared about his boundaries before, not even himself. And he wasn’t really thinking about how Aziraphale cared now mostly because of how much he hadn’t cared before.[return to text]

386Aziraphale was rightfully feeling guilty over how he manipulated, used and took advantage of Crowley when he was vulnerable. He was being careful not to do that now. A bit late, but better late than never. A better idea of course would have been to leave the kissing for after they’ve dealt with everything, but at least this was progress.[return to text]

387As he rarely kissed the same person more than once on the same occasion. It limited the chances of them getting the wrong idea.[return to text]

388He wanted to stop thinking now, while things were good and settled, and his anxiety hadn’t made too much damage. Yet.[return to text]

389Well, Crowley was on the floor when he got there, because being a snake it didn’t matter much, and then they were too serious a conversation for either of them to suggest a move to that comfortable bed right there. Now was a good a chance as any to make that move. It was also a welcome interruption to allow Crowley to gather his thoughts.[return to text]

390And landing on disinterested, which was closer to what he was feeling, at least in regards to the conversation. He was very interested in the kissing, which this conversation was keeping him from doing.[return to text]

391If not for the fact his partner was mostly repulsed by sex in general, he might regret that thought. It was one thing to be adventurous, but ‘anything’ included a lot of human creativity, as well as things that could be done with their powers.[return to text]

392He didn’t. They could be awkward together, as only virgins over six thousand years old could be.[return to text]

393Which looked as ridiculous as it sounds. But Aziraphale thought it was cute.[return to text]

394Well, actually he heard devious things about it, but he assumed Aziraphale would object to that sort of definition. One time he was actually tried as a witch because of that, but of course escaping an angry mob was fairly easy, even if sadly involved having to sober up.[return to text]

395It made him feel something in the neighborhood of, despite not being exactly, sensual desire. He wanted Crowley to kiss him in all the ways he had kissed anyone before, but not due to possessiveness or jealousy. Something close to suddenly craving an iced tea on a hot summer day after catching the precipitation falling to someone’s fingers on the corner of your eyes and then not realizing where that craving is coming from or even what that is because you’ve never been much of a fan of iced tea in the first place.[return to text]

396He was actually wondering if Aziraphale would be offended if he grabbed a pair of shades from the drawer right next to him. Or maybe hid under the sheets, but that seemed childish. Then again, he was already feeling childish over his discomfort in talking about sex.[return to text]

397What he wanted to say was, ‘if that’s a dealbreaker, maybe we can work something out, but please don’t leave me.’ Oddly similar to the line of thought that made him ignore his own boundaries while not having his memories.[return to text]

398They had always seemed so young, even in their thirties and forties. Of course, all humans were too young to someone who was older than their species.[return to text]

399Leave me, sacrifice something, deny yourself.[return to text]

400He wasn’t jealous at that. If anything, this meant that if Aziraphale ever changed his mind, then perhaps he could have sex with humans while still being with Crowley romantically. Crowley wouldn’t mind that. Although he would be jealous if Aziraphale went around saying he fell in love with someone else, and would probably sulk until said human died.[return to text]

401He couldn’t think of a good way to put it. “Do you always have a cock?” seemed too crude, and “penis” sounded too clinical.[return to text]

402Probably a good idea, since Crowley’s answer would be convoluted and likely involve such hits as ‘the joys of taking a piss after a long nap’, ‘those pants would look weird without a camel toe’ and ‘spread legs showing a bulge as a masculine intimidation tactique’. The most accurate answer would just be ‘why not?’.[return to text]

403Not because it would be harder not to want to progress into sex, but because it was really a hassle and it never sat quite right with him. A bit like how some people can wear socks all the time and even forget they are there, while others need to take them off as soon as they don’t have any shoes on.[return to text]

404It was the one he was more comfortable with, when it came to kissing. Besides, at least this way he didn’t have to watch himself not to shove his tongue down Aziraphale’s throat, his snake tongue was long.[return to text]

405He was considerably more comfortable showing what was ok than talking about it.[return to text]

406Which was, ‘except you kept refusing to give me anything to work with, so please confirm that this is fine for you too?’. They still had to work on consent as a two way street.[return to text]

407Who else would he kiss if not Aziraphale, a demon? Or worse, a different _angel_? He had standards to keep.[return to text]

408He made a mental note to ask Aziraphale about it, although he doubted Aziraphale would accept more than a year without food.[return to text]

409Although supernatural entities in general don’t need sleep, this particular curse should have knocked Crowley out for a couple hundred years, if it had been at its full power. He got lucky on that. It was almost as if some higher power was looking out for him. Probably not God though. Maybe still the influence of Adam’s powers. Possibly some unknown force overseeing their lives.[return to text]

410This wasn’t actually her demonic name, but someone had called her that a few years back411 when she was still in the plagues department, and she grew quite fond of the name, which she considered to be her human name412, if she ever needed one. She did think that tying rats’ tails together, infecting them with the plague, and setting them on humans was a great deal of fun, and was a touch disappointed when she was reassigned a couple centuries back. Sometimes, if work was particularly boring, she liked to go up to Earth and make a few rat kings again, although she lost the hang of how to cause a proper plague after humans invented antibiotics.[return to text]

411Sometime around the 16th century, it was still very new.[return to text]

412Crowley started a bit of a trend, among lesser demons. Everyone wanted a human name, most of them weren’t good at creating one.[return to text]

413They had no respect for her bad work. Granted, it would be a funny world, if demons went around respecting each other.[return to text]

414Dagon was strict about that. Missing a report costed an arm and a leg, quite literally, and it wasn’t always that finding replacement limbs to pay that debt was possible.[return to text]

415Folks at the files department were always impressed with his reports, and she had to go there often.[return to text]

416There were rumors about his involvement in the Apocalypse, although the lower downs had forbidden any talk about that. Crowley became a bit of an urban legend. Rumor had it that Crowley banished Satan himself back to Hell by holding hands with an angel. Or maybe kissing him, depending on which version you heard.[return to text]

417Of course she didn’t want her mate destroyed, but she wanted to be destroyed even less, and she couldn’t find anyone else stupid enough to go. Besides, her mate was the one that always said she wanted to know what the Earth was like.[return to text]

418She had noticed, after sending her mate up with a sigil, that the other corruptions sigils were a touch faded, with a few smudges that might interfere with the power. She hoped the one they used was fine, but it was too late to check.[return to text]

419No one knew where the order came from, so it was prudent to follow it just in case. Everyone was afraid of asking too many questions in Hell, except for one particular demon that never lost the bad habit of asking too many questions, but he was already persona non grata anyway.[return to text]

420Granted, he only had two data points, none of which corresponded to normal circumstances.[return to text]

421Although he enjoyed a number of other activities which involved… well, no activity. Such as curling up with a good book or taking a long bath.[return to text]

422How times had changed. He remembered when leaving before there was a chance of being found inside a room they shouldn’t be in demonstrated care for their lover’s social status.[return to text]

423He loved Crowley, but not ‘stare at you drool and snore for a century without doing anything else’ loved him, since that was an impossible standard. Besides, there’s only so much time someone can stay lovingly gazing before it turns into creepily staring.[return to text]

424This particular problem would in the future lead to the creation of the reading light. Both Aziraphale and Crowley would claim credit for their respective sides, by saying it stimulated reading and learning, and that it lead to loss of sleep and thus next day irritability, which helped spread evil. Although they would only claim credit to each other, since they would still be avoiding talking to their own sides.[return to text]

425It was actually a skill both demons and angels used quite often, but it had been developed after the Garden, and neither one of them had spent any significant amount of time between their people since then to learn about it. Crowley had discovered it by accident, but he didn’t know how he did that, so he wouldn’t be able to do it again nor teach Aziraphale.[return to text]

426Aziraphale had forgotten that they could miracle themselves somewhere as well. But in his defense, Crowley often forgot that as well. Besides, miracling somewhere and transporting somewhere were different techniques, even if they ended up with mostly the same result.[return to text]

427That had nothing to do with whether Crowley had eyelids or not while sleeping, even though Aziraphale was curious. The future of their relationship was probably a more pressing issue.[return to text]

428No other request for punishment was queued for Crowley. Mostly because he never did anything else so against what he was supposed to be doing. Except for sabotaging the Apocalypse, but that was off limits.[return to text]

429No that Aziraphale minded, he had chosen Earth, and in doing so, rejected Heaven to some degree. He wasn’t Fallen, but perhaps, in a way, he was fallen. Never all the way to Hell, but down to Earth.[return to text]

430Not too much, at any rate. He was fairly sure that Hell wasn’t going to come. Somewhat sure at least431.[return to text]

431Besides, he didn’t consider it, but actually, it could have something to do with not having to feel guilty about taking advantage of Crowley.[return to text]

432About half an hour, and not unless six hours was considered soon. They were in for a long night.[return to text]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just one more chapter to go! Which is an epilogue of sorts, since things were mostly sorted by now. I probably jinxed myself by saying nothing else would come up, because my glasses were ruined, but it's ok, I won't delay this anymore, I just have to sit really close to the computer, so next Friday will be the last chapter. Also, second hand embarrassment nearly killed while writing and revising this.


	10. An end

The first thing that Crowley noticed was how warm he felt. His body temperature always dropped too much when he slept, a little disadvantage of his other form that he could never quite shake.

When he was awake, he could self-regulate, mostly because a demon didn’t have to be worth much to produce heat. After all, even the weakest demons had to be able to produce Infernal Fire. But when he was asleep? His temperature would steadily drop after the first hour. Anything more than a week and he would be basically in suspended animation over the cold. Not that he minded, suspended animation could feel good. Less nightmares like this, although also more of a chance that he would lose track of time.

But this time he was warm. And he felt safe. Protected. Cared for.

He didn’t want to open his eyes, didn’t want this good dream to end. Far too often he had nightmares, horrible memories or things his own unconscious mind created. Good or even neutral dreams were few and far between, so he wanted this to last, even if only a little longer.

He didn’t want to wake up, but once he started, it was too late to stop.

Slowly, his mind drifted back to conscience, awareness returning one sense at a time.

The first thing he noticed was that his eyes were shielded from the light. Then, that he was being hugged, held tight against someone's chest. He clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, instead of breathing through his nose433. Not just someone, _Aziraphale_ , he was held tight against Aziraphale’s chest.

The events of the previous night came back to him, memory spreading quickly but gently, like a moon vine opening its petals at the first sign of evening. He grabbed on to Aziraphale tighter, trying to hide his face even more against his chest. If he was blushing, it was just because Aziraphale was so bloody warm, no other reason.

“Good morning, my dear. Did you sleep well?” Aziraphale asked, apparently noticing that he was awake434.

He hissed. “Too early to wake up,” he said, muffled against Aziraphale’s chest.

Aziraphale carted his fingers through Crowley’s hair, and Crowley leaned in against the touch. He could blame the sleepiness for that.

Except he didn’t have to, not anymore. He didn’t have to make up excuses for wanting to touch Aziraphale, especially not when they were cuddling after spending the night together. It would take a while to break the habit of policing himself.

“You’ve been asleep for hours, I’ve missed you435.”

Compelling argument, as it felt good to hear Aziraphale admitting that he missed him, but Crowley still wasn’t too keen on waking up.

There was something amazingly comfortable about being half-asleep in the arms of someone he loved and he didn’t want that to end just yet.

And after all, he was a demon, so he was supposed to indulge in deadly sin such as sloth. Which was one of his flimsiest excuses.

“Still too bloody early,” he didn’t even know the time, but that was hardly the point, “wake me up in another couple of hours.”

He wasn’t even tired anymore, despite the effects of the curse, but he still have too much pride to just flat out say he wanted to cuddle436.

“It’s morning already, maybe we could go for some crepes.”

Crowley chuckled, trust Aziraphale to think about food at a time like this437. He should try to get Aziraphale into sleeping, maybe this would make their mornings better

He could hardly believe this was happening, he was planning their mornings together, because apparently this was something they did now.

“There’s food in the fridge. From the best restaurants, just tell me what you want438.”

“I want to go out with you and have a lovely romantic breakfast somewhere,” Aziraphale said, trying to push Crowley slightly away.

Crowley didn’t let him, and grabbed tighter to him. He wasn’t ready for this to end. Even if logically he knew that Aziraphale’s offer sounded less like the kind of thing that would lead to something ending, and more like it would lead to something starting.

“We can have breakfast in bed, I have take out menus. We could order anything. Crepes from that place in Paris you like, I’ll make them deliver.”

Aziraphale kissed him on the top of the head, and Crowley wondered if he could spontaneously combust439.

“Would you even stand up to go to the door?” Aziraphale asked, amused.

“Probably not. But we could stay in bed for a few decades, find out exactly what we like. I’ll give up sleep if you give up food.”

Not his best temptation, but it was the best he could do when he still half wanted to go back to sleep, and the other half really wanted to know if kissing Aziraphale was still on the table. After everything that happened, who could blame him for having doubts?

“Stop that, love. We can have food, sleep, _and_ snogging, no need to choose. But we should start with breakfast, then perhaps a nice walk in the park. Lunch, obviously. The afternoon is free so we can do whatever you want. Dinner at the Ritz. And the rest will depend on how much longer you want to stay awake. Of course, you don’t have to sleep every single night.”

Alright, he had to admit that Aziraphale went better than him at the temptation this time440. But it was hardly fair, since Aziraphale must have thought about that all night, and Crowley still hadn’t opened his eyes for the morning.

“You’ve become quite the tempter, I must be rubbing off on you.”

“Oh, you did a lot of rubbing.”

Crowley pulled back slightly, and pretended to be scandalized. “Such a perverted angel!”

“And who’s fault is this?”

Crowley would love to take the blame, but he would love teasing Aziraphale even more.

“Probably your friends from that gentleman’s club.”

“Crowley, I’ll have you know that…”

Crowley gave him a quick peck, just enough to shut him up. Oh, he was going to love using that now. This was worth waking up for.

“I’m only teasing you.”

He couldn’t help but smile, this was something he could do now. He could kiss Aziraphale, just because he wanted441.

Aziraphale pulled him by the back of the neck and kissed him properly442. Oh, Crowley could definitely get used to this.

“I love you, angel,” he whispered against his lips as they parted.

“I love you too, my dear, and I’ll love you even more from across the breakfast table. Come on,” Aziraphale said, moving to leave the bed.

Alright, that was a low blow.

“You play dirty,” Crowley said, raising himself slightly on elbow.

Crowley watched as Aziraphale patted down his clothes, trying to make them more presentable. The he miracled himself a fresh change of clothes, which included sunglasses. Whatever Aziraphale was planning, he wasn’t about to do a walk of shame out of his own flat.

“Oh, and I don’t have anything to wear,” Aziraphale complained443. “Don’t you dare,” he said as Crowley raised his hand in the air. “I won’t have you disappearing my clothes. I actually buy them, you know.”

Crowley lowered his glasses to give more effect to his eye roll. There was no winning with him. Crowley concentrated on his memories of Aziraphale, something he knew that he owned, then gestured at him. “There you go, from your closet.”

His other clothes were neatly folded on the nightstand closer to him, because Crowley was sure that he would complain if they were mistreated in any way.

“Thank you, darling. Oh, I do love saying that. I’m picturing all the things that I can call you now…. Honey, sweetie, cupcake. The possibilities are endless.”

Crowley wasn’t sure if he could deal with all of that without melting444. Or with any of that, really. ‘Love’ was already enough to nearly stop his heart. Maybe loving words from angels were Holy enough to destroy a demon.

“Where do you wanna go for breakfast? There’s this exotic pet store near here, and I haven’t had a rat in years,” he said outlandishly, hoping to break some of that lovely atmosphere.

He couldn’t deal with all of that fully conscious, as much as he wanted it when half-asleep.

Aziraphale made a disgusted face. “Now really, dear, I understand you might have some feelings regarding the demon that cursed you, but that’s hardly a reason to give in to your more primal urges.”

“What so bad about it? Alright, if it will make you feel better, we can cook them. They taste better alive, but maybe we could do some _rat au vin_.”

“I will not have you disrespect _coq au vin_! Oh, and no more eating rats, if you expect to keep kissing me.”

Crowley squinted, that seemed like an odd order of priorities. “How very demanding.”

“Well, some of us don’t think eating live rats is a treat.”

Crowley wanted to point out that someone couldn’t eat at restaurants since restaurants were invented without tasting some rat. After all, even chocolate usually had a bit of rat in it. But he decided to be merciful. Aziraphale was already ruining him.

“You don’t know what you’re missing, they tickle all the way down, but alright, no live rats445.” Crowley jumped off the bed and went to Aziraphale, offering him his arm. “Shall we?”

Aziraphale took it. “Lead the way.”

\---

Aziraphale was glowing446.

He had far too much time to overthink during the night447, so he was glad to see that his worries were unfounded. They could still talk, and it wasn’t particularly awkward. They could still say things just to get at each other, just for fun, the only difference was that now there might be kisses involved.

He could get used to that448.

He refused to let go of Crowley’s arm, even when he was trying to close the door449. If he couldn’t resist acting like a couple when they weren’t, now he wanted them to go around like newlyweds450.

They were just out the lift when he saw a familiar face getting inside the building, which reminded of a certain thing he forgot to tell Crowley.

“Oh, darling, I should have mentioned…”

“Mr. Crowley and the handsome gentleman. How about this weather? Perfectly lovely for a romantic walk,” the old lady said while waving a bit too frenetically, moving to meet them.

Aziraphale really hoped she hadn’t talked to her wife since the previous night451.

“We planned for a walk after breakfast, actually,” Crowley said.

Aziraphale wondered if it would be petty to pray that she didn’t mention anything.

“So I trust that you two solved things? I don’t mean to be nosy, but I worry about you.”

He should have prayed. It wouldn’t have worked, but he would have felt better.

“I’m sorry?” Crowley said, looking at her and then at Aziraphale.

Aziraphale sighed. “I should have told you, dear, I met one of your neighbors yesterday.”

Before Crowley could say anything, she said, “Yes, Linda told me everything about your little chat. She was quite angry at you, but I said, no, these two love each other, things will work out. Although I do think you deserve a spanking over what you said, mister. A proper spanking, not a nauty one, with one of those wooden rulers they used to have when I was a girl.”

Aziraphale wondered how they got to the point where they were discussing spanking with Crowley’s elderly neighbor. It was just one of the strange things to happen in the past few days, but still.

Crowley stared at him dumbfounded. “What the Heaven is going on here? Since when do you have chats with my neighbors?”

There was no good answer to that.

“He didn’t tell you? He told Linda all about your fight, she was very invested in protecting your honor, dear. I want you to know that both of us support you, don’t matter your lifestyle452. Anyway, she gave him a good scolding and told him to apologize to you, which I hope he did.”

“Is that so?” Crowley stared at him over the sunglasses.

Aziraphale blushed slightly. “We had so much to talk about yesterday, I must have forgotten.”

He should have taken Crowley’s offer to stay in the flat for a few decades, then the old ladies would be dead and he wouldn’t have to have this conversation453.

“Why don’t you get up for a cuppa? Linda will love to hear that you sorted things out. She was so worried. She wanted to go check on you last night, but I said, ‘no, let the young ones sort things out, you don’t want to interrupt anything’. Of course she listened to be eventually, she always does, but she’s still worried, so she would love hearing from you.”

Aziraphale couldn’t even imagine having to talk to that scary lady again, and having her confronting him on his every choice, so he had to find a way out.

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry, but I have to get back to my shop.” A little white lie never hurt anyone, and he should have thought of that the night before, before exposing their lives to the neighbors.

“Don’t say that, angel. I’m sure we can spare half an hour for some tea,” Crowley said, in a tone that said ‘you’re not getting out of this that easy’454.

“Alright then. I’m glad to hear that. Could you be a dear and help me with the bags?”

Crowley grabbed them, and immediately shoved them at Aziraphale. If he was annoyed now455, Aziraphale didn’t want to see how he would get once he knew what Aziraphale lead that poor woman to believe.

“I should warn you,” Aziraphale whispered, too low for human ears456, even so close as they were in the lift, “I may have accidentally implied something to the effect of, uh, what I mean to say is, your neighbors may be under the impression that there is a certain… transactional nature to our relationship.”

Crowley glared at him. “Did you tell my neighbors you were my sugar daddy457?” he responded in the same tone.

Six thousand years to get together and they only lasted twelve hours or so. That really would be something.

“Not as such, but she might have thought of that on her own. Also, I told her we fought because I didn’t believe your lot could love. She called a hedonistic old queen, among other choice words. And defended your virtue. I didn’t have the heart to correct her, because she had a point about me apologizing.”

Outright killing the old ladies would probably be too much, but maybe he could miracle them away somewhere nice.

“Well, I can see she had a point, you really are a…”

“Don’t you dare!” he said far too loudly458, but the old lady didn’t seem to notice anything.

Maybe he could drop some lightning on the building? Just enough to cause an evacuation, no one needed to get hurt. 

\---

Crowley wondered if somehow this was still part of his punishment.

Now, he knew that his neighbors had some thoughts about him and Aziraphale. They always seemed very concerned about him, thinking that he was a young man with no family459.

They never asked if he was involved with Aziraphale460 or downright stated any assumptions about his sexuality461, but still tried to show they would be supportive if he wanted to share anything.

Normally, he wouldn’t have bothered with neighbors. Talking to neighbors was asking to be annoyed, and generally he wouldn’t like them and they wouldn’t like him. But there was something about this couple of old ladies that made him feel slight protective. Maybe it was the fact that he could sense that Aziraphale blessed them at some point462.

Still, this was getting a bit out of hand. He liked them well enough, but he didn’t want anyone snooping around his life.

“Linda, look at who I found at the lobby,” Laura said, as she opened the door to her flat. “Young Mr. Crowley and his gentleman.”

“See, angel, this is what happens when you don’t introduce yourself, even after gossiping with the neighbors.”

Linda came from the kitchen with a fresh tray of biscuits463. “Oh, did you invite them for breakfast?”

Laura passed her on the way to the kitchen. “Yes, I’ll just put the kettle on.”

Crowley waited until they were both in the living room, knowing that they wouldn’t hear him otherwise.

“Laura, Linda, allow me to introduce you my, uh…” right, they hadn’t gotten to the defining part of this relationship, boyfriend seemed too childish, husband too much of an assumption, partner something Aziraphale might oppose to on the basis of their former status of as nominal enemies, soulmate carried some implications of destiny he wasn’t comfortable with, “my angel464.”

“Is that what the kids are calling it these days?” Linda mubled.

“Mr. Fell,” Aziraphale supplied, coming to his rescue.

“Well, _Mr. Feel_ , have you apologized for the awful things that you’ve said?” she demanded, placing the biscuits threatenly on the table465.

Crowley managed to glance just in time to see Aziraphale blush. Oh, this was worth the embarrassment.

“Well, it’s complicated. We’ve known each other for an extremely long time, and during that time, I said many things that I now regret. As much as I have apologized, it wouldn’t be possible to compensate all of that in a single night, but we have the rest of our lives for that,” Aziraphale said466, reaching out to squeeze Crowley’s hand.

Crowley wasn’t going to blush. He refused to, and his body would obey him467.

“Right answer. Or at least a very good one. But Mr. Crowley, if he bothers you, just come and tell us, we can help you get rid of the body468.”

“Linda! Don’t say such things! Remember what the solicitor said last time? We don’t want anymore trouble with the police. Here boys, have a seat,” Laura said. “I’ll bring the tea.”

Crowley wondered if it was too late to get out of this situation he placed them in, now he had his answers, but he still pulled up a chair as Aziraphale did the same469, while Laura and Linda set the table. He needed to set things right now that they were there.

“While we are on this subject, I believe my angel may have made a mess of things. It’s not his fault, really, he’s a bit too naive for his own good,” Crowley said with a devious smile. He just figured a way to get back at Aziraphale.

“Oh, dear, you don’t have to explain yourself,” Linda said. “I was born last century, you know? I’ve met all sorts, I’ve learnt not to judge470.”

“She means in 1899, by the way. In October, no less, almost the end of the year. She loves saying that as if she was hundreds of years old.”

“See the ideas you put in her head, angel? I told you to be more careful with your words. We fought because he said someone who doesn’t believe in God can’t know how to love471.”

He didn’t even need to turn to know what the look on Aziraphale’s face was.

“Crowley! You can’t just say you don’t believe in God!”

It was exactly the reaction that Crowley was expecting, and it was worth a little embarrassment.

“See? We’ve always had this religious disagreement between us473.”

“But you know that God exists!”

“I know no such thing474. And even if God exists, that’s no reason to believe in God475.”

“That’s blasphemous. I thought you agreed with me in regards to the Ineffable plan.”

Crowley shrugged. “I believe in humanity, and that’s about it.”

The Ineffable plan was just a convenient way to get Heaven and Hell to stop fighting. Of course, he sometimes wondered if everything was really part of the plan, including the way that they stopped the fight, but that was a rabbit hole he rarely indulged in. Even if that was the case, it was cruel, and he didn’t appreciate the idea of being controlled to such a level.

“But…”

“Mr. Fell, in a few years it will be the new millennium, this kind of outdated thinking has no place in this day and age, take it from someone who is at least a decade, maybe two, older than you. I happen to agree, humanity has no more use for God, and if we invented him, we can uninvent him,” Laura said. “Too many people suffered already in the name of a bloody fairy tale.”

Alright, that was revenge enough, he supposed he could forgive Aziraphale for this particular indiscretion now, before he had an aneurysm. Not that they could get aneurysms, but Aziraphale looked like he was about to get one.

“Well, some of us believe in a God that isn’t the same that was used to judge and prosecute us, so there is no need to flat out toss him out the door. But I do agree that love is greater than religious difference,” Linda said. “Otherwise I wouldn’t have married this stubborn atheist.”

“Oh, yes, absolutely,” Aziraphale sighed, relieved to be back on more familiar ground. “God has no judgement against same sex relationships. There’s even a guardian angel assigned to protect the community. Everyone who says otherwise is grossly misinterpreting the text.”

“Maybe tone it down a little, angel?” Crowley said, before Aziraphale would out himself as said guardian angel. That would be a little harder to explain. “Laura, how is your ghost orchid476 going?”

\---

Aziraphale was surprised at how much they had in common with Crowley’s neighbors. They actually had a lovely conversation477, after Crowley stopped with his nonsense explanation for their disagreement.

He didn’t dare asking if Crowley really meant all of that. The answer was probably that he didn’t, and was just trying to think of a more dignified explanation for their fight, but God wasn’t a good topic of sober conversations.

Now, his plans to go out for breakfast had been ruined, but he hardly resented that. It was good to have some closer contact with humans every now and again, not to mention that at least Crowley’s explanation, blasphemous as it was, painted Aziraphale in a slightly truer light.

“Do you still want to go for a walk in the park?” Crowley asked, tapping gently on the hand that Aziraphale had on his arm. It was the little things that really made a difference.

“Yes, I suppose we still have time for that before lunch. There’s a lovely new Japanese restaurant that I’ve been meaning to try.”

Crowley chuckled, and Aziraphale would never say that aloud, because that would mean Crowley would never do it again, but it was adorable.

“Don’t go around thinking you’ll convince me to have so many meals in a day, unless we’re talking about a liquid lunch. Do you suppose they have wine? Proper wine, that is. A nice, rich red. ”

“Of course they will478. I do hope it doesn’t rain.”

The sky was rather grey, even for London. It would be disappointing if their first walk as a couple was ruined by rain. Although he supposed there were romantic things one couple do in the rain. And it would be thematically appropriate, as their first meeting ended in rain.

“Oh, I have a feeling it will be a nice and warm sunny day in the park.”

“Crowley, it’s London in the middle of winter. We’re months away from seeing the sun again479.”

“Still, I have a strong feeling we’ll have some sun,” Crowley said gleefully.

“Don’t be ridiculous, it would take a miracle to… oh. Thank you, my dear.”

That was smooth, he didn’t think Crowley would have it in him to be smooth.

“I figured you wanted something classically romantic,” Crowley said, very pointelly not looking at him.

Aziraphale grabbed his arm with his other hand as well, and rested his head on Crowley’s shoulder480. This was exactly what he wanted.

“Well, aren’t you a thoughtful… uh…” Now he understood Crowley. It was hard to come up with something. “We do have to think of something. I suppose husband481 would be the most appropriate.”

“Not a chance, angel. After all this time waiting you won’t rob me of the opportunity to make an epic proposal482. You’ll have to think of something else until then.”

Aziraphale wondered if it was biologically possible for his heart to have stopped, and then done a little backflip483.

“Yes,” he said before he could think better of it.

“Wait, no that wasn’t it,” Crowley said, and stopped walking. “I have to make plans.”

“Well, I’m already saying yes. Preemptively.”

“You can’t preemptively accept a marriage proposal that wasn’t made yet.”

“Of course I can. Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because that’s calling proposing, and it’s a lousy proposal.”

“But you know that I’m going to accept.”

“That’s not the point, angel. It’s about the asking.”

“Asking knowing I’ll say yes.”

“I can’t know your answer before I ask, it will ruin things.”

“But who else would I ever want to spend eternity with?”

“You could want to spend it alone, or with me without being married. At any rate, I thought you liked the romantic things.”

“I do, but we know each other a lot longer than these traditions. Don’t you miss the time when ‘marriage’ was just two people deciding to live together?”

“Fine, then we’re married, if that’s what you want. No romance about it. Happy now?” Crowley said sourly.

“Well, not if you’re going to be in a mood about it. And I do have to admit that I enjoy the romance.”

“Then choose something else for now, and let’s do things properly.”

“How about ‘my love’, it has a certain air that I absolutely adore.”

\---

That bastard, blindsiding Crowley like this. Oh, but Crowley would get him. He had more than enough time to plan a proper proposal, then Aziraphale would see484. Not that night, of course, he needed to plan things in a way that would make them perfect.

Who would have imagined that, after everything that happened between them, it would take Hell to get them together? If it wasn’t such a bad idea, he would send a letter back thanking them.

The Ritz would have to be emptied for them, of course. And the ring would have to be in a dessert. A delicate one that couldn’t actually be baked or prepared with a ring inside so it would have to be miracled in. Crowley had a few things in his jewelry box that could be repurposed for this. He wondered what Aziraphale would prefer, a gold and iron pair in the Roman style485 or a more modern kind, with diamonds486. They would need a nice wine, he still had that bottle of Château Margaux, 1787487, not the oldest, but it had a nice story attached to it. Would fireworks be overdoing it?

\---

That day, two particularly strange events happened around the London area, that perplexed scientists for years to come.

The first, happening in the middle of the morning, was that, just when it seemed the rain was about to start, the sky cleared. Then the sun was shining and the temperature was surprisingly pleasant for that time of the year.

Many meteorologists dedicated their entire career to decifrying what happened, to no avail, eventually blaming it on Global Warming.

The second was that, that night, a phenomenon not unlike Aurora Borealis could be seen through most of England. There were even those who swore that the lights were two angels dancing in the night sky, while others claimed it to be the work of demons or witches.

No one could ever explain either of these events.

\---

433A consequence of still being half-asleep, he didn’t even consider using his nose to smell.[return to text]

434Not really, he had tried to good morning line several times already, when Crowley started moving around too much. This was simply the first time Crowley was actually awake when he said it.[return to text]

435And was bored out of his mind. Watching someone sleep can lose its novelty quite quickly, usually within a couple minutes, especially if one isn’t inclined to spend hours alone with one’s inner thoughts. Aziraphale didn’t care about self-reflection enough to waste the night away overthinking and second guessing himself, as Crowley would have done, so he was simply bored.[return to text]

436After so many blows to his already damaged dignity, he would be hard to admit something like that. Demons aren’t exactly known for being cuddly, not unless killing enemies by constriction counted.[return to text]

437In Aziraphale’s defense, breakfast was usually considered an appropriate time to think about food, so he had a point. Of course they didn’t need food, but they didn’t need sleep either, so it was all the same.[return to text]

438Whatever it was that Aziraphale wanted, Crowley would have it in the fridge. It wouldn’t dare to disappoint either one of them like this.[return to text]

439He could, and it wouldn’t be good for either one of them.[return to text]

440Aziraphale had him at ‘love’. Crowley had a very long time to get used to ‘my dear’, but ‘love’ might be something he would never get used to.[return to text]

441He had been a little afraid that Aziraphale might have changed his mind, but if he was suggesting the things that he was suggesting, and calling him love, then it was probably safe to assume that this was their new normal.[return to text]

442Thankfully for the both of them, Crowley didn’t know what morning breath was, so his breath was perfectly fresh. Although to be fair, it had always been perfectly fresh, despite the fact that he had never brushed his teeth in his entire existence. Aziraphale almost did once, in Rome, and he hadn’t trusted any tooth cleaners since then.[return to text]

443He didn’t necessarily change his clothes every day, but he also didn’t usually sleep in them. Not that he had slept now, but spent the night with Crowley squishing him so it was worse. Of course a simpler solution would be to miracle away the wrinkles, but the most obvious solution wasn’t always clear to them.[return to text]

444Or dying of embarrassment. Aziraphale could be a huge sap.[return to text]

445He preferred mice anyway.[return to text]

446Not literally, although it was a close call.[return to text]

447Although he spent a very small fraction of it actually overthinking, and most of the time trying to see if he could untangle himself from Crowley enough to read something.[return to text]

448In fact, he had in the past the occasional urge to end their more inconsequential fights, in particular the drunken ones, with some furious kissing, but he had always pushed it out of his mind when sobering up.[return to text]

449The door, not wanting to be a bother, closed itself.[return to text]

450Definitely getting ahead of himself, but they lost so much time already. Besides, it wasn’t as if he was trying to drag Crowley to a church anytime soon.[return to text]

451If he hadn’t been so nervous himself, he might notice that Crowley was embarrassed over being friendly with his neighbor. He couldn’t be caught being _nice_ to someone.[return to text]

452Crowley, who knew they were lesbians with a big age difference, wondered what kind of lifestyle they thought he had and might think they would judge him on.[return to text]

453A not very angelic thought on his part. A proper angel would smite inconvenient people instead of waiting for them to die.[return to text]

454He figured if they left, it could save both of them some embarrassment. However, then Aziraphale would find a way of never letting him know what happened, so he was willing to stand a bit of embarrassment to know. Unsatisfied curiosity was always worse than embarrassment.[return to text]

455Just because he was in love, it didn’t mean that he would magically forget Aziraphale’s occasional mishaps. He might be a little more lenient, but he was still perfectly capable of getting annoyed and wanting to bother Aziraphale in return.[return to text]

456Completely unnecessary, since Laura couldn’t hear all that well in the first place, so a regular whisper would have been enough.[return to text]

457He knew about the speculations, but having Aziraphale say it to them would only make things worse. Besides, Crowley was the one who was always paying for dinner and whatever else Aziraphale wanted when they were together, so if anything it was the other way around.[return to text]

458He took offense at ‘hedonistic’, even if it was true. People can’t just go around calling angels hedonistic.[return to text]

459He once overheard that they thought his family might have been bigots and cast him out. Curious how right people could be while still being completely wrong. Maybe he should have told them his family was religious, that would be funny.[return to text]

460And he suspected they didn’t know he could hear them talking behind his back, since their whispers had gone louder since their hearing started to go.[return to text]

461Which he considered, strictly speaking, to be ‘hand wave’. Although he supposed queer fitted too, he hadn’t kept enough of a close eye on terminology to know what else, and didn’t much care. He didn’t fit in the box of angel before being cast out, but he didn’t fit in the box of demon either, so he didn’t see why he had to try to fit any other boxes.[return to text]

462Certainly it wasn’t because of the strange familiarity that he felt around Linda, a short and chubby outdated retired librarian who only dressed in pastel pinks flannels, and Laura, a tall and thin amateur garden who loved technology and always dressed in dark blue leather. Every time he looked at them they reminded him of something he couldn’t quite put his finger on.[return to text]

463She planned to take them to the library, she would go to read for the children that afternoon. But she supposed she could always bake some more, she was always worried that young Mr. Crowley was too thin.[return to text]

464He panicked.[return to text]

465It was a stern librarian skill.[return to text]

466It was hard to get him to recognize that he had done something wrong and needed to make amends, but once he did, Aziraphale was good at apologizing. It was a new skill he had just discovered.[return to text]

467It wouldn’t.[return to text]

468There was something vaguely sweet about having a woman in her nineties offer to be accessory after the fact to murder in order to protect him. If she were younger, she might offer to do the deed herself.[return to text]

469Except Aziraphale sat properly, and Crowley sat on top of one leg and with the other stretched and looping on the leg of Aziraphale’s chair.[return to text]

470The first girl she kissed used to flirt with men to get them alone and then threaten them with a gun and rob them. It would be easy to judge her, but she was just a teenager left alone when her older brother went to the Great War. She disappeared one day, before the armistice, although Linda couldn’t remember anymore by how much. Still, knowing her taught her not to judge people for doing what they can do to deal with their circumstances. It was a valuable skill that she carried through life.[return to text]

471He thought about saying that Aziraphale didn’t approve of his job, but he couldn’t think of a job he could convincingly claim to do. He didn’t have enough vices to be a stock broker. He liked the connection of demons and lawyers, but England had that ridiculous tradition of wigs he couldn’t stand472. Corporate spy or saboteur maybe. Or just plain spy, James Bond style, he could see himself doing that. But this explanation was better.[return to text]

472He was eternally angry at wigs, after finding out far too late that most of the hair styles he had trouble emulating were actually wigs. And there he had been, wasting miracles on it all.[return to text]

473He loved that, for once in his life, he was able to come up with a good excuse. And it was even somewhat close to the truth.[return to text]

474True, to some degree. He never personally saw God, just as most angels and demons. He assumed one existed because they had to have been created from somewhere, probably. He talked to God even, but never received or expected an answer. Besides, very few supernatural beings claimed to have met with God, so really maybe there was another explanation. Probably not, but it was enough of a possibility for it not to be too much of a lie. Not that he cared about not lying.[return to text]

475Which was a fair point. Why believe in a God that had cast him out from Heaven over not being a perfect little soldier? Why believe in a God that made so that curiosity was a sin to angels and a quality in humans? Why believe in a God that created them only to punish and destroy them for acting on the very nature they were created with? Knowing God existed, or believing God existed, had nothing to do with believing _in_ God.[return to text]

476A gift from Crowley, who could never be bothered with things like protected species and what was supposed to be extinct where.[return to text]

477About rare books and rare flowers.[return to text]

478They would, if Crowley ordered it. And every employee would be very confused by that.[return to text]

479Also the forecast said snow for that night, but Aziraphale never saw the forecast.[return to text]

480Which made walking considerably more awkward.[return to text]

481He remembered a time when marriage was simply a question of two people deciding they wanted to be together and moving in together. That was a good way to do things, they should probably do that.[return to text]

482Interesting choice of words, as it was exactly what he had felt about the experiences that happened during his curse. He wasn’t thinking about this under that light, but the connection was certainly there.[return to text]

483A strong maybe. It wasn’t what happened, but he could probably have made it happen without discorporating.[return to text]

484Maybe he was rather adversarial about that, but he was a demon after all. They were competitive about things.[return to text]

485He bought it when they first came into fashion, and used to wear them even while they were still mostly women’s fashion.[return to text]

486He had a lovely diamond ring that he may or may not have nicked while visiting the imperial court in Vienna. No one even noticed he took it.[return to text]

487So maybe he thought Sokolin was too arrogant and needed to be taught a lesson. It was a bit too easy to get on Crowley’s nerves when he had to travel abroad for work.[return to text]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We got to the end of this story! Thank you so much to everyone that read, kudo'ed, commented, bookmarked, etc. This has been my longest story so far, and actually happened surprisingly fast for me, written in a fortnight and edited in three months (where it grew 20K words!).
> 
> I'm sorry a few updates happened later than predicted or promised, but life happens, sometimes at an alarming rate. This last time I both had many academic things happen unexpectedly and overestimated my ability to work without properly functional glasses for long periods of time and ended up having to wait for the new ones. Anyway, thank you to everyone who waited, and I hope it was worth the wait.
> 
> Although this is the end of this story, it's a very end of the romantic dramedy movie kind of end, and so I'm working on a sequel (hopefully to be written during nanowrimo, if academia allows me) to deal with the longer term consequences of the things that the boys preferred not to discuss. It will still have a happy ending, of course. But even so this was conceived as a standalone, so if you want to consider that nothing bad happened after this, and it's a perfect fairly tale happy ending, then go ahead, it was even supposed to end in a marriage proposal.


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